How It All Started - Part IV

Another Monday morning, usually I meet up with Aj an hour before my 8 AM class to have coffee and grab a quick bite at Gust. We'd go in through the West Wing door, and say our Good mornings to the only people there - the security guards and the cleaning ladies. They'd welcome us with warm and welcome smiles, our day just started, we'd know it would be long since our last class ends at 5. Every time we go to Gust this early, I'd remember one specific thing, him. Him. Kk. They got back together, apparently she tried talking to him, and since he was still crazy and in love with her, they made it work again. I was happy for him, because that old smile came back, it was amazing, and you could see how his attitude and behavior changed back to the way they were.

He was happy again. Period, it didn't matter how I felt about it, it didn't matter that maybe, just maybe, in time, things could have worked between us. I admit, I did have that little glimmer of hope in me, hope that I saw whenever we talked and whenever he smiled, but the smile... It wasn't the same, and I knew it all along. I guess I was just in denial, thinking that he'd get over it soon, and things would be okay. That was very selfish of me. I'm not like that, I care about peoples' feelings, I care about the fact that he got his heart broken quite a few times by this girl, but I have to also respect the fact that he still loves her. And she still loves him. They belonged together, and in a picture, only two people should fit; so what did I do after he told me? I wished him the best of luck, that I'd pray for their relationship to work and walked away.

He knew me, he knew that that wasn't the end of the story, MY heart was broken this time, it was MY heart, and no one broke it but me. Because I've always hoped that maybe something might happen. I could see him in my future, I could imagine him being a part of my life later on. Obviously it was just the dreams of a foolish girl who didn't know better. I just wanted to spot and crawl to the first corner, wrap my arms around my legs, and just die... Again, emo. I know. Shut up, it's just a figure of speech, but you know what I mean. He tried making me feel better, he'd say things like "You're beautiful, you're smart, and you're just amazing. I know you'll find someone who's worth all of that and more, just like you deserve so much more than this, than dealing with a guy who's so confused and isn't sure of what he wants.'' Mehh...

Usually, when I see this sort of scenario between two people, I'd automatically think that ''Oh, he's just bullshitting her, obviously he wanted to have fun and get laid before going back to his girl, might as well just write it down on his forehead. I. Want. To. Do. You. Then. Dump. You. Might as well.'' But no, I knew he was different, I could feel it, in every way. His behavior, his words, his actions, all of it. He was a man of his word, and when he promised that he'd stay with her forever, he wanted to keep that promise. You see, I don't get this whole "Promise" deal. Seriously? I mean, how could you promise someone that you'd love her and want to be with her forever? How? Even if all your arguments and grudges started piling up? Even if you got hitched and had a really bad marriage? That's just selfish, think about your children, growing up with parents who can't even stand each other, no wait. It's okay, because many years ago, your daddy promised your mommy that he'd stick with her for life. Awesome.

Okay, I know I sound bitchy at the moment, but I'm sorry I think it's a shitty idea. People shouldn't make promises they can't/won't/SHOULDN'T keep. It's just not healthy. Period. I see it, I see that he goes through hell, and even after getting back together, he'd call occasionally and just ''let it out'', he talks about how sometimes he feels like people don't understand him, and about how he just wants to ''let go'', whatever that means. And I'd be there for him, 'cause I'm a dumb ass that way. Thanks. Ms. Q, my close friends would be like ''Intay min 9ijich? How do you stand this? Obviously he has feelings for you, she stares all day at Gust, he texts and calls you, he wants to have YOU as the person he turns to when he's feeling down, why won't he leave her?''. Shit, it's not that simple, it just isn't. He loves her. He has ''feelings'' for me, feelings go away eventually, whether this was just a crush or lust or whatever shit they call it, it'll go away.

But love, that's the sort of thing that lasts forever, and he felt that way towards her, not me. Her. End of story, yeah? No. As usuall, I'd avoid eye contact whenever he's around, he'd still stare! I don't understand, I mean, why stare? 5ala9! Isalfa 5ali9at, so just stop, but he doesn't, and his close friend would be like ''Stop staring, you're so obvious.'' but he just doesn't care. 3ugub fatra, a couple of weeks or so, I got a message in the evening, I had a really long day youmha, w makan le 5ilg anything that would contemplate into making my day any more fucked up than it already was. Two of my friends were home with him, Aj and Ms. Q, we were just relaxing on my bed, all three of us. Kil wa7da minding her own business after having a really late lunch, wa7da on the laptop. No, wait.

Both were on the laptop, and I was just lying down wanting to take a nap, but I couldn't since both of them were typing away and the noise. Was. Just. Unbelievable. Wagt'ha, 'cause I was tired and in a shitty mood, usually I wouldn't mind it, so I stayed quiet and closed my eyes. I was thinking of him. Of what he was doing at that very moment. Then the message, I got a message, and not in a million years did I expect one from Kk, we weren't ''talking'' and I was JUST THINKING ABOUT HIM, DAMN IT! How fucking random was that? Shay mu 6abee3i. Thanks. And since I didn't think HE'D be sending the message, ma ba6alta 3ala 6ool, figured whoever sent it can wait. No one's dying. 7atan my phone makan ley 5ilga. 7a6eita silent w dozed off into Lala Land... A couple of hours later, I woke up to the noise of someone knocking on my door and walking in - mama.

