Thursday, September 3, 2009

Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud - Part Twelve: Give Me A Little Time To Ease The Pain. Love Me Just A Little Longer.. 'Cause I'll Never Love Again.. ♥

Khaled slowly placed my hand on my thigh. I didn't know what his reaction was exactly. A mixture of emotions; anger, shock, pitty? No. Not pitty. I'd get up, walk away and leave. I hated myself for uncovering so much about my past. It's called my "past" for a reason, so I'd leave it there. I started a new chapter in my life with a person I care so much about; Khaled. He's the only person who was able to help me wipe out the memory of Bader. He's the only one who was capable of getting me out of the hole I was in, with him, I don't need to protect myself. I don't need to lift my guards up.

Nevertheless, I shouldn't have exposed myself in this manner. Now he'll know how weak I am. Now he'll know what kind of a person I am. A girl anyone can fool, a girl who can be taken for granted. When I couldn't stand the silence between us any loner, I faced him and demanded an answer. "Look at me. LOOK at me! Say something, Khaled!" I screamed. But he didn't even lift his face, making no eye-contact with me. Was I such a horrible person to even look at? Does he hate me that much now? Why would he? I didn't do anything wrong, I'm the one who got betrayed, by my boyfriend AND best friend!

No. Not pitty.

I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up to leave, and to my surprise, he didn't do the same. Khaled didn't try to stop me. Despite my efforts in taking my time and walking as slowly as possible, he didn't rush to me. I couldn't believe what was happening. Why isn't he behind me now? I turned around, he was still sitting down, both hands holding his head which was lowered. He looked so sad, so helpless, I wanted to run back and hug him. But why would I do that? I was the one who needed assurance, I was the one who went through those bad times.

It took me nearly an entire year to forget about Jasem, I couldn't eat, pray, sleep, without thinking about him. It seemed that everything I did, everything I saw or heard reminded me of the hurt, of the betrayel. Norah kept calling me for a little over two months, sending all sorts of messages and emails, apologizing. But how could someone accept such an apology? I missed her, that's true. I missed our times together, but nothing she'd say or do now would make me forget that day.

I reached my car and unlocked it. As I sat on the chair and turned on the air conditioner, I looked at Khaled's figure; he was so far away but I wouldn't mistaken him for anyone. It hurts so much, the fact that he's not holding me now and telling me that I deserve better, that I deserve happiness. That's enough, I don't need his words, and I sure as hell don't need anything from him. I quickly reversed and left the parking area, not looking back through my rerview mirror.

It was a little past twelve at night before I reached the house, I couldn't stay out any longer; I hoped to God everyone was asleep. I turned off my phone, and didn't even bother to sign into messenger that night, even though I was certain that Khaled wouldn't call or text. Running to my room, I locked the door and switched off the lights. Tonight was the last night I'd cry over the two most important people who were once in my life; tonight was the last night I'd cry over being so naive and trust worthy.. Too trust worthy.


Khaled was in his car, still driving and trying to comprehend what Danah just said just two hours ago. She looked so weak, so fragile, so...delicate, he was scared to even hold her hand tightly. Seeing her cry broke everything in him, and when he could no longer bear seeing the hurt in her eyes, he looked at the dark sand beneath them. Even though tonight was so beautiful, with its breath taking weather and the black sea with its waves crashing in on the both of them, everything Danah said made the night all the much worse. HE felt hurt, HE felt betrayed, HE felt weak, because he saw all those mixture of emotions flowing through her as she told him the details of her past.

Danah went through hell because of those two, she had to stay strong and overcome her grief, Khaled was positive that she was mad at first, but also knew that she couldn't stay mad forever, and exchanged that feeling with anger. Now he understood what made her give him a very strong impression of who she is, she wanted Khaled to know that no matter what he'd do to her, and no matter how things will go between them, she'd stay as solid as a rock. She wasn't willing to allow anyone else to hurt her ever again. A tear made its way down his cheek. Danah's a bird with broken wings and a broken heart, and he was the one who will heal her.

The phone kept ringing, Khaled mentally counted the number of rings in his mind. One.. Two.. Three.. Four.. Five.. Six.. No reply. He hung up and called again, but this time, the person at the other end of the phone answered right away.

"Salam 3aleikum." Khaled said when he realized that the person he was talking to was sleeping.
"W 3aleikum, hala u5ooy.. Minu ma3aay?"
"Nisietny? Ana Khaled."
"Khaled? Minu Khaled?" The person asked, Khaled could hear the tense tone.
"Khaled Al..."
"Oh! Hala Khaled, asef 7abeeby ma 3eraftik! Shlounik? Sha5baarik?" the man asked Khaled with much amusement.

Khaled bit his tongue to prevent himself from speaking what was in his mind.

"Alla ysalmik, b5air daam sima3t 9outik. Balla mu8ademaat w 5alna ndish bil maw9'oo3. Can we skip the introductions? Get dressed. I'll pick you up in fifteen minutes."
"What? Dude, it's twelve in the morning! Can't we do this tomorrow? What's it about anyway?"
"I'll tell you when I see you. Fifteen minutes, or I swear I'll make a scene infront of your God damned house. You know how serious I can get, Jasem. Don't think I'm goofing around." And Khaled hung up.

Back to Danah...

After my long bath, I slipped into my robe and went to bed wearing it. Having no energy to get dressed or even turn on my phone again, I checked my watch. It was nearly 1.30, I needed to sleep. I wondered wether or not Khaled called, or even sent a text message; and for some reason, I didn't really give a damn. It was enough that I exposed my weakness to him today even though I promised myself I wouldn't again for anyone.

But Khaled lifted me up, above everyone, he made me feel important again, worth fighting for, and worth caring for. He'd never love someone like me, with a horrible past like mine. I tried convincing myself that so many people must have went through exactly - if not more - than what I have, and they've held themselves together, finding other people to love eventually. But the truth has caught up to me, I'd never be able to trust someone completely again, not even Khaled.

Soon, I was asleep.




Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud - Part Eleven: There's One Way, One Way's Enough. Just Take The Highway To Love & You'll Be There.

Minutes later, I was on my way to meet Khaled in our usual location. I was nervous that he'd comment about my lime green dress, since it reached mid thigh. But that was the last thing on my mind at the moment. Norah was able to occupy my mind and she was the only person I could think about, memories of that nigth kept haunting me. But it's time to put my foot down, it's time to face her and demand an explanation; she obviously doesn't feel as guilty as she should. How could someone have the heart to do such things? And to not feel any guilt. I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and minutes later, I reached the place. There he was, parked where he always parks and waited until I was next to him, that's why he got out of the car. I still hesitated about the dress, but there's no way out of it now. i slowly got out of the car and locked it, making my way to him.

"Yah.. Yah.. Sh'hazein? Shinu hatha? Kil hal libs wil kash5a 7agee? Ya ba5tee walla!" Khaled said with a little to much exaguration in his tone, he's sweet. I smiled to him and opened my arms as I saw his welcoming me with a hug that promised warmth. I felt slightly better knowing that he'd be my shoulder to cry on and the ear I need to talk my heart out. We talked for a minute or two asking eachother about how our day was, then he grabbed my hand and ushered me to the tip of the beach where we sat. Soft chilly breezes turned into stronger ones and we felt the temperature drop a few degrees. Khaled took his jacket off and placed it on my legs, "I know how cold your legs and feet feel, babe." He said with a smile. I don't recall ever telling him that despite of it being true; I guess he just knows me too well. "Thanks, you're right. It's getting cold." and at that moment he slipped his arm around me and rubbing it upwards and downwards to warm me up. "So tell me, what's bothering you?" I looked at his face questionably. I didn't know if I should tell him, I contemplated about it. This is such a beautiful night, and sitting with him hear is so perfect. Did I want to ruin that? But I'm so tired of Norah and all the problems she's dragging with her into my world.

Knowing that Khaled wouldn't just give up and let go of it, I started speaking. "There are a few things I need to tell you, you're not going to like them, I assure you. But it's time you know something important about my past, Khaled. You can stop me whenever you want to, but I'd rather you wouldn't because talking to you about this is going to be hard. I'm scared you're going to judge me because of what I've done and maybe lose what we have, but I believe that honesty is the most imortant factor in a relationship so you'll have to listen and-" Khaled interupted me. "Danah, Danah... You're scaring me. OK? Just say what you need to say already, I promise I won't do any judging and I'll be patient until you're done. Just talk to me baby, let it out." he answered as he rubbed the back of my neck with his hand reassuring me. My mind went into a trance, and all of a sudden, I was back...

Ten Months Ago

I recieved a text message from Jasem that morning asking me to meet him at his chalet. After buying a few movies and junk food, he said that we had the entire day for ourselves. I've been with Jasem for three years and he never disrespected me or my honour in any way. Regardless of the fact that he's open minded and that he'd been physical with his past girlfriends, he never tried pushing me to that direction and I appreciated his effort. I always beleived that sex is an experience you share with a husband, as opposed to a boyfriend. It's the most intimate thing you may have with someone that you love, and I knew I loved Jasem and trusted him with my life. But I made the decision and promised myself to wait until we plan our lives together and get married. Driving to his chalet, I stopped and filled my tank with gas. That's when I got another message from Norah, one of my best friends.

"Hey babe. Look, I need a huge favor! I wouldn't ask if it wasn't so urgent. Can you pass by my house? There's a blue jumpsuit on my bed that I need. I'm in Ghala's beach house."

