So I'm writing another post, just because I'm bored? And I want to? Don't you judge me. I just feel like I have a few things to say, they've been on my mind the entire day and I HAD TO JUST TYPE THEM! So yeah, this is completely and utterly pointless... Erm. I was at my friend's house last night for a BBQ, the food was so fucking good! 7amdella! *drool* I wanna go back, no? Yes. Definitely. It was sort of a movie night, shut up. Not gay. No, no, no, shut up! 7ada fun, first it was akward 'cause I haven't seen her in a while, but kids were around and I guess that eased the tension and made it less awkward and more I-think-I-can-make-it-through-the-night-alive feeling? Yes. My best friend F was there, whom I miss very much really entirely wayed ;* We decided to watch Mall Cop! I highly reccomend that movie to EVERYONE! Trust me, it's hilarious! Paul Blart is so husband material! Iyanin! <3 So many explamation marks? I know. It just emphasizes how much I love HIM.
So about that movie, at the very end, Paul walks to his ''potential girlfriend'' and they have this song on? Wagt'ha I was trying so fucking hard to remember who sings it? Because I knew I've heard it before, it was very familiar! And while he was walking and they had the song on and everything I was all aaaww marry him, you whore! And then they kiss and stuff? Waay <3 color="#ff6600"><3 Was nice. She left, then Kitten came and we watched The Grudge Pt. 3? Dude, it's sick! Not in a good way, but like literally wei3! Such a shitty version of the sequal which was a shitty version of the first part? Yeah. She was next to me though, that's what mattered ;* And when she left, I remembered that I made a mental note last night to find that Paul Blart walks over to his potential girlfriend song? I found it! Nazalta ib Limewire, and I check it out on Youtube. YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT! Mu 9ij! Ayam gabil, where women were beautiful and the music was 3ajeeb! Don't laugh... I just miss those days, I was like what? Minus five years old? Watch it <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e98UOB0etdo
Can ya feel me tremble when we touch?
Can ya feel the hands of fate?
Reaching out to both of us. This love affair can't wait.
I can't hold back, I'm on the edge.
You voice explodes inside my head, I can't hold back.
I won't back down girl, it's too late to turn back now.
<3
I want my own Paul Blart!
Whatever. So yeah, what else? There's a car boot sale apparently at AUK tomorrow? My ex M.g told me online and asked if we could hang out, I said maybe. 'Cause I wanted to have F as my date lanee min ziman moo 6al3a ma3aha ;* Pshh she's so much more important than any guy, even Kk ;( I miss him... Wei3, inzein? Wei3. *tear* and I'm listening to this song, ya3ni daasha jaw! Shit, fuck, damn it. I do miss him... The hell with him. Keifa. Upgrades, though! I avoided him on Thursday and didn't even make my self ''there'' 'cause I didn't stay in the North & West building but at the Art Slash Music Slash Gym building? A7san. I didn't want to see him, all happy and texting his woman with his stupid blackberry which I want so bad! :( Can you feel me? Do you see how much this sucks? *Flushes herself down the toilet* inzein? Yes. Whatever, screw him. ;( *More tears and re-plays stupid amazing i love it song*.
I'm going bed, inzein? Or maybe watch ''A Mighty Heart''? Yeah, I shall finish it and go to bed.
Can ya feel me tremble when we touch?
Can ya feel the hands of fate?
Reaching out to both of us.
OKAY N. BAS ALREADY!
YOU LOVE THE SONG, WE GET IT!
Chub, I'm just in that mood, inzein? Ew.
P.S Happy Birthday, A.n. ;* Kil 3aam winta ib 5air, I love you like a brother and so much more you doofes, and I promise you I'll get you that black hairband you wanted! You're beduwaniya now, you better be home soon! And you know what to do when you're back, yeah? You better. Anywho... 3afya P.S. So yeah, Happy Birthday! ;*
The next post for Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud will be out tomorrow!
Good night
N. Kk
xx
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
This Goes Out For You... F;*
This post is dedicated for the sister I've always wished to have, for a friend, for the one person who have stood by me in most if not all the situations I've been through; good and bad. Thank you. I've known you for more than five years now, but it feels like forever because of how much I know what sort of a person you are, your attitude, your way of thinking and seeing certain things, how you talk, and how you care. Over these years, you've taught me so much, how to think twice before acting, how to treat others, how to judge people, how to see good from bad, and how to overcome all those bad days. Thank you. Mithil ma you feel like you've learnt so much from me, trust me, you've done that and so much more for me. We don't see each other every day like we used to, we don't talk everyday like we used to, we barely know all the details of the events that happen on a daily bases in each other's lives, but that doesn't mean that I don't care. Or ''not have the time nor the energy for it''... Bil 3ags. Law beedy I'd create another few hours in our day just for you, I would, I'd do that and so much more. I know inee mga9ra hal fatra, w malee 3ither, university and my friends there should not make me not be with you or even compromise our friendship, this phase, or whatever it is will pass. Just like the other phases passed because the last thing I want to go through in my life is losing you... Intay akthar insaana who knows probably all the details that I don't talk about to others, knowing that I could trust you with so much more things. I know that sometimes I say stupid things, or act in a stupid way, and be all selfish and bitchy and have too much pride and and and the list goes on and on....... But just know that bottom line, I love you more than anything else in the whole world! ;O Really!!!! <3 This is short, I know. but I just thought you'd enjoy reading it, you know who you are. F;* I just pray that you'll always stick around baby, you keep me not-go-loco-in-this-world!
I love you F;*
Goodnight
N. Kk
xx
I love you F;*
Goodnight
N. Kk
xx
Monday, March 23, 2009
Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud. - Part Four: Ruby Woo To Asha's To Sea Shells
I went to bed right after getting out of my shower, dressing, and putting on my lotions; it felt very good. I felt very good. Khaled and I have been texting while I was having my hot bath, I got to know who he is a little; he's the youngest out of three brothers and one sister, Jasem and Fahad, his older brothers have been married for years and have children. His sister, Fatheela, is about to get engaged from a man she met in her university, and his parents, Amal and Ahmed are very proud of all of them. They seemed like an amazing family, and from what I've read through the messages, Khaled is very family oriented. Score, yeah? Definitely! I said that I'm going to bed, and he's more than welcome to call later on tonight to talk some more and get to know me... I didn't manage finishing the sentence before having him interrupt me and saying that he'd love to. He'd text before calling, just in case I was around my family or busy, respectful. I like... More scores! Rawan, my sister woke me up at around 7 and I started to get ready right away; I didn't know what to wear. A smart person would decide before sleeping, but nope; not me.
I grabbed my chair from the dressing table, placed it in front of my closet, opened the door of it to reveal all my wardrobe, and sat there wondering what on earth I should wear for this sort of get together while munching on a chocolate bar. Lazy, I was very lazy! Bleh... Didn't even feel like seeing anyone, I hated the slight headaches that came along right after waking up from these naps. I finally decided on wearing white jeans and a grey ruched necked top I bought from Top Shop last weekend, ''That would do.'' I thought. Then, I moved my chair back to the dresser and faced myself in the mirror, I've always hated this part. I chose a tinted moisturizer and applied it on my face, and some soft blush on to emphasize the cheek bones. I didn't need much coverage and I had to finish quickly, then came the muted blue-grey eye shadow with mascara. Finally, some daring Ruby Woo was smoothly applied on my lips. After the makeup, I wore my favorite pair of stud classic pearls and no other jewelery other than that. After getting ready for about twenty minutes, I tied my hair into a messy bun and wore Jimmy Choo's ecru caviar leather sandals.
I rushed downstairs after putting my phone in my back pocket to see my mother and Rawan sitting at the dinning room table having tea. Tea. Maku abrad? ''Why aren't you guys ready? They'll be coming any moment now!'' I practically screamed. I can't believe it, I thought I over slept and got ready really late while their Majesties were having tea. Tea. Moo min 9ijhum! ''No one's coming babe, I canceled. Dagaw 3alay il unit, I have to be heading there in an hour for my night rounds. Sorry I didn't tell you upstairs.'' My sister answered. I felt my nostrils flare, the clothes, the makeup, the hair and shoes... I wanted to grab the knife they used to cut the cake and slit my sister's throat right there! "It's fine, I was going to go to Dee's right after, I guess I'll be going now.'' I said, so calmly. 7aram, it wasn't her fault, why would I get mad over something that's not even worth it? I wasn't in the mood for the get together anyways. Not hearing a single word from my mother, I ran upstairs, grabbed my bag and keys, and quickly went to my car after taking the spare key of the house from the servant. I planned on staying out late tonight with Deena, keifi? Yeah.
I called Dee as I waited for the car to warm up, I offered to pick her up and head to Asha's for some delicious Indian Cuisine, our favorite. She agreed and I was at her house less than ten minutes later. ''I'm downstairs, quick! Me, food, eat!'' I screamed over the phone hysterically, she laughed and hung up. A minute later we drove all the way to Avenues, but the mall was obviously crowded from all the cars parked everywhere; but we didn't care, we needed food pronto! Right then, he sent me a message... Khaled. ''Mumkin adeg? :) I miss you already..'' was what I read on my screen. I miss you already?! Okay, need - to - breathe - and - find - a - chair... I passed my phone to Deena and she laughed so hard after reading it. Okay, not the reaction I was expecting. Was it too soon to say that he ''misses'' me? It put a little smile on my face though, and I replied by saying ''Already? ;p I'm at Avenues with my friend, of course you can call :)'' 3ashan to ease the tension, I felt awkward. Sent... Okay. Now. Waiting for him to call, we managed to reach Asha's and pass by the crowded areas, it was unbelievable how plenty the mall was. It was a Thursday night, so I wasn't very shocked. As soon as the waiter ushered us to our table at the back of the restaurant, we sat down and grabbed our menus without reading it, 7ifa9'naah! I was just about to start ordering when I started hearing ''Private Dancer'' by Danny Fernandez. Khaled was calling, I didn't have a ring tone for him yet, too soon. I care about little details.