The girls have left already, they took their stuff and closed the lights just before leaving, 3'a6ouny with a blanket and drove away to their homes. Sweet <3> ma trideen 3ala telephonich? A couple of your friends called il beit asking about you.'' Mom said. She opened the lights and just when my eyes started adjusting to the brightness, I saw the light going on and off min telephony. ''I'm up, al7een I call them, thanks maa..'' ''So what's for dinner? Tabeen shay mu3ayan?'' This meant my dad and all our brothers aren't at home, so usually we'd order Chinese takeout and chill in front the T.V watching ''trying to stay alive and kicking' series, preferably, Desperate Housewives. I smiled, ''Don't we always get the same thing?'' She smiled back, I'll make the order, get your butt up and call your friends.'' She answered back. Again, sweet <3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_62">ugub idawam, wei3, yeah? I know. Missed calls, 2 from Aj, 2 from Kitten, and 5 from K. my brother, shit. Shfeehum?

3 messages, I checked the last two I received, 1 from Kitten demanding I call her back when I read this, and another from Ms. Q asking me to pick her up from her place on my way to school. And then, his message. His message. Why God? Whhyyyyyyy? Lol. -Sarcasm- ''I'm proud of you.'' was what he sent. Really? Shagool? I just wanted to scroll into my parents' bed and tuck myself in next to mama and just talk... Her and I, we're cool, we talk about everything, but I didn't know if I should tell her about Kk, I always talk to her about guys and stuff, she knows that I'm very honest min hana7ya, so she felt something was wrong. But I just wasn't ready... Not yet. I was still in my bed, was very hesitant, ared? Marid? Madri. I did. Fuck me, why did I? ''Why?'' A minute later, I received another message, I knew it would be him, and I was right.

''You seem happy, you smile. When I'm close by, you hold it in, you don't show any emotions, not even any facial expressions, and I know it's just an act. You know why? Because I also see you from far away, I see you laughing with your friends, when you smile, you're smile is beautiful.'' Fuck. I could make a decision right now, to reply, and go on and on with the messages knowing that it won't take us anywhere, or I could just NOT text back. To just ignore... I didn't know what to do, I miss him. His warm voice, his everything... But I couldn't be selfish, it was obvious he was having a bad day, that he needed to talk to someone, and I knew that an hour of texting, he'd most probably start talking about whatever's bothering him. But what about her? His girlfriend, I hate this. Being the ''other girl'' who would affect such a strong relationship, I didn't wanna be that, because I've been in her situation in the past, and I hated myself when I realised that I was so ignorant, not knowing there were ''other girls'' in my last relationship. I just didn't wanna be the ''other girl''. Period.

But no, we kept on texting... And the next few days were unbelievable. Now, scrolling up, I wrote that going to Gust at 7 AM reminded me of him, shma3na hal wagt? We DO GO to the same university ya3ni, bas shma3na 7 AM? I woke up at 6 AM a few mornings after that random message, according to my schedule, I have class at 8 AM, two hours, what to do 'till then? Aj wouldn't be coming until she has class 'cause she had family issues, and Kitten would never - I repeat - never come before 8 AM! I decided to wear shorts and a shirt to go walking for half an hour, come back and have a shower, then go to my class. Things didn't go according to plan; I was just about to get dressed to go walking, when I got a message from him, asking to meet me at Gust so we'd sit and catch up before class, without thinking, I sent a message back agreeing and asking to wait for 20 minutes to get dressed and head to Gust, which was a 4 minute drive itha kint 6aayra. I'd a6eer for him...

I ordered my usual Americano just before getting a message from him asking me to head upstairs, our spot. I went, it's very private, no one around. Just him and I. And we'd talk, as soon as I headed towards him, he smiled, that smile... Grabbed my black coffee and sipped carefully before handing it back to me, he kissed my forehead as a hello. I loved those moments, we said our good mornings and sat on the stairs, we talked for more than half an hour, nothing specific really, just enjoyed the flowing conversations. Just before getting up and heading to class, which was at the other end of the building, meaning I had to run so I wouldn't be late, he took hold of my hand and asked to wait for a minute. He picked up my books and bag, -what a gentleman- and gave me a big hug, the sort of hug that says -Please don't let go- written all of it, I could just feel him in me. His cologne, his aftershave, all of him... It was a done deal. I'm in love with this person.

Part V will be up soon, hopefully you're liking what you're reading. I wanna add that some of the events in this story are fiction, but mostly, everything is true. Real life shit. Yeah, thanks.

Okay then, off to bed.
Class from 10 tomorrow, goodnight.

N. Kk
xx