Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud - Part Eight: 'Cause After All, I'm Not The One Who Lost. She Lost Him.

"Are you ready to talk about it, sweetie?" Dee asked. We just arrived home, still in the car, I could barely hear her voice, not to mention listen to what she's been saying on the way back. It was all a blur, everything that has happened the past hour or so. The woman, what she's said, how I managed to walk to the car. It was all very unreal... I needed to talk to him, I needed to ask him questions. I needed to make him porve to me that this is not true, what I've heard is a lie. I needed him. I didn't say anything to Deena. As soon as she turned the car off, I opened the door, and made my way to the house, my home, leaving all the bags in the car. I wanted to be alone, but I knew Deena wouldn't leave, just like that. Since she had an extra key to our place, she unlocked the door and gently placed her hand on my back to nudge me inside and up the stairs, before my sister or mother could catch a glimpse of me, I heard their voices in the kitchen laughing, that was their "mother and daughter" time, I sometimes envied my sister because of it.

As soon as I walked in my bedroom, Deena turned on the lights and opened the drapes, I took my sunglasses off and the strong sun shined every corner of my room. I finally spoke. "Dee.." "Hala galby, shfeech? Please, talk to me." She replied, God. What would I do without her? Everytime something happened, everytime I had to go through a problem, she'd be there, helping me stand, she'd be there making it all better, she's my rock. And right then, the waterworks started, I couldn't help it. I just couldn't keep it in any longer, it was a surprise to me that I was able to hold myself until this moment, but now... I just couldn't any longer. She gathered me in when I turned to her, gathered me up when I began to sob. She pulled me to the bed, and I sat with her cradled in her arms. And she held me there, while the storm raged through.

That night...

I didn't touch my phone, I was glad it was on Silent mode, so I didn't hear a thing. Dee left a few hours after we came back home, she did everything she had to do, listened to me, supported me, held me while I cried. She never pushed or pressured me into talking, Deena tried a few times to help me speak, to ask me what was in my head, but it didn't do any good. I had the words in my head, the thoughts, but I just couldnt for the life of me put them into sentences, I knew that whatever would come out of my mouth wouldn't even make sense. So I just stayed quiet, until I fell asleep in her arms. She left me a note by my bed stand, "You just slept, I'ma take off. But baby, please.. Don't do this to yourself, you need to understand everything before all of this. I don't want you to cry, okay? Promise me you'll text me when you're up? I'll get breakfast and come tomorrow, we'll talk then. I love you really really."

I did what she asked me to do, I sent her a message right after reading her note. "I'm up hunn, thank you for everything. I'll see you in the morning, love you really really right back."

The lights were off, the only light was from the lamp next to me, I closed it and closed my eyes. I laid back in bed, staring at the dark cieling, there was light on my right. It was my cell, someone was calling. I grabbed it and looked at the Caller ID, Khaled... No. I'm not answering the phone. Why should I? He's a liar, a manipulative sonofabitch, why should I? And right then, I looked at the number of missed calls. 15 from Khaled. He's been calling me all day, along with the messages, shakal 3alay with everything, and he's still calling. It didn't feel right, this wasn't right, something's wrong. It was a feeling in me, my insticts were up, and Khaled would be sorry, damn sorry he was the person who incited them.


After breakast with Dee, after talking everything through, I felt slightly better. "You look like shit" was the first thing she'd told me after I opened the door for her. I curbed my lips into a small smile and embraced her hug, she smelled like heaven, like she's spent hours in the kitchen baking, I was right. I looked down, and she was holding a box of home made chocolate chip cookies, some breakfast, she knew me too well. "My favorite, come on in. No one's home." I said as I pulled her in to close the door, I didn't have the energy to change so I was still in my pj's. My hair was pulled up into a messy bun, and she was right. As we made our ways into the living room, I took a quick look at myself in the mirror, I did look like shit. Did I care? No, not at the moment, it was the last thing on my mind. I barely had any sleep last night, Khaled wouldn't stop pushing. The calls, the constant messages, he just wouldn't back the fuck off of me! I was over the "feeling sorry for myself and being all heart broken" phase, I was just plain pissed now. Mad as hell, waby abared chabdee, I needed to see him, I wanted him to confront me and be honest. Yes. That was the plan, this evening.

