How It All Started - Part III

That was that, I thought that it was all over. That I wouldn't be talking to him again. That we'd erase each other's numbers, that he'd stop looking at me at Gust, that he'd stop talking about me and asking Sn. questions, that I'd stop feeling the way I feel. I was very wrong...

When I'd go to the university and walk from class to class or during my breaks to get my usual Black Americano, I'd see him... Him. He always looks amazing, wearing casual clothes - jeans and a top. But I never cared about his clothes, I'd instantly look at his face, he'd be smiling or having that ''serious'' face. As soon as he'd look into my direction, I'd look away and pretend like I'm doing something useful. Shit, I hate it when he sometimes catches me looking in his direction. But the good thing is, he never actually saw me looking AT HIM! How so? I'll explain it now. I don't remember how it all began again, us talking. But it did. And my heart would beat so fast, I was starting to have feelings for him, for this person who's a complete stranger to me, this person who has a GIRLFRIEND! I knew it was wrong, I felt it every time he looked at me; but for some reason, I didnt stop having those feelings, and the sad part is, they grew more and more every day, I'd get attached every day. I didn't have to spell it out for him, I didn't have to yell it out, I might as well just wear a shirt that says ''Pick Me. Choose Me. Love Me.'' from Grey's Anatomy! Might as well...

But I'd deny every feeling I had towards him, I'd pretend to be strong, and not a little girl who can have her heart easily broken. No. I was tough. But I couldn't stay away... Moo ma3nata ga6eit roo7y, la never. Not with him. I kept my distance, I'd erase his msgs and his number every time I felt like texting. Sometimes, I'd write a really long message, talking about everything in me, and sometimes about stuff that happen to me during the day, things I wanted to share with him, my dreams, what I wanted to do in life. But I wouldn't send it. Desperate? Sad? Pathetic? I know. I know. But I'm positive many of you acted the same way when you were starting to get crazy about someone. Come on, you know it. You know it. One day, I was at my usual spot again drinking my Americano, and I get a msg... ''Why do you not smile? When you look at me, I want you to smile.'' Seriously? Awal shay, everyone knows I'm not a morning person, no one jokes around when I'm close before 11 am. No one screams out loud laman I'm there, no one y5afif dama when I'm there, and no one tries to fucking piss me off when I'm there. Not. Before. 11 am. And what does kk do?

At 9.30, he sends that msg. Big mistake pal. Big mistake. How the fuck do you expect me to smile? To pretend that I'm okay knowing you're with someone else and you're happy? Are you even happy? Really? No, I don't care, it's non of my business. Or is it? I felt like I just wanted this person to be happy, to be comfortable, to wake up every morning knowing he's gonna have an ''OK'' day. But I didn't wanna interfere. Plus, why should he care whether I smiled or not? Dude, we're not friends, we're nothing. Shakoo I smile? Fuck. I remember I had a really bad headache that morning, and just when I felt the caffeine kicking in, just when I felt the bits and pieces of my headache leaving my temple... They came back. The bits and pieces came back. Thanks. I read the msg, twice actually, and locked my phone just before putting it back down on the table. I didnt reply. He could see me, he was sitting inside at North while I was sitting outside, and you couldnt see the people inside sitting because of your reflection. ''A7san.'' I thought, I didn't wanna see him. I put my head down on the cold table and closed my eyes for a few seconds, just before I got another msg.

Please don't let it be him. Please, God. It was him. Such a shitty morning, I knew this would be a bad day. I just knew it. ''The way you look at me, I feel like I'm not even human.'' 8a9da inee ma3abra laman ymer witha a9lan shifta, a36eeh na9'raat wa95a. Leish? 7mara? Shakoo? I don't. You just think that way. I wish I could've told him that. I wish... But no. ''I'll smile.'' was what I said. And so, while I was walking back in with two of my friends, I looked at him. He had that look that said ''I'm waiting for a smile.'' I smiled, half a smile. I couldn't have a big ass smile on my face, I just couldn't. Less than a minute later, ''Lol. Cute. Keep it up.'' was on my screen. Really? I was wondering how deep the water fountain was. Agi6 roo7y? Madri, la next time. I'll save the humiliation for another time. Thanks. Nothing happened after that. Not for a few days atleast. And then came the unexpected. ''We broke up.''... I was having a break after a couple of my classes, it was a slow day. While enjoying my Americano and the chit chats with my friends, I got that msg; it schocked me. It really did. Wow. Kk and his girlfriend? Over? How? Why?

They've been together for almost four years wibyoum w leila they broke up? My Goodness... ''What? What happened? was my reply. So he explained it all to me, how she gave up on him, how they were both sick of their daily arguments about the most random and lame excuses. They both didnt wanna tolerate anymore, but breaking up wasnt a choice for him. He was like that, Kk. He was strong, he was in a committed relationship, it was like a marriage to him. A promise he didnt wanna break, that he'd stay with her forever, that he'd protect her and be by her side. But apparently, she wasnt as tough. And she didnt want to be. She left him. We talked that day, I was trying to show some support, I was trying to be there for him, to make him feel better. He was just so depressed about the whole situation, I could hear how his voice shacked when he'd talk about her, I could feel the back of his eyes burning, the tears wanting to come out. But he held them in. He loved her. He loved her. And I was there for him, while he was talking about her. Why? Lazim a3awer galbi?

I'm trying to make him feel better even though I had very strong feelings for this person? No. Now wasnt the time to act selfish, now wasnt the time to show how I felt towards him. He just needed a friend, and I was willing to wait... So I listened. I became a friend. Because that's what he needed, a friend. I tried to make him forget, I'd talk about stuff that would lighten up his mood, things ''friends'' talked about, I'd joke around, and I'd smile when he joked around as well. I knew he was still hurt, gaalee mara months wont be enough to get over her. I knew that was true. It was a healing process, he needed to lick his wounds, and that needed time, yes. It was a healing process. I was willing to wait, to wait for him... Would it take me anywhere? Would it make me happy later on? Would the outcome be worth it? Was that even correct English? Madrii... 7ady mgafla, and I need sleep. Part IV will be posted soon.

P.S.; Kitten sent me a msg today saying that while reading one of my posts, she noticed a few spelling mistakes. Let me just say this, I'M SORRY! I REALLY AM! I hate spelling mistakes, and puctuation poop, I LOOK DOWN on people who have them in their writing, I hate it. Bas when I have them here, it's because I don't check my work and double read it before publishing it. Sorry, I'll pay better attention next time. So thank you, Kitten!

Until then, ¡Cuidados!

N. Kk
xx