''Hello?'' I answered. And we talked for a few minutes, he asked about what we were doing and when we got there, he also emphasized on the fact that it was crowded and he didn't want to be worried since Avenues was occupied by mostly the opposite sex... Bleh. Typical Kuwaiti behavior, but I liked the ''caring'', I missed it. So I promised I'd be leaving right after dinner and Deena and I would go somewhere else more quiet. He appreciated it, then the big shock. ''Erm... Would it be okay if I saw you for a few minutes before you head back home?'' He asked. Whoa... Ana hnee I opened my mouth and stared at Dee! Please tell me he's kidding, we just met! And he wants to meet up? ''Uhh, I don't know. We planned on staying up late together-'' ''Please? I want to see you.'' He interrupted, he's asking ever so nicely <3 My heart melted... ''We'll see, I'll call you as soon as we leave and we'll figure something out, just for a few minutes though. Yeah?'' I answered. ''Yup!'' Khaled said, he seemed so excited. We said our goodbyes three or four minutes later and I hung up. Dee and I talked about what just happened, she said she had a good vibe about Khaled, and she loves the fact that he made me smile all day.
Also, she complained about how long it has taken me to meet someone new, nearly two years since Abdulla. I felt a cloud of sadness lie on top of my head the moment she mentioned him, I hated talking about him and what we used to be. I hated the way he treated me and the attitude he always had. I hated how I had to change my whole life because of that one person, I hated him. But I loved him then, so much it tore me apart when I decided to leave him for good. He expressed how sad he was, he even cried that night pleading for another chance to treat me right, and to make the relationship work. But I couldn't handle it anymore, I wanted out. And I got out. I left him that night, and I never heard from him ever since. I deleted all his numbers, messages and emails. But I left one thing that I just couldn't get rid of, it held so many memories and emotions. I wasn't strong enough, but maybe soon, I'll have a pretty good reason to have it in the trash... Maybe. I blocked all thoughts about Abdulla and continued eating my dinner.
Who was I kidding? I was distracted the entire time, did I miss him? No. Never. We payed the bill and walked out of the restaurant; on our way to the car, I called Khaled. It was 9.30 PM, too early to drop Deena home, ma shiba3t minha. So I told him we're going for a stroll by the beach and I'd be taking Deena back home at around 10-ish. He offered to meet up at the same place, the beach. Good, I didn't want to sit and face him, what if I ran out of things to say? Or what if HE ran out of things to say? No. Walking beside the water would be good, at least there wouldn't be any silence. I loved the sounds of the waves crashing on the rocks and splashing my feet anyway, so that was that. A few minutes later, I hugged Dee good night and asked her to have brunch at my place tomorrow, she loved the idea. Now, I was heading back to the beach, I sent Khaled a message saying specifically where to go and that I'm on my way; ''Inshalla, I'll be there in less than five minutes :*'' was what I received just seconds later.
Someones too excited, ey? I felt a rish of guilt crossing me, why was I having an attitude about it? He's a really nice guy, open and funny. Makes me smile. But I couldn't just give him the benefit of the doubt, I needed to know him more, to find out what sort of a person he is. I hoped that this 'whatever it is' that's happening tonight would reveal something, inshalla; I parked the car by the benches just as Jason Mraz ended his ''I'm Yours''. One of my favorites <3 I could see him. Standing right by the sea. Pants folded upwards away from the water. His physique... Lovely. I smiled, surprisingly, I didn't feel nervous, I didn't feel like having a hippopotamus being thrown at me, I didn't feel like running on the highway so the closest truck would kill me. Surprisingly, I wanted to go straight to him. Surprisingly, I loved this new feeling. Even though it was the first day still, but it didn't feel that way. I left my phone in the car, I didn't want to be answering any one's calls; okay. This is new... I quietly started approaching him and as if he felt my presence, he turned around and those dimples appeared, even though it was dark. He looked amazing; wearing a pair of grey Abercrombie and Fitch and a plain black t-shirt, he does work out. A little giggle came out of me, and he laughed, assuming I was nervous. If only he knew how comfortable this felt... Bas I was determined not to share that little info. thinking he might have adrenaline kick in him and he'd make a run to his car leaving me feeling like a total poop.
Nope. Staying quiet.
I slipped off my Choos and we started walking on the cold sand, Khaled talked about where he studied, he had a year left at AUK, double majoring in Finance and Marketing. He explained how life has treated him while he studied there, the people he met, the friends who were always there and his plans after graduation. His face lit up regardless of the dark, the moonlight was shining very bright on us, and I could see that his ambitions were big. I loved that about a man, it was a very attractive quality that I'd notice right away, I respected Khaled. As we were walking side by side, he grabbed my hand gently and kept it in his. I died and became alive at that very second... His hand - even though it was warm - sent shivers down my spine, his touch was soft and delicate, like he was very careful not to brake me. He looked down on my face and tried to see if I minded, I didn't. I let him. I LET HIM! I wanted to talk about something, Gust, Deena, the fucking fish, but no. Nothing came out of my mouth, it was like my mind took a little break to chill after functioning for a really long time? ''Wagta?!'' I yelled to myself in the inside.
But shockingly, the silence wasn't at all uncomfortable, in fact, I liked it. Khaled and I didn't stop walking, and when we reached to a stop, we turned around and headed back to where we began. It took us around thirty minutes to get there, it was starting to get really late; I had to go home. But I wanted to stay! As if Khaled was reading my mind, he let go of my mind and looked at his watch, ''It's 11.20 Danah, don't you want to get back home?'' He asked. I loved the fact that he was worried, that I shouldn't be staying out too late, usually I hated the control men had over women no matter what the issue is about; but Khaled says it in a caring and respectful way, like I HAVE A CHOICE. Which really does make a difference to me, a pretty big one. I agreed, thanked him for a wonderful evening and apologised for not staying any much longer; he understood, he showed it. Kill me now. He's BBBerfect! Khaled passed the bag of sea shells we collected while strolling beside the cold water and held my Choos by his other hand as he walked me to my car.
He opened the door, and just before I stepped in, he stopped me. "Can you wait for a moment? Ma shiba3t minich.'' He said with a light sense of humour, ME TOO! I wanted to yell out! But I stayed quiet and looked at him. ''Bagoolich shay...'' he said as he was looking at me so intensely, he was serious. There's something, oh God. What was it? Did I do something wrong? Did I give a bad impression of who I really am? Was he fooled laman kina ib Fridays? Madree... A thousand questions were crashing into each other in my head, I even felt dizzy so I leaned against the cold car. The air was electrifying, he was closer to me, I knew he wouldn't lean in to kiss me, no sane Kuwaiti guy would do that min awal youm, he didn't seem the type. So I didn't budge away, I stayed right there where I was, and as if he wanted to prove me right, Khaled didn't make that move, thank Goodness.
TALK, DAMN IT. I was getting nervous as the seconds went by, I felt like they were hours. Turns out fee abrad min umi w Rawan, Khaled! He was quiet still, just looking at me, I had to look at the ground again, I started singing ''Comfort'' in my head! Wagta? Hello, I'm paradise. Mr. Marsha, sex on a satellite, what'cha know 'bout good weed and Gang's night? You won't stop, no brakes, no hazard light! See Im the rapper, and he's the dancer. And together, we are your comfort. Stupid song. Okay, I was losing it. Damn... Pedicure's ruined, mental note: As soon as you're back home, wash up and don't you dare go to bed without having them done again. Mu wagta? I know. I know. I shot him a -talk- look and he started talking... I wish he stayed quiet... He should have stayed quiet...
Goodnight.
N. Kk
xx
I grabbed my chair from the dressing table, placed it in front of my closet, opened the door of it to reveal all my wardrobe, and sat there wondering what on earth I should wear for this sort of get together while munching on a chocolate bar. Lazy, I was very lazy! Bleh... Didn't even feel like seeing anyone, I hated the slight headaches that came along right after waking up from these naps. I finally decided on wearing white jeans and a grey ruched necked top I bought from Top Shop last weekend, ''That would do.'' I thought. Then, I moved my chair back to the dresser and faced myself in the mirror, I've always hated this part. I chose a tinted moisturizer and applied it on my face, and some soft blush on to emphasize the cheek bones. I didn't need much coverage and I had to finish quickly, then came the muted blue-grey eye shadow with mascara. Finally, some daring Ruby Woo was smoothly applied on my lips. After the makeup, I wore my favorite pair of stud classic pearls and no other jewelery other than that. After getting ready for about twenty minutes, I tied my hair into a messy bun and wore Jimmy Choo's ecru caviar leather sandals.
I rushed downstairs after putting my phone in my back pocket to see my mother and Rawan sitting at the dinning room table having tea. Tea. Maku abrad? ''Why aren't you guys ready? They'll be coming any moment now!'' I practically screamed. I can't believe it, I thought I over slept and got ready really late while their Majesties were having tea. Tea. Moo min 9ijhum! ''No one's coming babe, I canceled. Dagaw 3alay il unit, I have to be heading there in an hour for my night rounds. Sorry I didn't tell you upstairs.'' My sister answered. I felt my nostrils flare, the clothes, the makeup, the hair and shoes... I wanted to grab the knife they used to cut the cake and slit my sister's throat right there! "It's fine, I was going to go to Dee's right after, I guess I'll be going now.'' I said, so calmly. 7aram, it wasn't her fault, why would I get mad over something that's not even worth it? I wasn't in the mood for the get together anyways. Not hearing a single word from my mother, I ran upstairs, grabbed my bag and keys, and quickly went to my car after taking the spare key of the house from the servant. I planned on staying out late tonight with Deena, keifi? Yeah.