After Deena left, I went upstairs and took a hot bath. Exactly what I needed to get all the tension and pain off my muscles, I sent Khaled a message just before I took off my robe and laid down on the hot water. "Meet me tonight at eight. Our place. Stop calling and texting, we'll talk then. Just be there if you have any respect for what we had." A minute later, he replied. I knew it was him, I just knew, and I was right.

1 New Message: Khaled Al M.

Intay weinich?! I've been calling you since yesterday! What the hell is wrong with you? Ta7gireeny?! Shfeech? Sh9ayer?! Why tonight? Why not now? Talk to me, shit. You freaked me out! I've been worried sick!

I didn't reply, I could feel the back of my eyes burning, I wanted to cry. But didn't. I turned my phone off, and sunk in the hot water until only my face could touch the air. It made me feel better, the heat. It made me feel better.

The following night...

I woke up after sleeping for three hours, it was plenty. Even during my sleep, I could feel my muscles intense, contrasting only to relax moments later, I could feel a huge ball in my chest, full of anger, fear of what's coming, anticipating the worst. I always did that, I always expected the worst in everything so I wouldn't be surprised, I just never got my hopes up. This way, no one is capable of hurting me, not even Khaled.

I wore a pair of faded blue jeans torn above one side of the knees, a white plain t-shirt, white sandals and lifted my hair into a tidy pony tail. No effort, simplicity. What was the point of dressing up? No. I quickly grabbed my keys and phone and ran down the stairs. Again, no one was home. No surprise there. 15 minutes later, I arrived at the beach. His car was there, waiting for me. I got closer and parked mine right next to it, then turned it off, I looked inside, he wasn't there. He must be sitting at one of the benches close by. I got out of the car after turning on my phone and walked to the nearest bench, yes. He was there, standing, walking around it, pasing back and forth, worried? Maybe.

"Hi"

He turned around to face me, yes. He was worried, it showed in his face, his body language, it was all very clear to me. He couldn't lie about that, there's just no way in hell. Pitiful. He got closer quickly, but I didn't move an inch. Khaled put his strong arms around me, around my waist and squeezed so tight I couldn't breathe properly. I didn't rap my arms around him this time, I didn't move my arms, nothing. i just stood there, frozen, waiting for him to let go. When he didnt, I moved away, nothing gentle about it, I placed my arms on his chest and moved away without saying a thing. "Danah, 7abeebty shfeech? Fahmeeny sh9ayer?!" He shot at me, strong emotions escaping from him, he was angry. I breathed in and out, cleared my throat, and spoke. I hoped to God I was cool, I didn't want my voice to shake. "Have you been spreading lies about me to people?" I asked. The question - so forward - managed to shake every fiber of his being, he seemed caught off guard with what I've said. Exactly the effect I was looking for. Exactly what I wanted to see. He was queit for a moment, then answered my question with another question. "Come again? What did you say?" Khaled's face was cool and blank now, so that the black of his eyes burned all the stronger against it.

"Why would you think I've been talking about you?" He was shouting. I looked around for a few seconds making sure no one was near by, thank God. There wasnt a soul. I told him everything, the woman who approached Deena and I, what she said, how she said it, the looks of disgust and fury on her face, what I went through the previous night. And all the while, he was silent, not a single word crept out from his lips. But he didn't need to speak, the looks in his eyes said it all. When I was done, after saying everything I had to say, he gave me his back and walked away a few steps, looking at the beach, my knees were too weak to keep me standing upright, I sat right down on the bench next to me. Head in his hands, I could hear him breathe out a sigh, he wasn't mad anymore. Khaled was in pain, I could feel it, it was very obvious. He turned around and approached me, leaning down, and holding my legs, focusing on my eyes. "Listen to me, I have something to tell you. But you have to promise me you'll stay quiet until I'm done, then and only then you can say what you're thinking. Should you feel like grabbing your key and shoving it in my skull, you go right ahead and do that. But I know you, you're smart and rational, and you'll know what the right thing to do is. So please, listen carefuly."