She can't be serious... Being her best friend, I felt like I had to take the next U-Turn and drive to her house. I'd be mad with her later since she ruined my plans with my boyfriend. I dialed Jasem's number to ask him that I'd be a little late. He understood and asked me to take as much time as I needed, he'd be waiting for me.

"So while you're doing that, I'm going to swim for a while, I'm leaving my phone in the house, la wi9altay just come in. Maku a7ad."

So just like Norah asked me, I went over to her place and up her room since no one was in the house but the servants, grabbed her jumpsuit and ran down to my car again. By the time I left Norah's neighbourhood, she sent me a msg asking where I was. Radeit 3aleiha..

"Omw to Ghala's.. Bgara I hate you, I made plans with Badoor! You OWE me, hoe!"

And a minute later she replied saying how much she loved me. I smiled at her msg and right then, my phone switched off. Great. Perfect timing. After dropping Norah's clothes at Ghala's, I started driving to the chalet again, by that time, 7adee ti3abt and I needed to rest, but I'd do that when I arrive at the chalet. Ghala's house was empty, so I quickly assumed that she and Norah were still out and haven't arrived yet, Norah's car was parked in Ghala's spot. I huffed and puffed thinking about the long drive to the chalet, but remembering that Jasem was waiting for me made me feel better. I loved this man so much, his ambition in working hard and trying to become financially stable made me proud of him. He brings up marriage and having ten kids only every single time I talk to him, Jasem isn't scared of commitment, because he believes that once you find the right person, you're going to want to be with him or her for the rest of your life. Finally, I arrived. I unlocked the car, got out and stepped on the sand and made my way to the door.

As I opened it, I noticed that towels and swimming shorts were scattered on the floor down the hall way. He must've had his friends over last night or something, I thought. Then I noticed something else, something small with srtings. Something red. Something that belonged to a female. My mind started thinking of as many explanations to what I'm seeing, but nothing rational made me feel at ease. I felt perspiration soaking my shirt and I realized how nervous I am. I heard a voice upstairs, I breathed in a long and steady breath, and started going up to the first floor. First room to my right. Just a few steps away. I walked, growing even more nervous with each step. The door was partially open, I grabbed the handle and pushed it to walk in the room. I saw the person the red bikini downstairs belonged to, and I saw the person my heart belonged to.

Jasem was on top of someone. A woman. Jasem was having sex with someone.

"Jasem..." I heard my voice. It was barely a whisper.

Jasem drew back from her and turned to look at me, lifting the sheets to cover himself.

That's when I saw who he was sharing his bed with.

I couldn't believe what I saw. Could this really be happening? My boyfriend, I started screaming her name, surprising myself that I had more rage and anger towards her than towards Jasem. She quickly pulled up the white sheets to cover her naked body as well. I grabbed her by her hair and pulled her out of the bed, not caring that there was noting covering her now. I pushed her as she screamed saying how sorry she is, I looked back and Jasem was still in bed, not moving, the shock covering his face. He couldn't even say a word. I reached to the necklace he bought me two years ago and ripped it from around my neck, throwing it at him. She saw what I did and started crying, "I didn't know... I didn't... Danah I'm so sorry-" I stopped her with a slap on her face, I just couldn't tolerate anymore. She fell back, and knocked her head on the wall. It was fast, and it was hard. Her eyes were closed now.

I ran to my car, ignoring Jasem's loud calls. I started the ignition and reversed, leaving his chalet. I was never going to come here again. Driving back home, not a single tear fell down my face, I held myself strong and managed to control my emotions. I was hurt, so hurt and betrayed that I was in no state to shed a tear, which was very surprising to me. Three years of being commited to Jasem, a fraud, a lying scum bag. How could someone be so heartless?

How could Norah be so heartless?

Carpe Diem, this is for you!



Monday, July 20, 2009

Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud - Part Ten: You See, Once People Manage To Look Past Your Beautiful Eyes & See The Real You, They'll Burn Your World.

The outing ended at around 9 PM that night. By that time, we were all exhausted and wanted to go straight to bed smelling like sunshine and salt from the water. As soon as I unlocked the door of the house, mamma, my sister and I all went our seperate ways to our bedrooms. First thing I did after closing my door was send Khaled a message saying we arrived home. I haven't talked to him in hours, not since the time he called me when we got to the sailboat; we sent messages to each other along the afternoon and evening, updating eachother about how our day was going but that was all.

"Baby, I just got back home with the family, gonna have a quick shower and head to bed. Call me whenever you're free :*"

Soon after the so called "quick shower", I blow dried my hear very fast and pulled on a pair of pink leggings and a huge white t-shirt that read "Bigger shirts make you feel thinner". Dee brought it for me while visiting her grandparents in Europe and dared me to wear it first day of the following semester. I did. I realised I had a smile on my face as I remembered the different looks of peoples' faces as I passed by them, and Dee's laugh feeling way too embaressed to walk right next to me. "People should NOT know we're best friends!" she said just before walking in the campus. Right then, my phone screamed the loud ringtone, I really should change it I thought as I walked to the foot of my bed. My phone vibrated all the way to teh floor. "Hello?" "Hey gorgeous! Shlounich? No, scratch that question, answer this instead. For the love of God, how many times do you have a shower daily?" Khaled asked. I laughed so hard until I fell on the bed, too lazy to re-adjust my shirt which went half way up my stomach. "Sh7aarik? You're jealous from the water ya3ni? W ba3dein inaas ysalmoon awal ma ydegoon! Not attack with pointless questions!" I defended myself with amusement.

"Moo 3an shay 7ayati intay! Bas ba3aref ya3ni, la tzawajtich fara9'an nabee n3eesh bara and I have to pay for water and electricity bills? I need to know if our house is going to finish the country's water, you know? 3ashan a3aref min al7een ma ayee a6ig baab beitkum!" he replied. Some balls! The guy doesn't wanna marry me because I have too many showers! Humph.

"Tadree shloun?" Nafast for a few moments, acting like a frustrated child and continuing. "Manee raada 3aleik, and fyi, y7a9ilik tilga wa7da mithlee 7ayati. Law tlif idinya kilaha, ma telga Danah thanya! Ya3ni daag tgooly inik ma tabeeny akoon um 3yaalik haa?" I was attacking now. Silence... I don't hear him speaking, not even breathing... "Baby, you there? You didn't hang up, did you?" I whispered, feeling so much shame I over reacted and the poor guy was just goofing around. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 7ayatiiiii intay! Shloun alga wa7da mithlich? Walla law anaagiz min al7een lei isina il yaaya, I'll never find a girl who's remotely close to being as sweet and amazing as you. Fideit ilee y3a9boon" Yeah, he got me.

We stayed over the phone for another 45 minutes or so, until the sleep got the best of me. I excused myself, telling Khaled that I was tired and promised him I'd call him first thing in the morning before saying good night. Soon after, I was in Lala Land.


A week later.

"So did mamma tell you?" Rawan asked me over breakfast at Paul in Marina. "Tell me what?" I answered, while playing with the last two pieces of my fruit salad. "Norah's having lunch at our place today, and we're trying to convince her to sleep over! Bas raas'ha yaabis, madri liesh moo raa9'ya! Why don't you try? It might work, you and her are close, at least used to be, but I'm sure you'll manage!" Rawan asked with so much excitement I thought she'd fall off her chair. The moment she mentioned the snake's name, my body shivered. It was like a reflex action, something I just couldn't help. "Really? Weird how mom didn't mention it. But seeing as we haven't been tight lately, I don't think it's my place to ask her to sleep over. Ana shakoo? It's not like I'm gonna be spending my time with her." I shot back. Looking down, I realised that I was holding my fork in a firm grip, I let go slowly and tried to ease the tension in me. "I don't get you Danouh, what happened? You never told me why you suddenly have this much hate for a girl who was once a really close friend! I mean, what, did she harm in any way? Did she say or do something? Did she-" I cut Rawan off before she could continue asking me endless questions with one hand gesture - asking for the waiter to bring the check. Rawan knew that by not answering, I didn't want to talk about Norah any further, so she respected my wish and changed the subject into a lighter one. "Up for shopping babeeeehhh?" She asked, I laughed at her cuteness, and arms entwined we colonised one shop after another.

The day went on smoothly, I didn't think about Norah as much as I thought I would. I tried limiting her as much as possible, not allowing her to ruin the time I had with my sister. After all, we rarely find the time to go out on our own because of her work and my university.

By 7 PM, I heard the door bell ring from my room, and I knew who was standing at the other side of the door. The snake. I was on the phone with Dee planning our next day together, I told her that Norah was sleeping over after Rawan pleaded her to. Dee laughed hysterically as I started praying to God that this night would pass by without blood shredded all over the house. I hung up after saying that I'd call her later on tonight and update her on how the night was going, and headed to the closet. I pulled out a simple lime green dress from its hanger and wore it, taking my time, wishing that she didn't come. What's the point? I'll just go down to say my hello and come back usptairs, I'm not obligated to sit and have polite conversations with someone I loath. Matter of fact, why don't I make an excuse to leave the house? Yes, I'll say that I'm going to Dee's place. Perfect. I grab my hand bag after throwing in my wallet, car keys, and all the other essentials, and go downstairs.