I called Dee as I waited for the car to warm up, I offered to pick her up and head to Asha's for some delicious Indian Cuisine, our favorite. She agreed and I was at her house less than ten minutes later. ''I'm downstairs, quick! Me, food, eat!'' I screamed over the phone hysterically, she laughed and hung up. A minute later we drove all the way to Avenues, but the mall was obviously crowded from all the cars parked everywhere; but we didn't care, we needed food pronto! Right then, he sent me a message... Khaled. ''Mumkin adeg? :) I miss you already..'' was what I read on my screen. I miss you already?! Okay, need - to - breathe - and - find - a - chair... I passed my phone to Deena and she laughed so hard after reading it. Okay, not the reaction I was expecting. Was it too soon to say that he ''misses'' me? It put a little smile on my face though, and I replied by saying ''Already? ;p I'm at Avenues with my friend, of course you can call :)'' 3ashan to ease the tension, I felt awkward. Sent... Okay. Now. Waiting for him to call, we managed to reach Asha's and pass by the crowded areas, it was unbelievable how plenty the mall was. It was a Thursday night, so I wasn't very shocked. As soon as the waiter ushered us to our table at the back of the restaurant, we sat down and grabbed our menus without reading it, 7ifa9'naah! I was just about to start ordering when I started hearing ''Private Dancer'' by Danny Fernandez. Khaled was calling, I didn't have a ring tone for him yet, too soon. I care about little details.
''Hello?'' I answered. And we talked for a few minutes, he asked about what we were doing and when we got there, he also emphasized on the fact that it was crowded and he didn't want to be worried since Avenues was occupied by mostly the opposite sex... Bleh. Typical Kuwaiti behavior, but I liked the ''caring'', I missed it. So I promised I'd be leaving right after dinner and Deena and I would go somewhere else more quiet. He appreciated it, then the big shock. ''Erm... Would it be okay if I saw you for a few minutes before you head back home?'' He asked. Whoa... Ana hnee I opened my mouth and stared at Dee! Please tell me he's kidding, we just met! And he wants to meet up? ''Uhh, I don't know. We planned on staying up late together-'' ''Please? I want to see you.'' He interrupted, he's asking ever so nicely <3 My heart melted... ''We'll see, I'll call you as soon as we leave and we'll figure something out, just for a few minutes though. Yeah?'' I answered. ''Yup!'' Khaled said, he seemed so excited. We said our goodbyes three or four minutes later and I hung up. Dee and I talked about what just happened, she said she had a good vibe about Khaled, and she loves the fact that he made me smile all day.
Also, she complained about how long it has taken me to meet someone new, nearly two years since Abdulla. I felt a cloud of sadness lie on top of my head the moment she mentioned him, I hated talking about him and what we used to be. I hated the way he treated me and the attitude he always had. I hated how I had to change my whole life because of that one person, I hated him. But I loved him then, so much it tore me apart when I decided to leave him for good. He expressed how sad he was, he even cried that night pleading for another chance to treat me right, and to make the relationship work. But I couldn't handle it anymore, I wanted out. And I got out. I left him that night, and I never heard from him ever since. I deleted all his numbers, messages and emails. But I left one thing that I just couldn't get rid of, it held so many memories and emotions. I wasn't strong enough, but maybe soon, I'll have a pretty good reason to have it in the trash... Maybe. I blocked all thoughts about Abdulla and continued eating my dinner.
Who was I kidding? I was distracted the entire time, did I miss him? No. Never. We payed the bill and walked out of the restaurant; on our way to the car, I called Khaled. It was 9.30 PM, too early to drop Deena home, ma shiba3t minha. So I told him we're going for a stroll by the beach and I'd be taking Deena back home at around 10-ish. He offered to meet up at the same place, the beach. Good, I didn't want to sit and face him, what if I ran out of things to say? Or what if HE ran out of things to say? No. Walking beside the water would be good, at least there wouldn't be any silence. I loved the sounds of the waves crashing on the rocks and splashing my feet anyway, so that was that. A few minutes later, I hugged Dee good night and asked her to have brunch at my place tomorrow, she loved the idea. Now, I was heading back to the beach, I sent Khaled a message saying specifically where to go and that I'm on my way; ''Inshalla, I'll be there in less than five minutes :*'' was what I received just seconds later.
Someones too excited, ey? I felt a rish of guilt crossing me, why was I having an attitude about it? He's a really nice guy, open and funny. Makes me smile. But I couldn't just give him the benefit of the doubt, I needed to know him more, to find out what sort of a person he is. I hoped that this 'whatever it is' that's happening tonight would reveal something, inshalla; I parked the car by the benches just as Jason Mraz ended his ''I'm Yours''. One of my favorites <3 I could see him. Standing right by the sea. Pants folded upwards away from the water. His physique... Lovely. I smiled, surprisingly, I didn't feel nervous, I didn't feel like having a hippopotamus being thrown at me, I didn't feel like running on the highway so the closest truck would kill me. Surprisingly, I wanted to go straight to him. Surprisingly, I loved this new feeling. Even though it was the first day still, but it didn't feel that way. I left my phone in the car, I didn't want to be answering any one's calls; okay. This is new... I quietly started approaching him and as if he felt my presence, he turned around and those dimples appeared, even though it was dark. He looked amazing; wearing a pair of grey Abercrombie and Fitch and a plain black t-shirt, he does work out. A little giggle came out of me, and he laughed, assuming I was nervous. If only he knew how comfortable this felt... Bas I was determined not to share that little info. thinking he might have adrenaline kick in him and he'd make a run to his car leaving me feeling like a total poop.
Nope. Staying quiet.
I slipped off my Choos and we started walking on the cold sand, Khaled talked about where he studied, he had a year left at AUK, double majoring in Finance and Marketing. He explained how life has treated him while he studied there, the people he met, the friends who were always there and his plans after graduation. His face lit up regardless of the dark, the moonlight was shining very bright on us, and I could see that his ambitions were big. I loved that about a man, it was a very attractive quality that I'd notice right away, I respected Khaled. As we were walking side by side, he grabbed my hand gently and kept it in his. I died and became alive at that very second... His hand - even though it was warm - sent shivers down my spine, his touch was soft and delicate, like he was very careful not to brake me. He looked down on my face and tried to see if I minded, I didn't. I let him. I LET HIM! I wanted to talk about something, Gust, Deena, the fucking fish, but no. Nothing came out of my mouth, it was like my mind took a little break to chill after functioning for a really long time? ''Wagta?!'' I yelled to myself in the inside.
But shockingly, the silence wasn't at all uncomfortable, in fact, I liked it. Khaled and I didn't stop walking, and when we reached to a stop, we turned around and headed back to where we began. It took us around thirty minutes to get there, it was starting to get really late; I had to go home. But I wanted to stay! As if Khaled was reading my mind, he let go of my mind and looked at his watch, ''It's 11.20 Danah, don't you want to get back home?'' He asked. I loved the fact that he was worried, that I shouldn't be staying out too late, usually I hated the control men had over women no matter what the issue is about; but Khaled says it in a caring and respectful way, like I HAVE A CHOICE. Which really does make a difference to me, a pretty big one. I agreed, thanked him for a wonderful evening and apologised for not staying any much longer; he understood, he showed it. Kill me now. He's BBBerfect! Khaled passed the bag of sea shells we collected while strolling beside the cold water and held my Choos by his other hand as he walked me to my car.
He opened the door, and just before I stepped in, he stopped me. "Can you wait for a moment? Ma shiba3t minich.'' He said with a light sense of humour, ME TOO! I wanted to yell out! But I stayed quiet and looked at him. ''Bagoolich shay...'' he said as he was looking at me so intensely, he was serious. There's something, oh God. What was it? Did I do something wrong? Did I give a bad impression of who I really am? Was he fooled laman kina ib Fridays? Madree... A thousand questions were crashing into each other in my head, I even felt dizzy so I leaned against the cold car. The air was electrifying, he was closer to me, I knew he wouldn't lean in to kiss me, no sane Kuwaiti guy would do that min awal youm, he didn't seem the type. So I didn't budge away, I stayed right there where I was, and as if he wanted to prove me right, Khaled didn't make that move, thank Goodness.
TALK, DAMN IT. I was getting nervous as the seconds went by, I felt like they were hours. Turns out fee abrad min umi w Rawan, Khaled! He was quiet still, just looking at me, I had to look at the ground again, I started singing ''Comfort'' in my head! Wagta? Hello, I'm paradise. Mr. Marsha, sex on a satellite, what'cha know 'bout good weed and Gang's night? You won't stop, no brakes, no hazard light! See Im the rapper, and he's the dancer. And together, we are your comfort. Stupid song. Okay, I was losing it. Damn... Pedicure's ruined, mental note: As soon as you're back home, wash up and don't you dare go to bed without having them done again. Mu wagta? I know. I know. I shot him a -talk- look and he started talking... I wish he stayed quiet... He should have stayed quiet...
Goodnight.
N. Kk
xx
Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud. - Part Three: A Fortunate Coincidence
I drew away from Khaled and slowly made my way to my side of the car; I was positive he was still standing where he was and stared at me walking away. He then approached me and closed my door gently as I got into the car, he looked around the parking lot to make sure no one was around to witness strangers making conversations; it didn't seem right. Then, he withdrew his glance from the lot and looked at me, I wasn't paying any attention to him really, Deena was asking if we could go since her next class started in about half an hour. I had to go; I didn't want to, but I had to. ''You can't just leave.'' He said, is he serious? Just because he decided to be all chivalrous and replaced my screwed up tire doesn't mean I was obliged to listen to this man, I made a -don't tell me what to do- face and he understood right away. I put my sunglasses back on and started rolling up the window, ''Okay, okay. Here's the deal, and you can say no if you want to, but for the sake of this fortunate coincidence, give me a chance to get to know you.'' Wow.
