How It All Started - Part V

You Keep Your Pride & Get Nothing, Or You Take A Risk & Get Everything...

NEVER FOLLOW THIS MOTTO! I had to learn that the hard way.

The only way you can feel what I'm going through exactly is by actually having yourself going through these situations, I know I have people who stand by me, people whom I take advice from and I really do appreciate it, but no. It's very challenging, going through this alone, I mean. It's like, I talk about it to a really good friend of mine, someone I know I could trust with this sort of information. But she/he won't fully understand, all she/he could do is show some support, and give me advices, which sound very neutral and vague during their moments but how could I blame her/him? For me, Ms. Q knows so much detail about this dilemma, about him and what we do, about my feelings, and about his messages. But I try to limit myself from just saying and blaberring everything; after all, there should be some privacy, I'm sure he'd want it that way as well. But him, he talks to his good friend s.H, who knows basically everything, and even though I know he's an amazing friend -whom I respect tremendously- I despise the looks he gives me every now and then, the ''I know it's hard what he's doing to you, I feel so bad'' looks, pity. He feels sorry for me, no.

Moo ma38oola wi9alt lei hal mar7ala, where I had someone feeling sorry for me, I hated it. I don't feel comfortable with showing my weakness, I like to put up a fight and prove that I'm a strong person, I like people knowing that I could pretty much go through a war and end up walking out of it alive. That's the face people see, and that's the face I want to put on forever damn it! Not the ''feel sorry for me'' face. No. Never. You know, writing this part, I feel disgusted with myself, this issue started months ago! It's supposed to be over by now, I'm supposed to move on, and he's supposed to stop looking at me, why is he making things so much harder? I just want to let go... We stopped talking, you saw it coming, didn't you? For this to happen again, us talking then realising that what we're doing is wrong, then stopping.

It's like a circle, you end up at the same point, then when you reach the point where you've started, you go on and on; you do it over again. But this time, we've stopped for good, and every time we stopped talking, we both knew it won't be the last time, we both knew that he'd text or call or do something, and the cycle would start again, but this time it didn't. It's been more than three weeks, almost a month, and nothing. Wow. Is this, whatever it is, really over? Does ''this'' even have a name? If anyone outside the picture looked at what's going on, they'd think that what Kk was doing is cheating on his girlfriend, and sometimes we both know that too. But we're not together, we don't go out on dates, we don't kiss and talk all night; it's just different, complicated. I don't know how to explain it, I could go on and on writing about him, about whatever's going on or whatever's happened in the past, but you won't fully comprehend what I'm trying to interpret to you. Again, it's just complicated.

I don't know if we'll ever talk again, frankly, I don't think we will. I really do believe he loves her, and maybe by having this ''experience'' with me, it only proved to him that SHE'S the one for him, and that we're not right for each other at all, maybe he saw things in her that he knew he won't find in me, and maybe she just loves him so much, who am I to ruin that for her? For the both of them? Some girl he had a ''thing'' for? Someone he turned to whenever he was feeling down? He has friends, plenty. He could talk to anyone of them if he's having problems, his family too. I don't wanna be a part of that mess, he's just too confused, and he's confusing me with him. Leish? Shalla 7aadni? No, I deserve more. But he's the one I want, the one I think about everyday, the one I see my future with. I promise you, this is nothing gay or corny or whatever, it really is how I'm feeling. And it's so personal that I shouldn't even be posting this, but I know that he knows how I feel, even though I never showed him what's inside of me.

Until that night...

The last night we talked, and again, it was just through messages, good. We were talking about this movie he was watching, ''Taken'' who stars Liam Neeson, (a must-watch-movie) and he'd text me whenever a really good part happens and he just had to comment about it! I'd reply enthusiastically showing that I knew how good the movie was, it really was, I was glad he liked it too. While he was watching his movie, I was reading one of my novels, until we were both done, then we just started talking about random things. We were both laid back and relaxed, after having a really long day at school, the whole weekend was ahead of us. Blehh... I wanted to see him at Gust. I just wanted to see him, but of course I didn't mention any of that. Then ''our'' topic came up, I don't remember how it started really, but it did; and it just went downhill from there.

We both got angry and hurt, saying unnecessary things, knowing we'd regret them later, but this is getting way out of hand! There should be some fucking control! And if he won't lead the way and make this, whatever it is, stop FOR GOOD, then I will. I just keep thinking of her! No one else, but I didn't wanna lose him. I was just so sick of all of this... So I knew how to end it, all of it. I'd tell him how I felt and he'd do the rest, he'd have to make a decision, so I did. Ya reitny ma t7acheit, but I can't take back any of it now. I wrote a really long message, asking him to really think about this situation and how to solve it, I also talked about how I felt towards him, and how he completed me in every way. I didn't say that I loved him, I just couldn't. He replied by saying a few things, I don't even wanna remember how it went down, but basically he was tired of relationships, of all the stress at work and Gust.

And I didn't reply to that, I didn't wanna ''show my support and be there for him'' because that's all I've been doing, enough is enough. He's a man. Then it was all over, we stopped talking about it, we stopped talking for good. It was all over, and I could breathe again, knowing that I'm completely free, and that I wouldn't have to think about him anymore... And until today, we never said anything to one another, I barely looked at him. And it was obvious he was avoiding me as well, I didn't give two shits. 5ala9. Ti3abt... I don't want him to ever know that I fell for him, I lost interest in everyone else, I didn't have the capacity nor the will to meet someone else, I wanted him. And now that I know I can't have him, and know that he'd be spending the rest of his life with her, I could only pray that he'd be happy, and make her happy as well. Abeeh bas yathkirny bil 5air, whether he saw me as a friend or not, I just want that.

It feels like fire stones are being burnt against my skin when he passes by, I wish we could just smile and make it all ''OK'' but we both know it won't be that easy. It never will. I just can't wait to leave Gust, ma bega shay, then I could start over; not just being away from him, but all the drama and problems that come from that one campus and the people in it. It gets overwhelming sometimes, and you just want to leave and forget. I will leave and forget, just as soon as I graduate. He'll be a part of my past, he'll be a part of my ''University years'' and nothing more. I've made peace with that. I'm a free soul...

This is the end of Kk.
Goodnight

N. Kk
xx