The closer I reach the ground floor, the louder her voice practically screams in my head. It's all a part of my imagination, the things this bitch can do to destroy me... God, I hate her. "Danah! Come say hi to Norah, she just walked in!" My mother called out just as I walked into the living room. There she was. Wearing a navey blue strapless top and white jeans with hooker heals. Ya3ni la thou8 wala jisim wala sha59iya wala galb. LIESH MA TIBLI3EEN TALVIZYOUN SHA3'AAL W TGI6EEN NAFSICH BIL BA7AR W TA3'RIGEEN YAL 7AYAA? Blehh... She's not worth me screaming out those words to her. I simply pull off the act by walking towards her, and flinging my arms around Norah holding her steady and saying how much I'm happy that she's sleeping over. Mamma and Rawan are happy to see me doing that, but I could feel Norah getting more stiff by the second and I start to hear her steady breathing become not as steady anymore. I smile before I let go of her. As we're facing eachother, I read her expression, I know this girl way to well. "Please don't make a scene right now, make this night just go by without anything wrong." That's what her face was saying. But I knew her tactics even more, she wanted war. My smile grew wider, I'll give her war.

A moment later, I excuse myself after explaining the "plans" I had with Dee, emphasizing on the word "best friend" where I felt Norah flinch and turn away losing eye contact with me and nibbling in her cheese cake Rawan made.

"Meet me at our place? I need you..." I sent Khaled a message.

1 New Message: Khaled Al M.

"I'm leaving the house right now, baby."

Just what I need.

I turn the ignition on, and as the car heated, my body did too. I'm gonna have to confront Norah about all of it tonight, when I'm back. Everything. I want to understand everything, maybe there's something I understood wrong? No. No, I saw her. I saw all of it. Tonight. Flash backs of that night started to emerge in my mind for the millionth time. And for a few minutes, I couldn't drive from the shivering...

P.S. I haven't posted in so long, no wait.. *Checks the date of last post* May the 15th! Wow. Thing is, it's not like I've been busy, 3adi. Just didn't feel like it? Madri, and now ana feels like it, enjoy.

To Ms. Q. ;*

Friday, May 15, 2009

Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud - Part Nine: Should've Known Better Than To Cheat A Friend.

I spent a little over an hour trying to convince her that the weather will get worse, I knew it from the weather forecast. It was summer, granted. But we did have the occasional off-the-season-weather occurences, and the man over the radio stated that we'll be having a strong cold front causing winds to increase, possibly heavy rain. But my mother has a strong head, wishing to take a sail. She rented the sailboat a few weeks ago, but never had the opportunity to take her out there to the sea. I've wished we'd find the perfect time; but among the midterms, my sister's extra shifts at her hospital, and mom's mood swings after her retirement, we just couldn't agree on a fixed date to ignore all our obligations and responsibilities and enjoy the sun in the middle of the sea.

"Trust me, mamma. The weather's just not right. Maybe tomorrow? What do you think? We'll ask one of your friends to join us as well, you'll have more fun that way." I said, trying my best to encourage her to delay the outing. But it was like moving a mountain, my mother is difficult that way. An hour later, we arrived at our destination; my mother, my sister, a friend who worked with her in the hospital, and I. Four women, with nothing but good juicy gossip, plenty of food and drinks, and unexpected news...

There was polite gestures, mutual "I miss yous", cheek kisses and handshakes when Rawan's friend, Norah met us by the sailboat. Norah and I went through a situation which forced us to build this hate between us, and everyone around us sensed the tension and off vibe whenever we were all together. No one knew - not even my family - that we had something rough a few months ago. People definitely sensed something, but no one knew for a fact. No one wanted to ask, no one did ask. That's why it was perfectly normal to have her today, and I only found out a few minutes before arriving. After greeting my sister and mother, she passed by my direction. Not making eye contact at first, then there was eye contact alright. We faced eachother at the entrance like a couple of tough mongrel dogs. She spoke to me without taking her fierce eyes off, "Danah, hello." in a very formal way, like we werent familiar to one another, like there was no history. Bitch. "Norah." I said, and opened the doorway for her to pass along.

Mamma stood beside me, amusement on her face. "So how was the drive out here? Inshalla ma ti3abtay? Come in, will you? We have plenty of lemonade and cold beverages, anything in particular you'd like to have before we bring out the food, sweetie?" Someone's being extra nice. Did the bitch deserve it? Fuck, no. If only my mother knew... Norah looked at me, saw the cold look I was giving, not intentionally, at least I didn't put much effort into it. It just happens whenever she's around. Norah's face twisted into a sour expression, as if she'd swallowed something that didn't sit quite right. Amusement glimmered, "Ofcourse she does, mamma. Maybe, a cold iced tea?" I replied instead as I smiled. So my mother went to fetch her a glass. "Not that you'd need anything to cool you down, your heart's doing quite a good job with the ice around it." I murmured as I brushed her shoulder with mine and went in to see what Rawan was doing.

Nothing, not a flicker of rage I knew was burning inside of me, crossed my face. And there, I realised, was the control I thought I lacked, but surprisingly had. "You're going to want to watch how you play this." I heard Norah whisper in my ear behind me. I turned to face her now, the edge of my anger , a hot blade carving up my spine, "Is that your opinion, or a threat?" I asked. "No wait, let me recollect the memories I have of that night and answer the question." I continued, then paused, letting what I said hang, letting it steep. Then placing the palm of my hand on the doorjamb, I leaned forward and went on. "Seems to me, Norah.. You're the last person on the face of earth who has the balls - after what happened - to threaten me, in any way possible. Believe me, you wouldn't wanna play me at all." I saw it hit, that one instant of surprise and shame. Then her eyes went flat. Norah didn't bother to disguise the snarky grin as she looked over at the clear, blue sea, then facing my mother, smile widening. Then she strolled out towards her.

Did I sound tired while talking to her? I did, noting my actions. Damn tired. Anger was energizing, but when it started to drip away with fatigue, it could easily form into bitterness. And this was it, I felt bitter. Norah was an old chapter of my life I did not for the life of me wish to face again, not now, not ever. I had the choice of keeping her away from me, my family. But I certainly did not have the option. Looking down at my hands now, they were no longer on the door, but my fingers were curled, my hands into a fist, and felt my cheeks flushing. God damn. Good job on keeping it cool, Danah. You sure made it obvious, Norah brings out this side of me, the side I barely show to people. Anger, frustration, grief. Good fucking job.

The events of that night slowly, very slowly creeped in me, every minute, every breath, every detail, from the moment I walked in the house that night until the instant I heard her cries and please. But they weren't any good, were they? They didn't help me hate her any less, or hate what she's done. I'd never had thought it of her, innocent Norah. It just went to show how wrong you could be about someone, no matter how close they are to you. I had to stop, shut my eyes and order myself to calm down. I'd let myself panic, and I knew better. Calm, rational thinking was the way to overcome problems. Calm. Rational. I stopped walking to drink from my bottle of water. There was a hollow space in the center of me now, as if something vital had just been carelessly scooped out. I needed to work through it, or around it. If I could get my balance back, put on a fake smile, and head back to everyone who were now sitting and enjoying their drinks, I'd be fine. But the hollow space sat there, and threatened to pull the rest of me inside it. And right then, my phone rang, cutting my train of dark thoughts, Khaled.

Just what I needed.

"Hello?" I answered. "Hey beautiful, how's the weather and sea? Enjoying your time?" Khaled asked me enthusiastically, I loved that about him. He wasn't even with us, but shared the excitement. I lowered the phone, got my breathing back in order. And answered him, "I miss you..." There was a pause, and I could hear Khaled letting out a long breath. "You have no idea how much I'm contemplating coming to your sailboat right now, and kidnapping you." He answered, anyone could feel his smile. The rim around that hollow place began to shake. We talked for a few minutes as I leaned on the cold steel, looking down at the sea. And slowly, the empty spot inside me began to close.

I'd think about what Norah did later, not now. When I'm alone. Remember what I did. When I'm alone. The day was too beautiful, too sunny for someone like her to ruin it for me. Mom and Rawan should'nt feel a thing, they shouldn't. Norah... Alla ysami7ha...


N. -Kk


Thursday, May 14, 2009

They Ain't Ready For The Play, I'm A Game. When It's Up, I'll Make You Beg For it. Don't Panic, When You See It, You Better Hold On.

1- I miss Kuwait's weather, dust mixed with dust, the smell of dust along with sweat, ciggaretes, car engines, bad breath, you know. The usuall. I miss it.

2- I miss Ms. Sunshine calling and asking me to call her from my place to talk about useless bullshit.

3- I miss our green - not blue - sea.

4- I miss the feeling I had while I planned what I had in mind for Wednesday, supposedly today.

5- I have a research paper, most of it is due on Sunday, and I'm not in the country. Bottom line, I'm fucked.

6- I miss F/z. I didn't see her before I travelled. Shit.

7- I'm so angry because of what one of my profs said when I told her that I had to excuse myself because I have a plane to catch. She said something like "You don't realise you're in the danger zone now" since I just got my 2nd warning because of my attendance, or lack of it? Bitch. I have a family emergency. She said she wants proof that I'm not travelling for pleasure, but because I have family issues. Your mum's vagina. Yeah, your mum's.

8- I apprecite what my other professors said, the way they were supportive, nice.

9- I miss mum calling me when I'm at Gust, or banging my door in the weekends to wake me up, or just being there at home.

10- A.T is hot and cold. Do I give three camel's poops? No. Why? Because I'm too old and tired for guys' attitudes. Ms. Sunshine knows what I'm talking about.

W Salamatkum..