He really is serious! I turned to Deena on my right with complete shock on my face, how was I supposed to react? He obviously wanted to leave his number, I never accepted a number from random guys on the street, the whole idea was always tacky to me; but he's really attractive, and he seemed nice. Why not? ''Just take his number, Danouh. You know you want to!'' Deena murmured under her breath so Khaled wouldn't hear her, she was smiling as well. Obviously she was all for it. Deena always had bigger balls than mine, she was never scared or shy, she knew she'd never call any of the men who tried ra8iming her because it was clear they'd be doing it all day long and she would just be one of the ''9aida'' girls. She knew better. But I was never like that, I didn't know how to play smart with men while driving or out and about, I was too naive and blind to notice the signs men would do; even when Deena or any other girl I'm out with states it out loud to me, I wouldn't be noticing a person flirting. It. Just. Wasn't. My. Thing. ''Okay, but only if you promise to leave right after. 'Cause there's an old couple behind you and they won't stop staring.'' I replied. Oh. My. God! I said it...
His barely-a-smile was now a big smile across his face, the dimples again... Beautiful.
I prayed right there and then that I didn't seem stupid for staring at him like that, he answered me. ''Really? Ma9adig! Thank you, you won't regret it'' Khaled promised. ''I really hope not.'' I said with a smile just as big as his as I gave him my cell phone to save his number. A few seconds of silence... ''Here you go. I saved it. Text me or call wala ay shay tabeena, aham shay tkoonin mirta7a, and I really am lucky.'' He said. I just returned his gaze with another grin, simple. And apparently affective. I promised I'd text him later on today and reversed the car just as Khaled went into the restaurant to meet his friends, he was late. Ya7leila, he wasn't rude about it, bil 3ags. So sweet. As I drove out of the parking and took the first U-turn to head to Mishref, Deena kept looking at me, was she smiling? Was she surprised of what I've done? Was that a -I'm proud of you- face?
I said nothing, pretending like I haven't noticed any of it, and made my way back to the university while listening to numerous songs from the CD Deena put in. Was this a good thing? I prayed it was. The last thing I needed was more problems with men in my life; just the thought of it made me nervous, I promised myself I'd act smart this time. No commitments. Nothing. Why was I even thinking about that? It's not like I've met the guy a long time ago, more like thirty seconds ago. So I just blocked the whole idea from my head as I entered the North gate and slowly drove to the North Entrance where Deena kissed me goodbye, grabbed her notebooks and bag, and closed the door of the car behind her. She really was beautiful, ma aloom ishabab la shafouha, even in the university, she wasn't very tall, but definitely had a great figure, healthy more than lean, and had a fresh look rather than all that artificial stuff you'd add on your face and body just to seem attractive. She didn't give it a lot of effort, beautiful.
And what's even more attractive about her is her pure heart, she had a big one. Never did I notice bad behavior from her, even when she was wronged, she'd always apologise when mistaken and helps her friends whenever she had the opportunity. She had confidence when she walked, and that was appealing to people around her, she's the sort of person who would turn heads as she'd make her way across a room, and she knew it; but was never too confident about the looks she'd get. A lady.
I drove out of Mishref, and went to the co-op for the things my sister needed, she planned on a little get together with her friends at our house this evening, I knew it would be a long night, so I grabbed another coffee on my way home; fortunately, there was barely any traffic. I was back in no time. As I parked my car and collected my books, bag, phone and the groceries, my mother parked her Lexus next to me. She shot me a smile, and I knew for some reason that she had good news.
Bist'ha 3ala ras'ha as soon as we walked into the house, it was cold, the A.C was on, wasn't it too early to switch it on just yet? I made a mental note in my head to asha3'il the heater in my room before my bath, a bath... I couldn't wait. ''Mama wein ri7tay 3ugub idawam?'' My mother asked, ''T3'adeit ma3a Dee, yuma. Radeit'ha ijam3a w kanee.'' I said as I smiled to her, she loves Deena and always saw her as her own daughter. Tzifha la 3'li6at, make her laugh when she was going through a bad time, and was proud when Deena accomplished things ever since they've met. I loved seeing them together, she trusts Deena just like she trusted me. ''Bil 3afia galbi, yalla goomay tsabi7ay w ray7ay gabil il 3asha ilyoum ma3a i5tich, you've had a long morning. When you're up, stop by at my room, aby akalmich ib salfa.'' ''Inshalla, yuma.'' I said as I descended the two steps from our living room and strolled over to my bedroom. I sent Khaled a message just before I got undressed and lit candles, I added aromas in my bathroom just to help me lean back and relax, I needed it. ''Hey, it's Danah :) I just got back home, I promised to text you soon, so here you go :)''. Bleh... Can I be anymore lame? Nope. That's as low as it got, whatever, zein minee dazeit message. I carried my iPod, my phone, and the novel I was determined to finish just before switching the heater on and made my way back to the dimmed bathroom.
I hope you liked it ;)
N. Kk
xx
He really is serious! I turned to Deena on my right with complete shock on my face, how was I supposed to react? He obviously wanted to leave his number, I never accepted a number from random guys on the street, the whole idea was always tacky to me; but he's really attractive, and he seemed nice. Why not? ''Just take his number, Danouh. You know you want to!'' Deena murmured under her breath so Khaled wouldn't hear her, she was smiling as well. Obviously she was all for it. Deena always had bigger balls than mine, she was never scared or shy, she knew she'd never call any of the men who tried ra8iming her because it was clear they'd be doing it all day long and she would just be one of the ''9aida'' girls. She knew better. But I was never like that, I didn't know how to play smart with men while driving or out and about, I was too naive and blind to notice the signs men would do; even when Deena or any other girl I'm out with states it out loud to me, I wouldn't be noticing a person flirting. It. Just. Wasn't. My. Thing. ''Okay, but only if you promise to leave right after. 'Cause there's an old couple behind you and they won't stop staring.'' I replied. Oh. My. God! I said it...
His barely-a-smile was now a big smile across his face, the dimples again... Beautiful.
I prayed right there and then that I didn't seem stupid for staring at him like that, he answered me. ''Really? Ma9adig! Thank you, you won't regret it'' Khaled promised. ''I really hope not.'' I said with a smile just as big as his as I gave him my cell phone to save his number. A few seconds of silence... ''Here you go. I saved it. Text me or call wala ay shay tabeena, aham shay tkoonin mirta7a, and I really am lucky.'' He said. I just returned his gaze with another grin, simple. And apparently affective. I promised I'd text him later on today and reversed the car just as Khaled went into the restaurant to meet his friends, he was late. Ya7leila, he wasn't rude about it, bil 3ags. So sweet. As I drove out of the parking and took the first U-turn to head to Mishref, Deena kept looking at me, was she smiling? Was she surprised of what I've done? Was that a -I'm proud of you- face?
I said nothing, pretending like I haven't noticed any of it, and made my way back to the university while listening to numerous songs from the CD Deena put in. Was this a good thing? I prayed it was. The last thing I needed was more problems with men in my life; just the thought of it made me nervous, I promised myself I'd act smart this time. No commitments. Nothing. Why was I even thinking about that? It's not like I've met the guy a long time ago, more like thirty seconds ago. So I just blocked the whole idea from my head as I entered the North gate and slowly drove to the North Entrance where Deena kissed me goodbye, grabbed her notebooks and bag, and closed the door of the car behind her. She really was beautiful, ma aloom ishabab la shafouha, even in the university, she wasn't very tall, but definitely had a great figure, healthy more than lean, and had a fresh look rather than all that artificial stuff you'd add on your face and body just to seem attractive. She didn't give it a lot of effort, beautiful.
And what's even more attractive about her is her pure heart, she had a big one. Never did I notice bad behavior from her, even when she was wronged, she'd always apologise when mistaken and helps her friends whenever she had the opportunity. She had confidence when she walked, and that was appealing to people around her, she's the sort of person who would turn heads as she'd make her way across a room, and she knew it; but was never too confident about the looks she'd get. A lady.
I drove out of Mishref, and went to the co-op for the things my sister needed, she planned on a little get together with her friends at our house this evening, I knew it would be a long night, so I grabbed another coffee on my way home; fortunately, there was barely any traffic. I was back in no time. As I parked my car and collected my books, bag, phone and the groceries, my mother parked her Lexus next to me. She shot me a smile, and I knew for some reason that she had good news.
Bist'ha 3ala ras'ha as soon as we walked into the house, it was cold, the A.C was on, wasn't it too early to switch it on just yet? I made a mental note in my head to asha3'il the heater in my room before my bath, a bath... I couldn't wait. ''Mama wein ri7tay 3ugub idawam?'' My mother asked, ''T3'adeit ma3a Dee, yuma. Radeit'ha ijam3a w kanee.'' I said as I smiled to her, she loves Deena and always saw her as her own daughter. Tzifha la 3'li6at, make her laugh when she was going through a bad time, and was proud when Deena accomplished things ever since they've met. I loved seeing them together, she trusts Deena just like she trusted me. ''Bil 3afia galbi, yalla goomay tsabi7ay w ray7ay gabil il 3asha ilyoum ma3a i5tich, you've had a long morning. When you're up, stop by at my room, aby akalmich ib salfa.'' ''Inshalla, yuma.'' I said as I descended the two steps from our living room and strolled over to my bedroom. I sent Khaled a message just before I got undressed and lit candles, I added aromas in my bathroom just to help me lean back and relax, I needed it. ''Hey, it's Danah :) I just got back home, I promised to text you soon, so here you go :)''. Bleh... Can I be anymore lame? Nope. That's as low as it got, whatever, zein minee dazeit message. I carried my iPod, my phone, and the novel I was determined to finish just before switching the heater on and made my way back to the dimmed bathroom.