His eyes finally let go of the strong hold they had on mine, and I looked away from him. What's going on? This is getting more confusing by the second. But I wanted to hear it, all of it. He started talking.

"I have this friend, she's a friend of my ex girlfriend, and we're still in touch, because I met her before meeting my ex, so when we broke up, I realised there was no point in ending a friendship with her, they're completely different people. So we stayed close, I know her parents, she knows mine. I go over at times for lunch, I fish with her dad and brothers, she's my sister. A really, really good friend." Then he paused, looked at the ground. A sad smile painted his face, I looked at him, nudging him to go on, he did. "She's the girl who came up to you at Starbucks, the way you described her, blonde hair, tight clothes, yup. That's Manar for ya." Amusement on his face. "I'm guessing she read your messages while she was looking through my phone, she does that sometimes. It never bothered me because I trusted her completely. But my ex, Dalal... She's her best friend. And I'm sure her protective insticts played a role, she must've opened my Gallry as well as looked at one of the pictures you and I have taken, that's how she recognised you. She knew you were the reason I wouldn't get back to Dalal, you were the reason I kept rejecting her cries and her begging me to get back together. I didn't want her, a corrupted relationship, which started out as trust and ended in hate. I don't love her anymore, I have feelings for someone else, I have feelings for you. Manar obviously thought this through, and when she saw you, she wanted to grab the opportunity to tell you that I've been trash talking you in my university and Dewaniyas. Baby, look at me." Khaled asked, holding my chin to face him. I had tears in my eyes, I tried holding them back, I didn't want to be weak infront of Khaled. No, but everything that I've heard... Who would do such nasty things? Manar's supposed to be his friend, his sister, why would she ruin a relationship between two people? Because she's best friends with Dalal? Khaled's ex? I felt my cheecks flush, I'll be damned if I let those two bitches screw up what I have with Khaled, he's mine. Determination, that's what I had, to make 'us' work.

"I understand. I'm glad you told me all of this, I mean... Wow... She's your friend." I finally said. He helped me stand up. "You should trust me, shame on you for believing complete strangers witchathbeeny ana, I'm your boyfriend. And if there's anything you doubt of, anything you hear or see and need to discuss, you should come and talk to me right away, not ignore me until you have the urge to know the whole truth. Our relationship is based on trust, that's how we complete each other, okay? Can you look at me straight in the eyes and promise me that you'll trust me from now on forward?"

I looked at him straight in the eyes and said two words. "I promise" And he held my hands to walk me to my car, we were standing outside. I was leaning against it. He wiped away the tears falling down my cheecks and gave me a hug. Just what I needed to complete this conversation. I noticed him looking around, eyes like a hawk's, looking, checking to see if anyone was around. Oh boy. "Khaled, what's wrong?" I asked, and before the last word was all the way out, he grabbed me. He had his mouth on mine, showing me what he wanted, taking what he wanted with an impatient part of him he rarely set free. Hunger pushed and shoved at temper until his mouth ravaged mine. My back pressed back against the car, and my hands were rapped between his body and mine. Every muscle in my body quivered. But not in protest, not in fear. There was a difference between fear and thrill, and I understood it then. When he broke off, there was such heat in his eyes. It was my move now, all mine. My hands were free so I hooked one arm around his neck, pulling him to me again. When he pressed me against the car again, he nipped at my lip, rocking his hips against mine. I let the pleasure flood me after a very bad day and a half. The feel of his hands on me, the feel of the night air on my skin, it was all overwhelming. The glorious sensation that rolled through us and escaped... I didn't let go.

To be continued...

P.S. Too much, Ms. Q? ;p