P.S. Lilo, you better start feeling better, or so help me God. I will hunt the fucker down, rip his intestines out, fry 'em, feed 'em to him, and scare him until he shits 'em. Then do the process all over again, while video taping the entire thing so we can laugh after? Do me a great favor, feel better so I wouldn't have to go through all that trouble. I love you <3

P.S 2. What's that movie? Nicholas Cage's? Knowing? I wanna see it, soon inshalla. With Ms. Sunshine <3 I miss her... And Kk. Whatever.


N. -Kk


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Weezy F. Baby & The "F" Is For A Bunch Of Shit. Red Drank, Blue Pill, White Dust! Yes I Love My Country, Bitch.

I just poked my right eye so hard! Seriously, fucking hurts, man! Aaaaa7! And K., my brother was laughing his ass off? 7mar, it really does hurt! I started tearing up, not from il 3awaar though, but because my hands were dusty and like... I don't know, 7asaseya? Chub. Y'all know what I'm saying. Hfft. You know what I need right now? Ms. Q, what was that drink we got from Caribue? Passion Fruit Smoothy with wildberry? Madree, but SHIT IT WAS SO GOOD! <3 My new favorite drink. So yeah, Ms. Q calls me yesterday, and asks what are plans are, ofcourse. We always make plans during the weekends, like we need more people saying we're lesbians, it's not enough that we hang out during the week, before, during, and after classes. No, we do it in the weekends as well, keifhum. I love spending time with her, what we do is so fucking pointless, it's not even funny <3 So yeah, I told her I have a class at 2, fa let's so something gabil? She agreed, I met her at Gust parking at around 12 and we drove off, ri7na Caribue - Free Zone!

Everyone was studying -.- I'm just glad we got our books, man. We wouldn've felt tiny or stupid if we haven't. Yup. And while we were in so much denial, holding our books and trying to focus, who walks in? This dude who used to work for mama, he's in his mid twenties, 7ada yum? I've seen him a few times where my mom works, and she introduced me to him the first time. So everytime I'd go there to see umi, he'd be there and I'd say hi because I'm nice. He's so shy, though! Barely any eye contact, and mom keeps talking about him at home for the past couple of years? Like na8za marry the guy? Not because we'd get along and act all "I love you" and shit, no. Because, she just wants him to be her son in law, she really does love him, I don't blame her. He's effin hot. Il muhim, as soon as he walked in, he gave me the "Erm... I think I know her, should I go say hi?" kind of look. And I gave him the "Oh, you! I know you, mom's ass wiper! Ta3al, ta3al! Say hello to me, marry me, you're hot, I heart you <3" look. No contact, no talking, thanks. He just sat at the corner, but the thing is, everytime I'd look at his direction, I'd spot him from the corner of my eyes, and he'd be looking but pretending to be reading as well? Ms. Q made fun of him lana moo 3ajibha! O.o 3ala keifich? He's just so adorable, and what I like about him is that he's such a hard worker! I love that about guys, he doesn't waste his time, and the looks are just a plus <3

Anyways!!!!! As he got up to get another cup of coffee, he approaches us, and here, I'm all hyperventilating, like what the fuck? What are you doing to me, my darling? I just hope that I looked fine, so he came, and stood infront of me with a smile. "Erm, sorry bas intay bint... mentions mom's name?" He asks, getla yeah I am, and he smiled again, that smile, man! It was awesome, kint bagari9 5dooda! Gushy mushy pushy!!!! Wei3. Let's call him Mr. Gar3a, yeah? Okay. *Stops, A.T calling right now, 7adee mnafsa 3aleih, wei3.. I hate it when I'm like this, seriously! Shakoo anafes 3aleih? Because mga9er ma3ay? because he didn't call today? Shinu ya3ni? He's not my boyfriend, damn! I'm telling him I have work to do, and now I'm typing it down. Great, I need to hang up. I did. After saying bye.*

He so knows I'm mad as shit at him. Okay, moving on.

Salfa thanya? I'm thinking, this post is so fucking pointless, oh! Ms. Q wasn't feeling well today! At all! 7aram :O 7ayaty, I kept asking if she needed anything, I took her home 'cause her Moz. wouldn't start, then I picked her up after my class, she felt a bit better, but then felt worse! I was going to cry! I hated seeing her that way, seriously.. She was just fine that morning, but she did feel a bit sick last night. Bleh! Mara7 a5aleeha takil min bara again, fuck food poisoning! You know what I hate about Gust parking? The speed bumps! Why, God? Why did they have to put them? And what's even worse is that they're tiny, they fuck up my car! Ma3tirif feehim though, so I don't slow down ;D Yeah, all my friends complain about my attitude towards ma6abaz, I. Hate. Them. Them, and traffic lights, yellow is green to me, yo. That's that. You know what I miss? My iPod! <3 It's with Bader, my friend, he's such a buttocks. I asked him to feed it songs and songs and more songs, but I haven't seen him in so long! I miss him too, sure.

Kitten and I left during our break today for our alone time, we went to McD's and had lunch there, I called L. and asked him to join us, he did. I haven't seen him in a while, 7mar. But the thing is, he came in a white Range, that's not his car, kalb he drives a black one, hmmm... Who was in the car with him? My cosine. Why? Why did he have to bring her? They're good friends and all, but we don't get along, actually I don't get along with family from my dad's side. So why? To make things akward? He'd do that just to push my buttons. But thank God, she didn't get out of the car, he was just coming for a few minutes lana kint abee sha3'la minah and catch up, fa I'm guessing he didn't tell her he's meeting us. A7san, I don't want her to know, tsaweely salfa, she's all possisive and stuff. And keeps talking shit about me? What the...? But I ignore everything, keifha. Whore. Family ties, my ass. She can shove the ties up hers. Inzein? Wei3. Wa95a (Kilmat Ms. Q)

By the way, more and more people are getting tanned at Gust, we notice 'em everyday! And us? No. Why? Because God doesn't want us to tan, no. Everytime we decide to the night before, Ms. Q and I, the day after turns out to be dusty or humid or madri shinu! ;/ Wei3, no? 7ada! :O Blehhh... We just made plans, naby tomorrow, let's just hope and see. I'll pray for some sunshine tonight, yes. It's karma, that's it. We do bad things, and karma bites us in the ass like a fucking hound dog. I've been reading this novel the past few days, it's called High Noon 7ag Nora Roberts, Lilo, you like reading. You'll love this author, 7adha shebangbang, man. I love her work <3 WHITE C. shifta ilyoum!!!!! Did I make a big deal about it then? No, because I was alone, and I'd just look stupid ishti6iying about it alone, so yeah. I didn't say anything, but aaaaah I will now. He really is yum! But Ms. Q isn't his biggest fan because she thinks he looks like a sister of a friend of ours? What the fuck...? How? He's so beautiful <3

Anywho, I parked my car at 10 AM this morning, and ofcourse, he was standing outside 9oub il Parking at West. "Waiting for me" Ihem *coughs* He was having a smoke with his friend, so because I'm an ass, and I'm crazy about him, I pass by RIGHT next to him, but it wasn't ashkara kilish! We brushed shoulders <3 Wei3, why am I all psyched up about it? Shda3wa? I'm not 13. But shasawee?! He's like that! ;D Enough about him, wei3. I don't like him that much anyways, and plus, his woman's cheating on him. Shift'ha ams at Gust loving doving someone else, why would I assume they're not friends and she's cheating on White C., you say? Because they were super close and he was OBVIOUSLY flirting with her and she was all shy and shit, gross. *Sticks finger down throat and throws up* Not really. Keifhum, he's probably a player as well. Whatever. Guys suck balls. They're just horrible.

I have 4 articles due in for my 8 AM class tomorrow, bitch. She gives us so much shit to handle in just a couple of days, and I barely did anything? No, I didn't even start. Bas il website maftoo7, ti3abt. I was about to!!!!! Before I noticed that Stitch wrote a new post, if I fail this course, she shall be blamed. Yes. Kila minha, Lilo2o zifeeha, yeah? Kick, please. Thanks ;* Oh and yeah, Fz my best friend called me today, and while we were talking, she asked if I sent our friend a message during the weekend for her birthday. I felt so bad because I haven't! Mainly because I didn't even know it was her birthday, but I shouldn've known! She's been my friend for about six years now! Inshalla athabit! I'm like that, I suck with dates and birthdays and all that :| *Pokes her other eye* Is it too late to send a happy belated now? I mean, it's been a couple of days, not a very long time since. No? Fashla? I know! 7ada! But Fz was like "You should ya 7mara, it's better than nothing! Just send her a message" so yeah, I will.

And BY THE WAY! I hate the forward text messages they keep sending about the dudes ilee yrash7oon nafis'hum! I don't care where your effin ma8ar is, I have more serious shit to take care of, like school work! Wei3, wa95een. I'm not pms-ing, that's the funny thing. Just the shitty mood.

I'm off, ba5ali9 hazift ilee 3andee for the morning w banam. A.T can call min ilyoum lei bacher, I'm not gonna answer 'cause nigga please, don't act like an ass with me. I hate it. As soon as I hung up from him tawa, dasheit 3ala Ms. Q online and...

