Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud - Part Nine: Should've Known Better Than To Cheat A Friend.

I spent a little over an hour trying to convince her that the weather will get worse, I knew it from the weather forecast. It was summer, granted. But we did have the occasional off-the-season-weather occurences, and the man over the radio stated that we'll be having a strong cold front causing winds to increase, possibly heavy rain. But my mother has a strong head, wishing to take a sail. She rented the sailboat a few weeks ago, but never had the opportunity to take her out there to the sea. I've wished we'd find the perfect time; but among the midterms, my sister's extra shifts at her hospital, and mom's mood swings after her retirement, we just couldn't agree on a fixed date to ignore all our obligations and responsibilities and enjoy the sun in the middle of the sea.

"Trust me, mamma. The weather's just not right. Maybe tomorrow? What do you think? We'll ask one of your friends to join us as well, you'll have more fun that way." I said, trying my best to encourage her to delay the outing. But it was like moving a mountain, my mother is difficult that way. An hour later, we arrived at our destination; my mother, my sister, a friend who worked with her in the hospital, and I. Four women, with nothing but good juicy gossip, plenty of food and drinks, and unexpected news...

There was polite gestures, mutual "I miss yous", cheek kisses and handshakes when Rawan's friend, Norah met us by the sailboat. Norah and I went through a situation which forced us to build this hate between us, and everyone around us sensed the tension and off vibe whenever we were all together. No one knew - not even my family - that we had something rough a few months ago. People definitely sensed something, but no one knew for a fact. No one wanted to ask, no one did ask. That's why it was perfectly normal to have her today, and I only found out a few minutes before arriving. After greeting my sister and mother, she passed by my direction. Not making eye contact at first, then there was eye contact alright. We faced eachother at the entrance like a couple of tough mongrel dogs. She spoke to me without taking her fierce eyes off, "Danah, hello." in a very formal way, like we werent familiar to one another, like there was no history. Bitch. "Norah." I said, and opened the doorway for her to pass along.

Mamma stood beside me, amusement on her face. "So how was the drive out here? Inshalla ma ti3abtay? Come in, will you? We have plenty of lemonade and cold beverages, anything in particular you'd like to have before we bring out the food, sweetie?" Someone's being extra nice. Did the bitch deserve it? Fuck, no. If only my mother knew... Norah looked at me, saw the cold look I was giving, not intentionally, at least I didn't put much effort into it. It just happens whenever she's around. Norah's face twisted into a sour expression, as if she'd swallowed something that didn't sit quite right. Amusement glimmered, "Ofcourse she does, mamma. Maybe, a cold iced tea?" I replied instead as I smiled. So my mother went to fetch her a glass. "Not that you'd need anything to cool you down, your heart's doing quite a good job with the ice around it." I murmured as I brushed her shoulder with mine and went in to see what Rawan was doing.

Nothing, not a flicker of rage I knew was burning inside of me, crossed my face. And there, I realised, was the control I thought I lacked, but surprisingly had. "You're going to want to watch how you play this." I heard Norah whisper in my ear behind me. I turned to face her now, the edge of my anger , a hot blade carving up my spine, "Is that your opinion, or a threat?" I asked. "No wait, let me recollect the memories I have of that night and answer the question." I continued, then paused, letting what I said hang, letting it steep. Then placing the palm of my hand on the doorjamb, I leaned forward and went on. "Seems to me, Norah.. You're the last person on the face of earth who has the balls - after what happened - to threaten me, in any way possible. Believe me, you wouldn't wanna play me at all." I saw it hit, that one instant of surprise and shame. Then her eyes went flat. Norah didn't bother to disguise the snarky grin as she looked over at the clear, blue sea, then facing my mother, smile widening. Then she strolled out towards her.

Did I sound tired while talking to her? I did, noting my actions. Damn tired. Anger was energizing, but when it started to drip away with fatigue, it could easily form into bitterness. And this was it, I felt bitter. Norah was an old chapter of my life I did not for the life of me wish to face again, not now, not ever. I had the choice of keeping her away from me, my family. But I certainly did not have the option. Looking down at my hands now, they were no longer on the door, but my fingers were curled, my hands into a fist, and felt my cheeks flushing. God damn. Good job on keeping it cool, Danah. You sure made it obvious, Norah brings out this side of me, the side I barely show to people. Anger, frustration, grief. Good fucking job.

The events of that night slowly, very slowly creeped in me, every minute, every breath, every detail, from the moment I walked in the house that night until the instant I heard her cries and please. But they weren't any good, were they? They didn't help me hate her any less, or hate what she's done. I'd never had thought it of her, innocent Norah. It just went to show how wrong you could be about someone, no matter how close they are to you. I had to stop, shut my eyes and order myself to calm down. I'd let myself panic, and I knew better. Calm, rational thinking was the way to overcome problems. Calm. Rational. I stopped walking to drink from my bottle of water. There was a hollow space in the center of me now, as if something vital had just been carelessly scooped out. I needed to work through it, or around it. If I could get my balance back, put on a fake smile, and head back to everyone who were now sitting and enjoying their drinks, I'd be fine. But the hollow space sat there, and threatened to pull the rest of me inside it. And right then, my phone rang, cutting my train of dark thoughts, Khaled.

Just what I needed.

"Hello?" I answered. "Hey beautiful, how's the weather and sea? Enjoying your time?" Khaled asked me enthusiastically, I loved that about him. He wasn't even with us, but shared the excitement. I lowered the phone, got my breathing back in order. And answered him, "I miss you..." There was a pause, and I could hear Khaled letting out a long breath. "You have no idea how much I'm contemplating coming to your sailboat right now, and kidnapping you." He answered, anyone could feel his smile. The rim around that hollow place began to shake. We talked for a few minutes as I leaned on the cold steel, looking down at the sea. And slowly, the empty spot inside me began to close.

I'd think about what Norah did later, not now. When I'm alone. Remember what I did. When I'm alone. The day was too beautiful, too sunny for someone like her to ruin it for me. Mom and Rawan should'nt feel a thing, they shouldn't. Norah... Alla ysami7ha...

Goodnight

N. -Kk

xx