I hope you liked it ;)
N. Kk
xx
Friday, March 20, 2009
Hit & Miss...
This is not Part Three of Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud. This is not another post of Kk, this is nothing funny or entertaining or amusing. This is me. How it used to be, and how it might have been. This was my personality a year ago, this is how I overcome so much in my life, this is how I grew up, this is the person I was and the person I've become. This is me...
F called me at 11.37 PM tonight. Full stop. The last time we've talked was weeks ago, we just stopped... No specific reason, we were just exhausted from all the arguments and the exchanged blows from one another. We both needed a break from our friendship even though we never officially said it out loud; we just knew each other very well, so we stopped calling each other. And I guess that over the weeks, neither of us called the other, and that was that. We just brought it to a standstill if you may say. That was that, I moved on with my life and so did he. I slowly and gradually forgot about how he was able to be a huge part of my life, I stopped thinking about him twenty four hours a day, and I stopped thinking about what might have been. It all started in the summer of 2007. I had a Facebook account and I met F there, it was in the early hours of the morning and everyone at home was sleeping, I wasn't. We talked for hours, and even though I had plans a few hours later to go shopping with my mother, I wasn't able to close the laptop and just go to bed. We got to know each other, and the conversations were flowing so easily, neither of us had to make any effort, both of us were comfortable with it.
I was a stranger to him, and he was a stranger to me, but it all felt very natural and innate. We stayed that way for another few days, talking about everything and nothing, not speaking to anyone else but one another, not interested in anyone else but one another. Shortly, we exchanged numbers. We both knew it was too soon, but this was different, it was real. It felt real. And neither one of us felt this way before, so we took that huge step. He called the night he had my number, and we talked for a few minutes; both of us shy and feeling awkward, but it was a ''nice'' sort of awkward, the kind of awkward that said ''Please don't hang up, I still want to talk to you and feel stupid" awkward. The next day, F was grocery shopping in his co-op, and we were texting each other at the same time, he would stop by the Dairy Products and ask what he should add to his basket, he would then movie to the Ice creams and ask which ones he should get for his house. I loved it, how he was able to make those sorts of decisions and taking my say in them; even though they were simple ones like whether he should get Chocolate or Vanilla ice-cream, he made the effort to ask about what I thought.
He cared, in such an early stage; you rarely find that in a person. He was having his finals at the same time, and I'd wake him up every morning so he would have breakfast and start revising before heading to his exams. Back then, he was a senior going through his last course at his university, studying very hard to graduate and earn a decent job right after. He shared his dreams, his ambitions, what he wanted to become. Just a few days after meeting me, again, we both thought we were moving pretty fast; but for some reason, nothing mattered other than the fact that we wanted this relationship. We exchanged "I love yous" right away, knowing that it felt so real and not regretting any part of it, so excited about how saying it would change our lives forever. We barely had any arguments, finding that each day was better than the one before, thanking God for these amazing feelings that in time would grow more and more. We talked about marriage, children, family vacations, school and responsibilities. We talked about our past relationships, the pain, the strength we gained out of them, and the reasons why everything led to us being together eventually.
I was in love so early in my life, a young seventeen year old loving a person who was five years older than me, feeling so secure and protected in safe hands. This was where I wanted to be, when things started to get completely serious between us, we started having problems, they started out small and eventually led to bigger ones; but with understanding and negotiating, we solved everything, both feeling content about it. We knew how to talk to one another about problems knowing we'd find a way to make it right, we always did. We made it right. I travelled that summer, he travelled as well, but we managed to talk on a daily bases, I missed him so much while being away, not being able to wait until I arrived back home so everything would be normal again. I stopped talking to other guys, I just simply lost interest in all of them, everything was so much more clear now; he was able to make me feel complete; I didn't NEED anyone else. F was mine, and I was completely and utterly his. But the problems kept coming, more disagreements that led to arguments, forcing the both of us to rethink about this whole situation. Was this how we wanted to spend our lives?
Disagreeing about so many things that at the time seemed small and insignificant but along the course of the next few years would evolve? Were we right for each other? Was love everything? I wanted understanding, appreciation, consideration; and he did too; but we just couldn't find that, it was too hard. I've never wanted to be in a relationship were I felt like I was forced to be with that person, I wanted to feel like it didn't require any energy or any thinking; I wanted it to be easy, and I know F - specially F wanted to feel that way as well. A year later, at February, we ended the relationship. I can't start to explain how painful it was for me, having all the plans I had, all the thoughts we've built for our future together come tumbling down before me. The pain was excruciating; and the reason why we broke up was very ridiculous! I was a very jealous person, I couldn't stand knowing that he had ''girl" friends who flirted with him; and even though he felt it was completely normal, it made my blood boil.
I developed very bad habits after the break up, I started smoking, and I took all sorts of pills to stop the pain, to make me forget. I stopped praying five times a day, I stopped associating with people, I built this wall that protected me and isolated me from the world outside, my behavior changed towards everyone, including the most important person in my life; my mother. I'd turn my phone off for days, not wanting to speak to anyone, I started getting very tardy and careless about the university, and eventually I had to tell mom everything. The night after the break up and for the next few days, I'd go to my parents' room finding mom reading and I'd lie down next to her; she'd then turn the lights off and we'd lay down in the dark. Not speaking, she felt that something was bothering me, if she only knew... If she'd only put her hand on my chest and feel the pain. I needed to speak, I needed to let go, and I needed to breathe. It was too much...
I'd sometimes start crying, but she never pushed me into talking, never. I'd stay there, lying down, crying my eyes out and all she'd do is hold me, promising that no matter what the problem was, it'll all be okay eventually, she had faith in God. But did I? I stopped praying, why? Because I lost complete faith, this break up stripped me from everything, happiness, hope, FAITH in God. Sta3'ferellah, it was a very dark place to be in, and knowing that he was feeling better about it, going on with his life pretending that everything was OK killed me slowly. I finally told my mother everything, and she listened to every word without saying anything, not even when I occasionally stopped to catch my breath and tried to stop crying. She felt it. The pain, all of it. I felt so much better after telling her everything, she understood. She understood, just like how a mother should react. And I appreciated her kindness, her warmth, her compassion. It felt so good, knowing that no one else in the world would hear everything I had to say, and not judging me in any way. She was that one person for me.
In time, the wounds would heal, I knew it. I was certain, because she was able to convince me, and even though at times I'd think otherwise, I trusted her. And eventually, I did. It took baby steps, and it wasn't easy at all, I started praying again, and instantly, I felt the comfort and belief started to grow in me. I then started to get in touch with my close friends, and studied harder to improve my G.P.A feeling happy again. Even though he was the first person I thought of as soon as I woke up, and the last person I cried for before sleeping, I was getting stronger. I knew that eventually, I'd stop wanting him, needing him, loving him. A few months later, I got a call from him "checking up on me", and gradually, we started talking, I didn't want to go back to that place. I was getting better, I was healthy and content again, I was stronger! And I promised myself not to let him get to me again, he didn't; I still loved him, but I knew I wasn't IN LOVE with him. Even though there was a fine line between being in love and loving someone, yes, there was a difference, there's always a difference. And that difference kept me sane, it kept me strong and rational. It was going to stay that way, he wanted us to be friends, and I gave that to him; to prove to F as well as myself that I was capable of it, and that I had the power and capacity to handle it; it just needed some effort every day.
He got a job and I was very proud of him, I constantly prayed that he'd get financially and emotionally stable and get ready for marriage and bigger responsibilities; knowing that he'd be a wonderful husband and an even better parent; I just felt it in every fiber in my body. He called me to meet up one day for coffee, but he surprised me with something else; we ended up grocery shopping. That one thing brought back so much memories, specifically the first time he was in the same co-op buying things and asking what he'd buy. We were doing just that, in the SAME co-op. And I was next to him, I wanted to cry, feeling so much love for this person, I needed to touch him, to feel him. But I knew that I couldn't, because we were friends, and the past will always stay in the past. None of us have the power to change that, we were over our relationship, he didn't love me anymore, and I couldn't force anything to happen. I went home an hour later and straight to bed with a smile on my face, but feeling heart trended in the inside because I wouldn't stop having feelings for F. He was still my life, and I wouldn't let him know any of it. But I knew from the bottom of my heart that he knew how I felt.
He just knew, maybe it was because how I acted towards him reflected my emotions and feelings, or maybe it was because he knew me too well. I'd think that the latter assumption is the right one, or maybe both? I don't know. We became good friends, talking and laughing and enjoying our time together, we'd help each other out and made each other feel good when one of us would go through a bad problem. He always turned to me, just like I always turned to him. But we were strictly friends... Until one day we had another argument. He stopped calling every few hours, and I started to panic, I was losing him again. I lost him as a person who I could've spent the rest of my life with, I didn't want to lose him as a good friend as well, but at the end, I did. We just stopped talking, just like I've said that the very top if you'd scroll up. And now, weeks later, I found a missed call from him. HE CALLED.
He doesn't just call, not a while later and expect the conversation to be "normal", you know? He said that he misses me, I felt it too but I was just too scared to say it out loud, I screamed it in the inside, but I said it very casually above the surface, he felt disappointed. It was very awkward, and I didn't know how to react, I was just not myself, and I knew he wasn't either. But the conversation got better, and we were able to talk without the constant "breaks to breathe and absorb" moments, until he said what he said. "I want you to be my girlfriend again." and that was a huge sharp smack on the face... He wants us to give it another shot. To make it work. To start a new page, and see how things go. I didn't know what to say, how to reply. I sat down on my bed, and paused... What was I supposed to say? My first instinct was to agree right away, I still had very strong feelings for F, but was it love? Was it the "I want to be your wife and the mother of your children" feeling?