N. -Kk says:
A.T just called, i so nafast 3aleih, i feel bad
Ms. Q says:
why'd you do it if you feel bad
N. -Kk says:
la2ana!!!!! t5ayilay he didnt call me ilyoum kilish at all. Even after he sent me msg saying he's gonna call before work and he didnt. I need attention, okay? Oh and by the way, u havent seen him in three days? Not that he'd give three shits.
Ms. Q says:
N. -Kk says:
Ms. Q says:
i thought you didnt care but you do
N. -Kk says:
what? i dont
just saying..
Queen de vous says:


N. -Kk says:
we'll see, i won't call or text today..
Ms. Q says:
or tomorrow, wait for him, n if he's like where've you been you say you've been busy or you left your phone at home, use a stupid excuse like his stupid face.
N. -Kk says:
LOOOOL dat's funnyyyyy! He has a game now, like in 15 mins. he's like what you doing? i was like just studying, then bed. he was like tabeen a5aleech tadriseen? i was like yeah? bye.. he's like oh, okay. bye. tara i wanna complain, i wanna bitch about it.. inzein? i'm glad you're reading this, thank you.
Ms. Q says:
lol i am

And the conversation goes on about shoes and plans for tomorrow.

Inzein, bas. Gargart waajid. I wanna go to sleep, maybe I should ;D And fuck my work, yeah? Okay. Yup, that's the plan.

P.S. Kk had a hair cut.. Just saying. He looked at me today, just saying. I miss him, just saying..

Good night.

N. -Kk


Friday, May 8, 2009

Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud - Part Eight: 'Cause After All, I'm Not The One Who Lost. She Lost Him.

"Are you ready to talk about it, sweetie?" Dee asked. We just arrived home, still in the car, I could barely hear her voice, not to mention listen to what she's been saying on the way back. It was all a blur, everything that has happened the past hour or so. The woman, what she's said, how I managed to walk to the car. It was all very unreal... I needed to talk to him, I needed to ask him questions. I needed to make him porve to me that this is not true, what I've heard is a lie. I needed him. I didn't say anything to Deena. As soon as she turned the car off, I opened the door, and made my way to the house, my home, leaving all the bags in the car. I wanted to be alone, but I knew Deena wouldn't leave, just like that. Since she had an extra key to our place, she unlocked the door and gently placed her hand on my back to nudge me inside and up the stairs, before my sister or mother could catch a glimpse of me, I heard their voices in the kitchen laughing, that was their "mother and daughter" time, I sometimes envied my sister because of it.

As soon as I walked in my bedroom, Deena turned on the lights and opened the drapes, I took my sunglasses off and the strong sun shined every corner of my room. I finally spoke. "Dee.." "Hala galby, shfeech? Please, talk to me." She replied, God. What would I do without her? Everytime something happened, everytime I had to go through a problem, she'd be there, helping me stand, she'd be there making it all better, she's my rock. And right then, the waterworks started, I couldn't help it. I just couldn't keep it in any longer, it was a surprise to me that I was able to hold myself until this moment, but now... I just couldn't any longer. She gathered me in when I turned to her, gathered me up when I began to sob. She pulled me to the bed, and I sat with her cradled in her arms. And she held me there, while the storm raged through.

That night...

I didn't touch my phone, I was glad it was on Silent mode, so I didn't hear a thing. Dee left a few hours after we came back home, she did everything she had to do, listened to me, supported me, held me while I cried. She never pushed or pressured me into talking, Deena tried a few times to help me speak, to ask me what was in my head, but it didn't do any good. I had the words in my head, the thoughts, but I just couldnt for the life of me put them into sentences, I knew that whatever would come out of my mouth wouldn't even make sense. So I just stayed quiet, until I fell asleep in her arms. She left me a note by my bed stand, "You just slept, I'ma take off. But baby, please.. Don't do this to yourself, you need to understand everything before all of this. I don't want you to cry, okay? Promise me you'll text me when you're up? I'll get breakfast and come tomorrow, we'll talk then. I love you really really."

I did what she asked me to do, I sent her a message right after reading her note. "I'm up hunn, thank you for everything. I'll see you in the morning, love you really really right back."

The lights were off, the only light was from the lamp next to me, I closed it and closed my eyes. I laid back in bed, staring at the dark cieling, there was light on my right. It was my cell, someone was calling. I grabbed it and looked at the Caller ID, Khaled... No. I'm not answering the phone. Why should I? He's a liar, a manipulative sonofabitch, why should I? And right then, I looked at the number of missed calls. 15 from Khaled. He's been calling me all day, along with the messages, shakal 3alay with everything, and he's still calling. It didn't feel right, this wasn't right, something's wrong. It was a feeling in me, my insticts were up, and Khaled would be sorry, damn sorry he was the person who incited them.

After breakast with Dee, after talking everything through, I felt slightly better. "You look like shit" was the first thing she'd told me after I opened the door for her. I curbed my lips into a small smile and embraced her hug, she smelled like heaven, like she's spent hours in the kitchen baking, I was right. I looked down, and she was holding a box of home made chocolate chip cookies, some breakfast, she knew me too well. "My favorite, come on in. No one's home." I said as I pulled her in to close the door, I didn't have the energy to change so I was still in my pj's. My hair was pulled up into a messy bun, and she was right. As we made our ways into the living room, I took a quick look at myself in the mirror, I did look like shit. Did I care? No, not at the moment, it was the last thing on my mind. I barely had any sleep last night, Khaled wouldn't stop pushing. The calls, the constant messages, he just wouldn't back the fuck off of me! I was over the "feeling sorry for myself and being all heart broken" phase, I was just plain pissed now. Mad as hell, waby abared chabdee, I needed to see him, I wanted him to confront me and be honest. Yes. That was the plan, this evening.

After Deena left, I went upstairs and took a hot bath. Exactly what I needed to get all the tension and pain off my muscles, I sent Khaled a message just before I took off my robe and laid down on the hot water. "Meet me tonight at eight. Our place. Stop calling and texting, we'll talk then. Just be there if you have any respect for what we had." A minute later, he replied. I knew it was him, I just knew, and I was right.

1 New Message: Khaled Al M.

Intay weinich?! I've been calling you since yesterday! What the hell is wrong with you? Ta7gireeny?! Shfeech? Sh9ayer?! Why tonight? Why not now? Talk to me, shit. You freaked me out! I've been worried sick!

I didn't reply, I could feel the back of my eyes burning, I wanted to cry. But didn't. I turned my phone off, and sunk in the hot water until only my face could touch the air. It made me feel better, the heat. It made me feel better.

The following night...

I woke up after sleeping for three hours, it was plenty. Even during my sleep, I could feel my muscles intense, contrasting only to relax moments later, I could feel a huge ball in my chest, full of anger, fear of what's coming, anticipating the worst. I always did that, I always expected the worst in everything so I wouldn't be surprised, I just never got my hopes up. This way, no one is capable of hurting me, not even Khaled.

I wore a pair of faded blue jeans torn above one side of the knees, a white plain t-shirt, white sandals and lifted my hair into a tidy pony tail. No effort, simplicity. What was the point of dressing up? No. I quickly grabbed my keys and phone and ran down the stairs. Again, no one was home. No surprise there. 15 minutes later, I arrived at the beach. His car was there, waiting for me. I got closer and parked mine right next to it, then turned it off, I looked inside, he wasn't there. He must be sitting at one of the benches close by. I got out of the car after turning on my phone and walked to the nearest bench, yes. He was there, standing, walking around it, pasing back and forth, worried? Maybe.


He turned around to face me, yes. He was worried, it showed in his face, his body language, it was all very clear to me. He couldn't lie about that, there's just no way in hell. Pitiful. He got closer quickly, but I didn't move an inch. Khaled put his strong arms around me, around my waist and squeezed so tight I couldn't breathe properly. I didn't rap my arms around him this time, I didn't move my arms, nothing. i just stood there, frozen, waiting for him to let go. When he didnt, I moved away, nothing gentle about it, I placed my arms on his chest and moved away without saying a thing. "Danah, 7abeebty shfeech? Fahmeeny sh9ayer?!" He shot at me, strong emotions escaping from him, he was angry. I breathed in and out, cleared my throat, and spoke. I hoped to God I was cool, I didn't want my voice to shake. "Have you been spreading lies about me to people?" I asked. The question - so forward - managed to shake every fiber of his being, he seemed caught off guard with what I've said. Exactly the effect I was looking for. Exactly what I wanted to see. He was queit for a moment, then answered my question with another question. "Come again? What did you say?" Khaled's face was cool and blank now, so that the black of his eyes burned all the stronger against it.

"Why would you think I've been talking about you?" He was shouting. I looked around for a few seconds making sure no one was near by, thank God. There wasnt a soul. I told him everything, the woman who approached Deena and I, what she said, how she said it, the looks of disgust and fury on her face, what I went through the previous night. And all the while, he was silent, not a single word crept out from his lips. But he didn't need to speak, the looks in his eyes said it all. When I was done, after saying everything I had to say, he gave me his back and walked away a few steps, looking at the beach, my knees were too weak to keep me standing upright, I sat right down on the bench next to me. Head in his hands, I could hear him breathe out a sigh, he wasn't mad anymore. Khaled was in pain, I could feel it, it was very obvious. He turned around and approached me, leaning down, and holding my legs, focusing on my eyes. "Listen to me, I have something to tell you. But you have to promise me you'll stay quiet until I'm done, then and only then you can say what you're thinking. Should you feel like grabbing your key and shoving it in my skull, you go right ahead and do that. But I know you, you're smart and rational, and you'll know what the right thing to do is. So please, listen carefuly."

His eyes finally let go of the strong hold they had on mine, and I looked away from him. What's going on? This is getting more confusing by the second. But I wanted to hear it, all of it. He started talking.