Did I even have those sorts of emotions in my heart anymore? Not necessarily for him, but just have them in me? I grew up the past year and more promising myself that I'd stay "cool", and cold. I made all these funny emotions escape my heart, are they back? Did Kk bring them back? Or is it F? I didn't know. I didn't want to say anything, at least not just yet. So I said that I'd think about it, and see what happens. If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be, if not, then so be it. But giving this another chance means forgetting about Kk, letting go of him... Was I ready for this step? F is F... The first person I fell in love with, the first person I desired so badly. He's the person who stirred all those emotions in me, he knew me; and now he wanted me again... I just need time now, to think, to act, to absorb everything, I wanted to be rational, to think with my mind, and not just my heart like the naive seventeen year old I was back then. I knew he'd understand. At least I hope he will. Allah Kareem...
Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud - Part Three will be posted tomorrow.
Goodnight
N. Kk
xx
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud. - Part Two: Lunch To An Encounter
We were on our way to my car crossing every body's' cars in the parking lot. It was full, no doubt. That's how it always was at around noon to 3, it's really hard to find a good spot to park your car, the university would be in full capacity. We planned on going to Fridays, Deena and I; but we knew the place would be crowded since it was a Thursday and people got off work and university early. I decided to take my car and she would ride with me since she didn't feel like driving, as I waited for the car to heat, Deena opened the Radio and quickly played the CD after realizing there was nothing worth listening on it. ''Right Round'' was the first song on the list, as Flo Rida sang, I drove out of the parking and out on the road after crossing the gate. Eventually, we decided to go to Fridays regardless of the people occupying the place, we'd be there in 20 minutes, I hoped. We didn't talk much, Deena was looking out the window as I was looking straight ahead focusing on the road while "Disintegrate" was playing in the background, we were both in our own worlds.
I was in my own world... My mind was reminiscing back on the times when I was 18, just a freshman in Gust. My first course started off so well, and I was very motivated to work hard, I decided before entering Gust that I didn't want to meet people and be build close relationships with them, and I definitely didn't want to associate with people who would be wasting my time and getting me sucked into all the drama a school can bring. I was growing up, and I didn't need new problems in my life. I was naive, young, and stupid. Things didn't go according to plan. Now in my third year, I remember so many scenarios where I had to work so hard to solve problems and stay up all nigh studying to keep my G.P.A above a 3.5. Things weren't easy, but the only reason why they weren't easy is because I made them that way, I took the wrong decisions, I was at the wrong places at the wrong times with the wrong crowd. But people learn, and so did I that you can't trust people completely, some had to learn that the hard way and I was definitely one of them.
I didn't mind the privacy and the solitude sometimes, I love it because no one would be around and I'd be able to think straight without any distractions. My mind went to the place where I always run away to relax and just let go, Anjafa - by the beach where I'd just lay down and enjoy the sort breeze; then and only then would I start feeling better, it was the place of my healing processes, I always felt better right after leaving, no matter what my problems where. The sea, the sky, the stars are my places of haven. My haven. I must've been thinking about this all the way to Fridays, I found a decent parking spot a few cars away from the direction of the door; Deena and I both applied some extra make-up before locking the car and making our way to the door of the restaurant. Just like we've predicted; people where on a waiting list and some were standing outside in the cold weather while others were making themselves comfortable at the benches waiting for their reserved tables. ''Please don't tell me we're going to wait so long. I'm starving!" Deena said pleadingly, I felt the same way but knowing that all the restaurants on he Gulf Road would be crowded, we signed our names and waited next to a young couple who were right next to us on the benches with their baby. I guessed that the child was around two or three years old and he was probably one of the most beautiful babies I've seen in my life, wearing a blue shirt and baby jeans that were dark. He wore a striped blue and white scarf and had it wrapped around his little neck protecting him from the cold, he was full of energy since his parents couldn't keep him sitting down on one spot.
The mother finally let go of the baby and put him gently on the floor so he could walk around close by and she would keep an eye on him away from the street. The baby seemed happy, so excited to be out and about and is able to smell the fresh air, looking out on the sea. He made me smile, Deena isn't very fond of babies, so obviously she didn't have the same reaction as I did. That put another smile on my face. She was the sort of person who had a rough surface built of hard stones to cover her vulnerable heart; and even though she never admits it, I know that she's most probably one of the very few people I know in my life who would fight everything but at the end of the day she'd break down from exhaustion and is scared of love. I've known her for a long time, and after a few experiences and sensitive situations, I was able to read what kind of a person she is. Strong, yet delicate. The baby was getting closer to her now, laughing as he approached her, Deena was mumbling a song that I wasn't able to figure out just before she froze in her spot on the bench. ''Move it away from me.'' was all she said and I started laughing hysterically, she didn't refer to the baby as a human being! Mean.
I lifted him up after getting nods of encouragement and permission from both parents. He wasn't heavy at all, definitely not more than three years old I thought. ''What's his name?" I asked the mother, "Jasem" she replied with a proud smile of a happy mother. She seemed content, what a beautiful feeling. A name on that face, he really was adorable. I held him close and could smell the natural scent of babies, I breathed in the smell with all my power, Deena was looking at me like I was undressing myself in public. Weird. I didn't mind, Jasem was just too cute. Our names came up and we had to go in, I waved to Jasem and said goodbye and smiled to the parents before walking in. Picture perfect. A husband, a wife, and a gorgeous child. A lovely family, as we made our way past the tables and chairs, I hoped that I would have this sort of life in the future. Is it a long way from now? I don't know, probably... As soon as we sat in the Non-Smoking Area facing each other, I placed my bag next to me and started scanning the crowded restaurant behind my Ray Bans.
No one familiar, thank Goodness. I breathed out a shallow breath feeling the stress draining out of my body, I needed good food and just a little bit more of fresh air. Deena and I first ordered our usual Strawberry Margaritas, six pieces of jalapeños and cheese nachos before our main dishes. Spending around an hour and a half there, we observed people entering and leaving the restaurant while enjoying our meals and talking about pointless topics about how badly flan looked today and how pretty flana's kitten heals were at Gust today. We'd notice different things - Deena and I - not comment at the time, but end up talking about the same things hours later shocked of how alike our minds function. Kela shemata, makoo fayda, we never learn to shut up. But we both trust each other to act like the rest of the bitches and go around talking to strangers and friends and cosines of strangers about whoever's outfit 37 days ago. We quickly paid our waiter and left Fridays heading to my car, and while crossing the street, I was on the phone not paying any attention to people around me and talking to Rawan, my sister about things she needed from the super market; meaning I had to stop for some grocery shopping before going back home.
Deena was ahead of me, walking so elegantly in her beige 3 inch stilettos; I saw a person approaching her as she was a few feet away from the car. Here we go again... ''Rawan, let me call you in a bit." and hung up quickly while walking to Deena who wasn't paying any attention to anything around her. The man was obviously in his early to mid twenties, with short dark hair and attractive black eyes, his nose was slightly crooked and his jaw line was firm and strongly shaped giving him a ''bad boy look''. His shoulders were broad and his tanned arms (even though it was still winter) showed that he's the type of man who goes to the gym frequently, very athletic features. He was wearing beige shorts and a dark blue shirts with the sleeves neatly rolled up his arms, I didn't need to check the shoes; he was definitely attractive. The man started talking to Deena about the parking spot I've taken. "Law sama7tay i5tee, hathy sayartich?" pointing to my car, "La it's my friend's" Deena answered him just before I joined them. "Hala u5ooy, 3asa ma shar." I asked wondering what on earth I did wrong, I looked at my car and it wasn't parked wrong or blocking anyone else's car; I double checked before going in to Fridays.
What's going on? Who is this guy? He paused, staring at me. ''Oh hala feech." his looks were weird, staring for a few long seconds. I couldn't take it anymore! "Is everything okay?" I asked in a somewhat -5ali9ny mista3yila- tone; he certainly noticed the vibe. I regretted how I asked him that immediately, I'm sure he wasn't just standing and talking to me for no reason, it was obvious he wasn't flirting as well. He didn't seem the type, how would I know? I only met him a minute ago, I don't know what his name is a9lan! Why the fuck am I thinking about his name? I shouldn't care. His next words made me come back to earth. "One of your tires is flat. You shouldn't drive like this, it's pretty dangerous in the Gulf Road. I noticed it as I got out of my car." His black Cayenne was perfectly parked next to mine, I looked at my tire and back to his face in confusion, I didn't understand. Was I driving with a flat tire at the back? No! I would've felt it, I would've drove funny. No. It happened when we were eating inside, someone did this to my baby! Deena grabbed the keys from my hand without any word, unlocked the car and sat on the passenger's seat as I stood outside with this stranger.
"Many fahma, sh9ar? It was fine laman 9ifa6t w dasheit, minu sawa chithy?" I knew it was someone who did that, these things don't happen, damn it! "Mm.. madri walla, ma shift shay ana tawnee wa9il, but I'll tell you what? I've got an extra tire in my trunk, and if you're not in a huge hurry, I could replace it with your flat one, I even have the equipment." He answered me pointing at his trunk with his thumb. "Oh no, mashkoor. Maby ata3bik, at9araf la radeit il beit inshalla" I said as I walked to the door of my side of the car and opened it before walking in. He was still standing there. Ahum. "You can't drive like this! Gitlich it's dangerous." and that's when I noticed his American accent between the Kuwaiti words, Missouri? Seems like it. Mabye he grew up there, the accent was very strong. "I said it's okay, wat9araf la radeit il beit. And thank you." I said the last three words cheny ba6ega for getting too close to me, he was wearing cologne; and it smelled good. 7ada moo wagta Danah! After a few more minutes of convincing me, and -yes- looks from Deena, I finally gave in and observed this man as he replaced the tires silently. He seems like he knew what he was doing, I was glad I'd go home driving safely; because of this man, what a gentleman I thought as he went on doing his thing.