"I have this friend, she's a friend of my ex girlfriend, and we're still in touch, because I met her before meeting my ex, so when we broke up, I realised there was no point in ending a friendship with her, they're completely different people. So we stayed close, I know her parents, she knows mine. I go over at times for lunch, I fish with her dad and brothers, she's my sister. A really, really good friend." Then he paused, looked at the ground. A sad smile painted his face, I looked at him, nudging him to go on, he did. "She's the girl who came up to you at Starbucks, the way you described her, blonde hair, tight clothes, yup. That's Manar for ya." Amusement on his face. "I'm guessing she read your messages while she was looking through my phone, she does that sometimes. It never bothered me because I trusted her completely. But my ex, Dalal... She's her best friend. And I'm sure her protective insticts played a role, she must've opened my Gallry as well as looked at one of the pictures you and I have taken, that's how she recognised you. She knew you were the reason I wouldn't get back to Dalal, you were the reason I kept rejecting her cries and her begging me to get back together. I didn't want her, a corrupted relationship, which started out as trust and ended in hate. I don't love her anymore, I have feelings for someone else, I have feelings for you. Manar obviously thought this through, and when she saw you, she wanted to grab the opportunity to tell you that I've been trash talking you in my university and Dewaniyas. Baby, look at me." Khaled asked, holding my chin to face him. I had tears in my eyes, I tried holding them back, I didn't want to be weak infront of Khaled. No, but everything that I've heard... Who would do such nasty things? Manar's supposed to be his friend, his sister, why would she ruin a relationship between two people? Because she's best friends with Dalal? Khaled's ex? I felt my cheecks flush, I'll be damned if I let those two bitches screw up what I have with Khaled, he's mine. Determination, that's what I had, to make 'us' work.

"I understand. I'm glad you told me all of this, I mean... Wow... She's your friend." I finally said. He helped me stand up. "You should trust me, shame on you for believing complete strangers witchathbeeny ana, I'm your boyfriend. And if there's anything you doubt of, anything you hear or see and need to discuss, you should come and talk to me right away, not ignore me until you have the urge to know the whole truth. Our relationship is based on trust, that's how we complete each other, okay? Can you look at me straight in the eyes and promise me that you'll trust me from now on forward?"

I looked at him straight in the eyes and said two words. "I promise" And he held my hands to walk me to my car, we were standing outside. I was leaning against it. He wiped away the tears falling down my cheecks and gave me a hug. Just what I needed to complete this conversation. I noticed him looking around, eyes like a hawk's, looking, checking to see if anyone was around. Oh boy. "Khaled, what's wrong?" I asked, and before the last word was all the way out, he grabbed me. He had his mouth on mine, showing me what he wanted, taking what he wanted with an impatient part of him he rarely set free. Hunger pushed and shoved at temper until his mouth ravaged mine. My back pressed back against the car, and my hands were rapped between his body and mine. Every muscle in my body quivered. But not in protest, not in fear. There was a difference between fear and thrill, and I understood it then. When he broke off, there was such heat in his eyes. It was my move now, all mine. My hands were free so I hooked one arm around his neck, pulling him to me again. When he pressed me against the car again, he nipped at my lip, rocking his hips against mine. I let the pleasure flood me after a very bad day and a half. The feel of his hands on me, the feel of the night air on my skin, it was all overwhelming. The glorious sensation that rolled through us and escaped... I didn't let go.

To be continued...

P.S. Too much, Ms. Q? ;p

Monday, May 4, 2009

Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud - Part Seven: Here Comes Goodbye.

"Do me a favor? Next time I call you to come with me for shopping, just hang up on me. Yeah?" I asked Deena, we've been at Avenues for the past four hours, and I can't feel my feet, not to mention my arms after carrying bags and bags of clothes from this season. As soon as I saw the Sales advertisements on the newspaper while having breakfast with mum this morning, I called Dee and asked her to come with. I was glad I had all the midterms and presentations out of the way for a while, what, a week? Two? Just some time to lay back and relax. Exactly what I needed. Not running around and going in and out of every store in the mall. We decided to take a break and spotted a couple of comfortable couches at Starbucks to sit on, I placed the bags on the floor right next to the table and sat, while Deena went ahead and ordered our cold drinks.

1 New Message: Khaled Al M.

Still shopping, ladies?

I replied by saying that we are, and having drinks before carrying on.

1 New Message: Khaled Al M.

Alla y3eenkum? Why? Why? Don't you ever get sick of it? ;p Inzein 7abeebty, stay safe. I just left my place to pick up a friend and head to Hawally, he wants to buy something. I'll call you after. Don't get those legs too tired, baby ;*

He made me smile, I loved the tingeling feeling he always, always managed to give me.

Reply: I won't, hunn. Inshalla, you too. Yeah, call me as soon as you're done. I'll be home by then ;*

Deena came back with our frapps and sat across me, we talked about what we bought since 11 in the morning, and discussed whether or not we should continue. We were both so tired, so we decided to just relax for a few more minutes, then head back home for a good movie. As we were talking, I noticed a young woman sitting across at the far end of Starbucks. Her bleache blond hair covered most of her back, wearing a short black dress that barely covered her thighs and leather leggings underneath. I hate those leggings. The amount of makeup she had on only convinced someone that she was heading to a wedding right after leaving Avenues, it was unbelievably heavy. I don't wanna go deeper into her appearance, the accessories, the heels, the glares. Too fucking much. The woman was wearing her sun glasses but it was extremely obvious the woman was staring at our direction. I convinced myself I was being too paranoid and looked away every time I spotted her, not mentioning anything to Deena.

Deena: You okay, babe? Why are you looking behind me kil shway?
Me: Madree, Dee. I think, I THINK that woman with the blonde hair is staring at us. I don't know why, though. She doesn't seem familiar.

Deena, acting as cool and normal as possible, turned around to observe the woman I was reffering to. As soon as she did that, the young woman stood up, leaving her hand bag along with her shopping bags and the rest of her belongings on the table she was occupying alone. She was walking towards us. She was walking towards us. So calm, swaying ever so slowly, she definetely had one of those confident walks, you gotta admire that.

Me: Deenouh! What the fuck is she doing? She's coming over here!
Deena: Don't be stupid, Danah. (very calmly) She doesn't know us, why would she?

And just as Deena finished her sentence, the woman was standing beside me. Looking at me. No, gazing. It was an angry look, a look that indicated she was obviously mad about something I've done? What...? I don't even know her. Why's she quiet? I had to say something to break the ice, there was so much tension you could cut it with a knife. "Erm... May I help you?" I asked the woman, facing her, still sitting down. Nothing. She was still quiet. Just staring. In my head, I was all "What the fuck is wrong with her? Is she stable? No, she must be out of it, something's wrong. This is a joke, where's the damn camera?" But no. Apparently, she was serious. Finally, she spoke.

"Intay Danah il Flani?" She asked, it was more of a statement than a question. This is so weird... Should I lie and say I wasn't? No, she was certain. I can't lie. I nodded. "T3arfeen Khaled Al M.?" Oh my God... My heart started beating faster, I could feel a cold line of sweat falling down by back, my hands were shaking, not very apparent, I could feel the shaking though. "Excuse me?" I questioned, what is wrong with her? Who is she? And why did she ask me about Khaled? A million questions were running through my head, all of them required straight and honest answers, only this woman could do the job for me. I wanted to ask her, not the other way around. Bitch. I eyed Deena, she was quiet, white in the face, was she nervous? Or was it fear? God, how's MY face, if hers was this terrified and shocked? Bullocks.

Another moment of silence before she started speaking again, I looked down at my frappuccino as she went on, not having the balls to face her. I don't know why, I just couldn't, maybe because I was scared of what she's about to reveal to me. God, please make this go away. Please... No such luck. "Aha, I figured. I just want you to know that everyone thinks you're trash, Khaled keeps talking about you kil ma mar idewaniyat 3and rab3a, and even where he studies, sum3itich ray7a feeha and I don't blame him, look at you... I'm just trying to be nice here, giving you some advice. Before it's too late, before realising that no man will want to marry you. Leave Khaled, I'm sure it wouldn't make a huge difference to him, since he's doing most of the girls in his university, that man's definetely on a role."

What...? I sunk even further on my couch, what did she just say? Khaled? Talking about me? My reputation? Girls...? No. No, there must be some misunderstanding here. The shaking was getting more and more obvious to Deena and the woman, they both knew the strong impact this woman had had on me, the bomb she just threw. No, there must be some misunderstanding here.

There must be some misunderstanding here...

My phone vibrated.

1 New Message: Khaled Al M.

My friend changed his mind, we're just chilling at his place. Maybe lunch after, we'll see. Can I see you later on today? We need to talk.

I dropped the phone on the wooden table, carved with names of people in love, dates and hearts drawn in blue and black ink. It's incredible how I could notice little things like these on a time like this, on the state I'm in. She left. I looked up again, and she was gone. Deena looked at me, placed her gentle hand on my cold one, concern and shock on her face, was that pitty too? No, not from Deena, she's not like that. I'd hate it if she did feel that way. "You ready to go sweetie? Come on, I'll help you with the bags, we'll talk in the car. Yalla galbi." as she stood up and held her hand out to offer her help. I didn't need it, I stood up, grabbed my things, and followed her, silently.

There must be some misunderstanding here...

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud - Part Six: She Shot The Bullet That Ended That Life. I Swear to You, The Pimp In Me Just Died Tonight.