His muscles were clearly visible through his shirts as I looked at his back, it fitted him perfectly, Deena kept looking at me from inside the car smiling mischievously as I looked back at her questionably and giving her -Shut up, ee 5air- sharp glances. He eventually did everything and put the flat tire and equipment back in his trunk. He dusted off the dirt on both of his hands and shorts and faced me with a smile, what a smile, I hope he didn't notice how much I stared at him while he was removing my flat tire! He knew... It showed from that smile, he knew. Shit, fuck, damn it. Should I thank him and leave? Should I forget that this ever happen? Should I give him the sanitizer in my bag? Urgh... It really bothered me knowing he got his hands dirty for me. "And that's done, now you can go waana mirta7." he said. Wuhwa mirta7? Okay... Awkward! But nice! I smiled back, "Thank you, walla ma ga9art, I'm glad you helped us out." "Il 3afoo, walaw, a girl like you shouldn't be driving around with a flat tire around here." he replied.
I could feel the heat on my cheeks. Was I blushing? Shit! I kept telling myself to just walk away, get in the car, and drive away; but something drew me to him and I didn't know what it was. It was getting late. I HAD TO LEAVE. We just stood there facing each other and not saying a single word, surprisingly, the silence wasn't at all weird nor uncomfortable. I had this great urge to ask for his name, shakoo?! Intay minu 3ashan tis2ileen hal insaan 3an isma? Just because he replaced your flat tire doesn't give you the right to ask him that! "I didn't catch your name." I asked before thinking about it any longer, shit. I did not just say that. Yes, I have. His smile grew bigger, dimples. He had dimples on his cheeks! Kill me now! "Khaled, and yours?" He asked, "Wini3im, I'm Danah." I answered. "3ashat lasami Danah" Khaled said just as I shook his hand... Deena was still smiling. Khaled was smiling at me, I was smiling at the deteriorated concrete street. We were all smiling...
P.S Just incase anyone's still lost, this story is complete fiction. All the charecters and scenerios in it are made up, nothing is true. Just real life drama here and there.
N. Kk
xx
I was in my own world... My mind was reminiscing back on the times when I was 18, just a freshman in Gust. My first course started off so well, and I was very motivated to work hard, I decided before entering Gust that I didn't want to meet people and be build close relationships with them, and I definitely didn't want to associate with people who would be wasting my time and getting me sucked into all the drama a school can bring. I was growing up, and I didn't need new problems in my life. I was naive, young, and stupid. Things didn't go according to plan. Now in my third year, I remember so many scenarios where I had to work so hard to solve problems and stay up all nigh studying to keep my G.P.A above a 3.5. Things weren't easy, but the only reason why they weren't easy is because I made them that way, I took the wrong decisions, I was at the wrong places at the wrong times with the wrong crowd. But people learn, and so did I that you can't trust people completely, some had to learn that the hard way and I was definitely one of them.
I didn't mind the privacy and the solitude sometimes, I love it because no one would be around and I'd be able to think straight without any distractions. My mind went to the place where I always run away to relax and just let go, Anjafa - by the beach where I'd just lay down and enjoy the sort breeze; then and only then would I start feeling better, it was the place of my healing processes, I always felt better right after leaving, no matter what my problems where. The sea, the sky, the stars are my places of haven. My haven. I must've been thinking about this all the way to Fridays, I found a decent parking spot a few cars away from the direction of the door; Deena and I both applied some extra make-up before locking the car and making our way to the door of the restaurant. Just like we've predicted; people where on a waiting list and some were standing outside in the cold weather while others were making themselves comfortable at the benches waiting for their reserved tables. ''Please don't tell me we're going to wait so long. I'm starving!" Deena said pleadingly, I felt the same way but knowing that all the restaurants on he Gulf Road would be crowded, we signed our names and waited next to a young couple who were right next to us on the benches with their baby. I guessed that the child was around two or three years old and he was probably one of the most beautiful babies I've seen in my life, wearing a blue shirt and baby jeans that were dark. He wore a striped blue and white scarf and had it wrapped around his little neck protecting him from the cold, he was full of energy since his parents couldn't keep him sitting down on one spot.
The mother finally let go of the baby and put him gently on the floor so he could walk around close by and she would keep an eye on him away from the street. The baby seemed happy, so excited to be out and about and is able to smell the fresh air, looking out on the sea. He made me smile, Deena isn't very fond of babies, so obviously she didn't have the same reaction as I did. That put another smile on my face. She was the sort of person who had a rough surface built of hard stones to cover her vulnerable heart; and even though she never admits it, I know that she's most probably one of the very few people I know in my life who would fight everything but at the end of the day she'd break down from exhaustion and is scared of love. I've known her for a long time, and after a few experiences and sensitive situations, I was able to read what kind of a person she is. Strong, yet delicate. The baby was getting closer to her now, laughing as he approached her, Deena was mumbling a song that I wasn't able to figure out just before she froze in her spot on the bench. ''Move it away from me.'' was all she said and I started laughing hysterically, she didn't refer to the baby as a human being! Mean.
I lifted him up after getting nods of encouragement and permission from both parents. He wasn't heavy at all, definitely not more than three years old I thought. ''What's his name?" I asked the mother, "Jasem" she replied with a proud smile of a happy mother. She seemed content, what a beautiful feeling. A name on that face, he really was adorable. I held him close and could smell the natural scent of babies, I breathed in the smell with all my power, Deena was looking at me like I was undressing myself in public. Weird. I didn't mind, Jasem was just too cute. Our names came up and we had to go in, I waved to Jasem and said goodbye and smiled to the parents before walking in. Picture perfect. A husband, a wife, and a gorgeous child. A lovely family, as we made our way past the tables and chairs, I hoped that I would have this sort of life in the future. Is it a long way from now? I don't know, probably... As soon as we sat in the Non-Smoking Area facing each other, I placed my bag next to me and started scanning the crowded restaurant behind my Ray Bans.
No one familiar, thank Goodness. I breathed out a shallow breath feeling the stress draining out of my body, I needed good food and just a little bit more of fresh air. Deena and I first ordered our usual Strawberry Margaritas, six pieces of jalapeños and cheese nachos before our main dishes. Spending around an hour and a half there, we observed people entering and leaving the restaurant while enjoying our meals and talking about pointless topics about how badly flan looked today and how pretty flana's kitten heals were at Gust today. We'd notice different things - Deena and I - not comment at the time, but end up talking about the same things hours later shocked of how alike our minds function. Kela shemata, makoo fayda, we never learn to shut up. But we both trust each other to act like the rest of the bitches and go around talking to strangers and friends and cosines of strangers about whoever's outfit 37 days ago. We quickly paid our waiter and left Fridays heading to my car, and while crossing the street, I was on the phone not paying any attention to people around me and talking to Rawan, my sister about things she needed from the super market; meaning I had to stop for some grocery shopping before going back home.
Deena was ahead of me, walking so elegantly in her beige 3 inch stilettos; I saw a person approaching her as she was a few feet away from the car. Here we go again... ''Rawan, let me call you in a bit." and hung up quickly while walking to Deena who wasn't paying any attention to anything around her. The man was obviously in his early to mid twenties, with short dark hair and attractive black eyes, his nose was slightly crooked and his jaw line was firm and strongly shaped giving him a ''bad boy look''. His shoulders were broad and his tanned arms (even though it was still winter) showed that he's the type of man who goes to the gym frequently, very athletic features. He was wearing beige shorts and a dark blue shirts with the sleeves neatly rolled up his arms, I didn't need to check the shoes; he was definitely attractive. The man started talking to Deena about the parking spot I've taken. "Law sama7tay i5tee, hathy sayartich?" pointing to my car, "La it's my friend's" Deena answered him just before I joined them. "Hala u5ooy, 3asa ma shar." I asked wondering what on earth I did wrong, I looked at my car and it wasn't parked wrong or blocking anyone else's car; I double checked before going in to Fridays.
What's going on? Who is this guy? He paused, staring at me. ''Oh hala feech." his looks were weird, staring for a few long seconds. I couldn't take it anymore! "Is everything okay?" I asked in a somewhat -5ali9ny mista3yila- tone; he certainly noticed the vibe. I regretted how I asked him that immediately, I'm sure he wasn't just standing and talking to me for no reason, it was obvious he wasn't flirting as well. He didn't seem the type, how would I know? I only met him a minute ago, I don't know what his name is a9lan! Why the fuck am I thinking about his name? I shouldn't care. His next words made me come back to earth. "One of your tires is flat. You shouldn't drive like this, it's pretty dangerous in the Gulf Road. I noticed it as I got out of my car." His black Cayenne was perfectly parked next to mine, I looked at my tire and back to his face in confusion, I didn't understand. Was I driving with a flat tire at the back? No! I would've felt it, I would've drove funny. No. It happened when we were eating inside, someone did this to my baby! Deena grabbed the keys from my hand without any word, unlocked the car and sat on the passenger's seat as I stood outside with this stranger.