I woke up to the loud noise of the hard working men and the construction occuring outside our house, was the sun up yet? The room was completely dark, no. There's still no sun. My body was in pain, I havent slept for more than four hours, I was contemplating going back to bed when I realised that there is absolutely no way I'd manage to go to sleep with all the construction going on. I grabbed my phone which was placed under my pillow, and looked at the number of calls and messages I wasn't able to hear while sleeping. Three calls from Khaled, two from Deena, and a few messages from other friends. Should I call Khaled now? It's still too early, the sun's still not up for crying out loud. I rested my head down on the pillow and closed my eyes, what will today bring? I had so many plans, not to mention studying for my Managerial Accounting midterm this coming week. Not one of the brightest thoughts you'd want to think of as soon as you woke up, nope.

My phone was vibrating, Khaled was calling. Wow. "Hello." My voice, barely a whisper, I couldn't manage to speak out loud, I just had no energy in me. "Intay weinich?! I've been calling you since last night! Why didn't you answer any of my calls? Baby, are you okay? Did something happen? Riday 3alay!" He screamed through the phone. I could imagine his face, the anger, the fear, the consideration. I laughed qiuetly, not quiet enough though, he defenitely heard the low giggles. "W ti9'7ikeen ba3ad?" He asked, Khaled obviously was reaching his boiling point, I had to start explaining. "7ayati I'm not laughing at you, it's just the I dozed off, I was too tired and exhaused to hear your calls, really. I just woke up, fee 3umaal yishta3'loun bara w gimt min il iz3aaj, I saw your calls but decided it was too early to call back, gilt adig 3aleik in a few hours." I explained. I heard his breathing, it was steady, inhaling and exhaling, he was calmer after listening to what I had to say. But he was quiet... "Khaled, shfeek? You okay? La t3a9ib 3aad, I just-" and he cut me off. "Moo m3a9ib Danah, why would I be mad? I was just worried about you, I didn't have any sleep, I was seriously considering passing by your place and seeing if your car is parked." He said.

I was melting under the sheets, privately, I thanked God for giving me the most caring person in the world, 5ayif 3alay. I said nothing. It was my time to be quiet, I just didn't know how to reply, it was overwhelming. Despite the amount of time I've known Khaled, all the good and bad times we've experienced and shared together, the arguments and the romance, I still cannot for the life of me start to get used to his treatment. It gets a little bit too much sometimes, he feeds me so much care and attention, I sometimes wonder whether I'm in a dream or not. I pinch myself at times and always tell myself that I'm exteremely lucky for a person like Khaled to be a significant part of my life. We closed the lousy subject, and talked about the events that will occur today. Hopefully, I'll have time to see him in between our busy schedules. He was planning on taking his mom for some last minute shopping since she was travelling to visit her sister abroad, and after that, the entire family were having dinner at Khaled's grandparents' house and spend the remaining of the day there. And if by any chance, he had the opportunity to leave early, we'll meet up.

I on the other hand, have to take care of some errands I've been too lazy to do the past two weeks. A presentation due three days from now didn't even start, that midterm I have absolutely no intentions of studying for, and buying a birthday gift for a friend of mine. Blehh.. We'll figure something out. We always do. From his low and sleepy voice, I could feel the warmth radiating even through the phone. How could someone I know so little about, someone I've met not long ago, seems to have this kind of strong effect on my being? Khaled was most probably the only person who has the ability to uplift my mood in just a few seconds, no matter how small or big the problem I'm facing is. He's the first person I think of calling and asking for help everytime I try so hard to overcome an obstacle. His patience, understanding, and wisdom make their way into my mind and assist me in any way possible, he makes me feel better by his words and actions. Without him, I'd be lost.

It's just incredible, we just met. It hadn't been long at all. We ended up closing the phone at around 9 AM. Khaled needed three hours of sleep, so we decided that I'd wake him up by the time he had to pray the afternoon. Then, he'd start his day with his mother. In those three hours, I was able to start and finish my presentation. Thank Goodness, it didn't require alot of my time and effort since it wasn't the main presentation I had to do for the course, it consisted of 20 slides and information about e.e. cummings for my Literature class. As soon as I finished, I poured myself the third cup of coffee I needed that morning, caffiene was the only thing keeping me awake and alert. I myself, was too tired as well. Just as I held the cup close to my lips to sip some coffee, my phone ringed out loud, Deena.

Me: What's happening?
Deena (half asleep): yo, someone's up. Whatcha doin'?
Me: Yeah, just working on my assignment. Why are you still in bed? Don't you have to take Boss to the vet?
Deena: Mom took him this morning, apparently, he has a flue.
Me: Urgh, I don't know how you put up with that cat. He's as big as my pillow.
Deena (defensively): Hey! Don't say thata 'bout him, besides, mom's thinking of giving him away to one of my sorry excuse of cosines.
Me: God bless yo mama.
Deena: Oh shut up, I wanna go walking. Come with?
Me: I have to study, D.
Deena: Come on now, study later, we'll walk for an hour, then you could head back home to finish up studying.

I didn't need alot of convincing, she managed to do the job in two minutes, I hung up promising to be at her place in 20 minutes. By the time I'm there, it would be 12 and I'd wake Khaled up. Good. I washed up, wore my pink A&F shorts, a plain white top, and no make up. I grabbed my keys, wallet, phone and Pumas to wear downstairs.

20 minutes later, I was outside waiting for Deena to come out. It's just amazing, the amount of time she needs to dress to go walking, for real? You get used to it. Meanwhile, I held up my phone to call Khaled. It ringed three times before he picked it up.

Khaled: Hmm...
Me (screaming): Wake up! It's 12! You're gonna be late for your mom!
Khaled (laughing): Is this the only way to wake me up? Why don't you say cute stuff like "yalla 7ayati, goom galbi, warak wayed ashya2 tsaweeha, yalla 7abeebi inta"?
Me (shame written on my forehead): Because I'm not like that, plus you're not gonna wake up, but act all lazy and I'd have to a7in 3aleik 3ashan tgoum until I run out of cute words to say to you.
Khaled: Haha inzein 7ayati, kanee gimt. Weinich? Chinich bisayara, I thought you said you had stuff to study for.
Me: Yeah, I know. I finished that presentation I told you about, then Deena called saying she wants me to go walking with her. I'm outside her place right now.
Khaled (laughing): Walla hathy Deenouh 5arab, 5arab. Ma waraha ila ina twa5rich 3an derastich.

He knew she was my best friend, and I knew he was only joking about her being a bad friend. I laughed and talked to him until her majesty decided to leave her house and enter my car. She looked at me with a "You guys are unbelievable, twins seperated at birth! Hang up already" look. I teased her by flirting with Khaled, he understood where I was going and helped out to piss Deena off. Obviously, she got what we were trying to accomplish and just stared out to the street waiting for us to finish.

Khaled: She's mad, isn't she?
Me: Haha, you have to see how red her face is! Jealousy? Is that jealousy I see?

Deena looked straight at me with a look that indicated the last thing she'd feel at this moment is jealousy, it was more of the lines of disgust and horror. That made me laugh.

Khaled: 3ayal law tisma3 lashyaa2 ilee agoolich iyaha gabil ma inaam?
Me (blushing): Khaled, bas 3aad.

He was loving it. Deena wiggled her eyebrows knowing he was the reason I was blushing and started drawing hearts in the air. I slapped her hands and focused on what Khaled was saying again.

Khaled (teasing): Shfeech 7ayati? Tisti7een? Come on, we both know you're not this shy when we're alone.
Me: Ee, walking, then home to finish studying, what about you?
Khaled (laughing louder than earlier): You're so adorable when you're nervous. I can't wait to see you tonight baby. You're gonna know how much I'm missing you. I just can't wait.
Me (nervous and blushing even more): Inshalla, 5ala9 okay. I'll call you when I'm back home, no I won't take long.

Deena knew exactly what Khaled was doing, she just knew and started laughing so hard her eyes were filled with tears. That's when Khaled stopped, for my sake, and his saying that he couldn't control the way he's feeling and it's a good thing I'm not next to him right now. We said our goodbyes and I'll call you laters just before hanging up. And off we went. The weather was incredible, surprisingly. The sun was high up, but there was a light breeze that came along with it, we were beside the beach so the entire setting was just breath taking. Deena and I starting catching up since I haven't seen her in three days, which felt like a month to us. I told her the latest updates about Khaled, and my midterms. She complained about how gay guys are nowadays, and how hard it is to find a gentleman. I agreed on the most part, it really was a difficult task to meet a young man who didn't want to just get into your pants. But I didn't comment much about that because Khaled was in my life now, and she knew that perectly well. So she didn't just go on and on bitching about it.

I promised her that she'll find the right person for her eventually, she just had to wait and look at the right places. Deena was very responsible and careful when it came to meeting guys, she knew instantly whether the person who's trying to get to know her is a good guy with good intentions or a hound dog who wants nothing but something physical. It was like a sixth sense for her, and that's why it wasn't very easy being with a guy, she's only had one serious relationship in her life which lasted for four years but ended badly. Deena just started recovering from the break up that took place a little over a year and a half ago. She loved the young man completely, it was so unconditional, she allowed so many flaws and mistakes to happen along the course of the relationship. She proved to him, me, as well as herself how strong and loving she is by putting up with alot of his bullshit.

At times, I hated her for it, for allowing him to take advantage of her that way, he knew she had a white and kind heart, and he played around with it, grabbbed it, twisted it, bent it, stabbed it, and eventually threw it away. Finally, she was ablt to collect herself and manage to end the relationship, it was harming her emotinally, mentally, and even physically. During two occasions, I remember him slapping her across the face while arguing, I will never forgive him for that, and I hope he never forgives himself because of what he's done to her. But I knew, deep down, that she will meet someone who will sweep her off her feet and puts her in his heart, I just knew. And at times, she felt it too.

After our walk that lasted for an hour, we decided on buying Orange juices and head back to her place. The drive back home was mostly quiet with occasional singing out loud songs her and I both loved. I loved our times together, with her, I was able to just let go and enjoy the moments we were sharing. Our friendship was by far, one of the best things we've had our entire lives. 7imadt raby kil ma t'thakart hasha3'la.

A few hours later...

Khaled: I just parked, baby. Where are you?
Me: Just give me two minutes, 3end il ishara. Za7ma?
Khaled: No, I just see a couple walking, and a few children running around. It's safe.
Me: Good, it's a weekend, I figured there'd be more people around.
Khaled: Yeah, I guess everyone's at malls or the movies.

I parked my car right next to his, Khaled was waiting for me by the bench against the beach. And as soon as he spotted me, he rushed to my car and opened the door, I got out of the car and only managed to walk two steps before having him place his large arms around my relatively small waist. As a result, I wrapped my arms around his neck and breathed in his scent. Beautiful. Long moments passed before he looked down at me, "Hey you." he whispered. My heart was defenitely skipping a few beats, it decided to play games on me, something it always manages to accomplish everytime I see Khaled. "Hey inta." I replied. He kissed my forehead and embraced me again.

We walked along the beach, the cold water splashing against our feet, he talked about how he sneaked out of his grandparents' gathering to rush over here. I laughed, but felt guilty for pulling him away from his family, I didn't want to be that kind of girl, who asks her boyfriend to leave his family obligations and responsibilities. Just today. He started teasing me about how much he had the urge to pick me up and throw me to the sea. I pulled away from him and ran ahead knowing that he'd do it, he laughed and started running to catch me. Eventually he did, and between the loud screams, laughs, and giggles, he grabbed me and picked me up with his arms and walking steadily to the water.

Khaled: Agi6ich?
Me (screaming): Ya weilik! Khaled bas! Il maay bared, stop. Please!!!!
Khaled (laughing and losing his grip so slowly): Oh come on, you'll love it, the colder, the better. I'll jump after you, and rescue you from the small fish! Okay?
Me: Noooooo!
Khaled: Please? Pretty please?
Me: No! (pulling his hair, or lack of... Damn it.)Let go of me or I'll start pinching your cheeks!

Right then, Khaled turned and placed me so gently on the sand, as I stood on the ground and managed to hold myself steady, he grabbed my waist again and looked down. Surprisingly, I was able to get the speed of my heart beat back to normal, not for long though...

Khaled: 5iftay 7ayati?
Me (pushing him away): Ee! Don't do that again!
Khaled (laughing and pulling me towards him): Haha you know I wouldn't throw you.

He looked straight into my eyes, and despite the darkness that filled the place, I still had the ability to get a hold of his gaze, the way he looked at me, it's not normal. The games my heart loved to play started again, holy shit. "Garbay." Khaled whispered. "Maby." I answered with a laugh to ease the tension and akwardness, "Please?" He asked. I got closer only to hear his breathing increasing its pace and his lips parting. Was he serious? Is it too soon? Did I even have the time to think it through and react to what he's doing? Apparently not.

He kissed me. I let him. Khaled kissed me and I let him. He held me even closer, wrapping his arms with more effort around my body, I lifted my arms and wrapped them just as hard above his shoulders. The kiss which started out as soft and gentle, became more and more demanding. He was demanding, not with words, but with what he's doing, and I let him. With both our eyes shut, we were transfered into a different place, a parallel universe where no one else existed but the two of us, I could feel his passion running through my veins, his power holding my body still. I wasn't able to move, I didn't want to. And finally, he just let go and pulled away a few inches from my face. With no words, he kissed my forehead again and we continued walking. Holding hands, fingers entwined.

To be continued...

P.S: I apologise if this post was a bit too R-rated, if it is, please let me know. So I won't go that far again, but I hope you enjoyed it.

Take it easy.

N. -Kk


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

No, no. Listen To Me... Your Sister's A Very Nice Guy!

The title of this post, random much? Yeah, I don't know, shut up. Anyways. I wanna start talking about White C. first? Ee. Turns out he DOES have a girlfriend, she even goes to my ALgebra class. Karma? 7ada! I don't know what I did though, do I swear alot? Cuss? Uneccesarily have my finger up for random shit? I don't know, but WHY GOD? Why? Leish 7a9'y ketha? It's like, I attract men who have relationships, I give that fucking vibe that says "Screw your woman, I'm here, come?" but no! I despise people who do that, some girls don't give two shitts and still pursue whoever they want, but I don't! But WHite C. is just so adorable! Ask Ms. Q! :O No, don't, she doesnt like him. 'Cause apparently, he looks like a sister of a friend? I don't know, man. Ask her. 3'abiya -.- Don't say that about my lover! ;@ Blehh... Whatever, he's just yummines, I AM NOT attaching myself to him, I don't wanna get to know him, I don't wanna smile back, and I will not stalk him anymore? Maybe? I'll try?

His girlfriend's so cute, though! I can so see what he sees in her, and I'm saying this in a non-lesbionic way, honest to God. I'm just saying... She's cute and all. Kitten and I, before knowing she was with White C. ofcourse, always saw her and her friend in class, we used to call them "Junky" and "Fix"; Junky's White C.'s woman. Yeah? That's what we're gonna call her ;D We made up those names because we saw her once in class, shaking in a very weird way! With her head down and the palms of her hands cradling her head? I don't know, and she was shaking her right leg, you know how drug abusers are when they need their fix? Chithy. So I don't know, I was like "I'ma call her junky from now on." And Kitten was all "Then her friend's fix." and we just had this label on them ever since, lame? Yeah, hello? It's Algebra? Do we have anything better to do?

Speaking of having nothing better to do, there's this effing weirdo at Gust, he goes with us but I never ever saw him INSIDE uni, just at the parking lots. Anywho, tyeelikum isalfa, the other day, I was a few minutes late for my 10 AM class. So, I was sorta rushing? Driving like a crazy lunatic to try to get to Gust, 3ashan ma ysaker system il attendance! :O And there's this dude infront of me, w bared l3an abu buroodta! Driving 3adee 3adee 30! Nigga please, get out of my fucking way, drive in the right lane or something, got a class to catch! But no, il 7abeeb 3abala he owns the effing road. Great, so I managed to maneuver and pass by him madree shloun biza7ma and gave him an "F U" with my lights? A7san. I'm like that, don't judge. But the thing is, I didnt know he goes to Gust! Lana we were in Mishref, not even close to uni, so I don't know! I freaked out when I realised that he was as he drove into the parking lot with me!

Shit... Awesome, just effing perfect. Ma 3aleina, I decided to be in total denial, so I didn't aknowledge his existence. Yeah? But he made it hard, since he followed me to the West Parking lot, the big one, then the small one, then the center parking, then North parking, all this time, I was looking for a decent spot for my car. No such luck, but also, I wanted to see a5rat'ha with this SOB. I didn't wanna seem like "Oh, he's following me." But for real, yo. All the parkings at Gust? Really? Come on... I 6aafed the whole salfa, but he did the same exact thing the very next day at uni with Ms. Q sitting next to me in the car! :O Wow, she noticed it too! So it's not just my imagination -.- So we saw him today, yeah? At around 4-ish? Something similar happened, so basically it's an everyday thing, weirdness. keifa, he amuses me! ;D He's short though, I like his car and everything, I'm superficial and shallow that way, aren't we all? It's Kuwait. Thanks. So I'm sure he's gonna be there tomorrow at 10 AM ;p I'll let you know, what else happened?

Oh! Haha, this is too fucking hilarious! A guy was hitting on Ms. Q today! LOL after she parked her car to meet me, and we were on the phone, a guy like whistled at her or something? Trying to talk to her? Seriously? At Gust? What are you, five? Stupid? Makoo a3'ba? Rule no. 1: Never, ever flirt with a girl with you at uni. Not good flirting, la good flirting, by all means, go ahead (Ehem... White C.) but like cat calling and shit? Expecting the girl to ta36eek wayh? Ana agool dish ib shaba wayed a7san ;D He obviously didn't go to Gust -.- We didn't go to our Computer class today, dude I'm seriously starting to freak out min hal class! We barely attend it! But I swear to God, I swear! It's THE most boring class ;/ He doesnt help either! -.- But we shall, from next week. Ms. Q promised! If she breaks that promise, I'll break her balls, or "lack of". Whatever, you know what I'm saying.

So let me break it down to ya, A.T? I like. Okay? Thanks, I'm admitting it, I do. But too soon, yeah? Nothing serious for now, see how things go, I don't wanna pressure anything, I don't want anything happening if it shouldn't be, so for now, just having fun and I'll see how it turns out to be. I'm still in the "let's get to know each other a little bit more" phase. I wanna keep it that way for a while? And hope for the best. There, Lilo. I opened up ;( I do like him ;( LOL Shiftich ilyoum! SHda3wa mista7ya? ;p You looked pretty ;* I'm flirting, yes. Because I'm half asleep. I wanna see how things go tomorrow, more embaressment, drama, funny-ish moments where we laugh hysterically. Can't wait.

Aight then, gonna crash.


N. -Kk