"Many fahma, sh9ar? It was fine laman 9ifa6t w dasheit, minu sawa chithy?" I knew it was someone who did that, these things don't happen, damn it! "Mm.. madri walla, ma shift shay ana tawnee wa9il, but I'll tell you what? I've got an extra tire in my trunk, and if you're not in a huge hurry, I could replace it with your flat one, I even have the equipment." He answered me pointing at his trunk with his thumb. "Oh no, mashkoor. Maby ata3bik, at9araf la radeit il beit inshalla" I said as I walked to the door of my side of the car and opened it before walking in. He was still standing there. Ahum. "You can't drive like this! Gitlich it's dangerous." and that's when I noticed his American accent between the Kuwaiti words, Missouri? Seems like it. Mabye he grew up there, the accent was very strong. "I said it's okay, wat9araf la radeit il beit. And thank you." I said the last three words cheny ba6ega for getting too close to me, he was wearing cologne; and it smelled good. 7ada moo wagta Danah! After a few more minutes of convincing me, and -yes- looks from Deena, I finally gave in and observed this man as he replaced the tires silently. He seems like he knew what he was doing, I was glad I'd go home driving safely; because of this man, what a gentleman I thought as he went on doing his thing.
His muscles were clearly visible through his shirts as I looked at his back, it fitted him perfectly, Deena kept looking at me from inside the car smiling mischievously as I looked back at her questionably and giving her -Shut up, ee 5air- sharp glances. He eventually did everything and put the flat tire and equipment back in his trunk. He dusted off the dirt on both of his hands and shorts and faced me with a smile, what a smile, I hope he didn't notice how much I stared at him while he was removing my flat tire! He knew... It showed from that smile, he knew. Shit, fuck, damn it. Should I thank him and leave? Should I forget that this ever happen? Should I give him the sanitizer in my bag? Urgh... It really bothered me knowing he got his hands dirty for me. "And that's done, now you can go waana mirta7." he said. Wuhwa mirta7? Okay... Awkward! But nice! I smiled back, "Thank you, walla ma ga9art, I'm glad you helped us out." "Il 3afoo, walaw, a girl like you shouldn't be driving around with a flat tire around here." he replied.
I could feel the heat on my cheeks. Was I blushing? Shit! I kept telling myself to just walk away, get in the car, and drive away; but something drew me to him and I didn't know what it was. It was getting late. I HAD TO LEAVE. We just stood there facing each other and not saying a single word, surprisingly, the silence wasn't at all weird nor uncomfortable. I had this great urge to ask for his name, shakoo?! Intay minu 3ashan tis2ileen hal insaan 3an isma? Just because he replaced your flat tire doesn't give you the right to ask him that! "I didn't catch your name." I asked before thinking about it any longer, shit. I did not just say that. Yes, I have. His smile grew bigger, dimples. He had dimples on his cheeks! Kill me now! "Khaled, and yours?" He asked, "Wini3im, I'm Danah." I answered. "3ashat lasami Danah" Khaled said just as I shook his hand... Deena was still smiling. Khaled was smiling at me, I was smiling at the deteriorated concrete street. We were all smiling...
P.S Just incase anyone's still lost, this story is complete fiction. All the charecters and scenerios in it are made up, nothing is true. Just real life drama here and there.
N. Kk
xx
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud. - Part One; What I Am
I woke up this morning at around 6 am. As soon as I opened my eyes and got myself out of bed, I pulled away the curtains of the windows, complete darkness to so much beautiful day light. I went to the bathroom and applied my daily UV moisturiser right after washing up, and when I got out just before getting dressed, I opened the windows and let in the fresh air. I had the sunlight and weather against my face, I could feel my pores slowly opening and soaking in the sun. Today, the temperature is lower, more than yesterday. I wish everyday was like this, I let the cold air in me, cleansing every fibre in my body, I loved the soft wind, always have. After spending two minutes staring out in to the sky, the noise out on the streets started; parents and drivers dropping their children off to school, then heading to work or back home, college students on their way to their universities, a few trucks here and there. It was a new day.
I always promise myself to wake up the next morning with a positive attitude, to think of what I had planned for the day and welcome whatever came along, good and bad. But it's been difficult lately, holding that smile during the day and pretending like you're not grieving in the inside is just... Hard. It's one of those phases where you feel like no matter how hard you try or whatever way you seek, the problems just won't stop following you. You solve one problem, and end up opening the doors of other ones. Things are not looking up, fuck this positive attitude. I had to get dressed or else I'd be late for my 8 AM class. I wore my favorite pair of skinny jeans and a white vintage top with embroidered patterns on it that I've got last night while shopping with Deena, my good friend just before I started applying my morning make-up.
One thing I just can't seem to understand about make-up is how girls usually set their alarms a few hours before class to apply a shit load of that stuff, it's called university for a reason. Education should be your purpose, not finding a husband, but if you get lucky with the latter point, then what the hell? Go for it if you think he's the one. I added some blush and mascara, applied my lip balm and rushed downstairs right after wearing my grey uggs. Coffee, that's what I needed at the moment, it was too early in the morning to deal with anyone or anything, I should get my Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha before heading to the university, it was 7.15 and I said a little prayer hoping that the traffic wouldn't be so bad. I couldn't be late, especially for that class, my professor closes the attendance system at 8.05 AM exactly. I parked my car right in front of Starbucks and quickly made my way to the counter to order.
''Good morning ma'am'' the employee said with an enthusiastic and welcoming tone that put a smile on my face. ''Good morning, Jeff. How's work been treating you these days?'' I asked, ''Oh just fine, thank you. I haven't seen you here for a while, you know my shifts never change, found a new Starbucks branch you love?'' He asked me, he was teasing and had a mischievous smile that illuminated his face. I liked our usual small conversations, Jeff has been working there for a few months now and he'd always be there every time I went to order. I've become a regular costumer, employees are really good with faces, and that definitely included Jeffery. After saying our goodbyes and me promising that I'd show up more often, I drove away to Mishref. Damn, the Fahaheel was jammed, I knew I'd get myself in this. It was 7.35 now and I was still far away from the university. Think, Danah, think.
I switched on my phone, since I turned it off last night before going to bed, I've developed this bad habit lately where I'd turn it off and ignore every one's calls from 9 PM. It was my time, time for me to relax, and I didn't need anyone taking that away from me. I dialed Deena's number and waited for her to pick up, we both took this Arabic/English Translation class so we'd usually show up at the same time right before class. ''Hala walla! Hala bil 7ub! Hala bizein! Shinu hatha? Danah ma 3'airha daga 3alay?''. Not even a hello, yo, what's jamming. Sarcasm right away, that was Deena, ''Good morning to you too, where you at? I'm still stuck in traffic.'' I replied, ''Oh shit, no way. I'm just about to park my car at North, dude you're gonna be late for our class, you know how the professor hates tardiness.'' She said the last word using a different tone emphasizing how much she hated it when the professor lectures some of the students about being late for class.
''I know...'' Pause. ''I'll be there in a bit, hopefully the traffic will miraculously disappear and I'll be there on time. But do me a favor? Just in case I was late, tell the bitch that I'm stuck in Fahaheel, and that I might be ten minutes late.'' ''Okay, will do. Drive safely, call me as soon as you're here.'' ''You're in class, you dildo. Why would I call?'' ''Shut up and just call me, 9adgeeny mani dasha broo7y!'' ''Inshalla, yalla shway wou9al'' I said just before discussing our lunch plans, where we were going and then I hung up from Deena. After maneuvering between different lanes and passing by cars, and finally driving in the Safe Lane, I was able to get myself out of the traffic and rushed to Mishref. Thank God, I was still five minutes early so I carefully found a parking close to the North door. There was an empty spot right next to Deena's car, and when I started hearing my parking reverse sensor beeping, I stopped the car, grabbed my books and bag, locked the car and made my way to the door.
As soon as I walked in, I looked up at the digital clock ahead of me and saw that I had two minutes left. Deena was walking towards me after leaving the ladies room and I hugged her a good morning, she was wearing her black skinnys with a beige shirt that was obviously not warm for this sort of weather, I always told he off about her wardrobe in the wrong times but I decided to shut up about it since we were getting late for class. We exchanged the ''How are yous?'' as we walked to N2 on the second floor, just as the girls were walking in class, we spotted Ms. H standing and watching eyes closely from far away. ''Eyes of a fucking eagle, those ones. Whys she staring? It's like we ate her babies!'' Deena said in a whisper that was barely heard, even for me. I giggled as I smiled to the Ms. H. knowing that hell would break loose before she'd smile back, all the students who was ever taught by her knows she won't even smirk. It's something everyone got used to, she was strict, demeaning, and yells and all, but Ms. H was also very fair; I've always respected that in a professor.
And my first day of the week starts... With traffic, class at 8 AM with Ms. H and forgetting to add sugar too my coffee, perfect. At least Deena was here with me and I couldn't wait for all my classes to be over so we'd go and have our lunch.
N. Kk
xx
I always promise myself to wake up the next morning with a positive attitude, to think of what I had planned for the day and welcome whatever came along, good and bad. But it's been difficult lately, holding that smile during the day and pretending like you're not grieving in the inside is just... Hard. It's one of those phases where you feel like no matter how hard you try or whatever way you seek, the problems just won't stop following you. You solve one problem, and end up opening the doors of other ones. Things are not looking up, fuck this positive attitude. I had to get dressed or else I'd be late for my 8 AM class. I wore my favorite pair of skinny jeans and a white vintage top with embroidered patterns on it that I've got last night while shopping with Deena, my good friend just before I started applying my morning make-up.
One thing I just can't seem to understand about make-up is how girls usually set their alarms a few hours before class to apply a shit load of that stuff, it's called university for a reason. Education should be your purpose, not finding a husband, but if you get lucky with the latter point, then what the hell? Go for it if you think he's the one. I added some blush and mascara, applied my lip balm and rushed downstairs right after wearing my grey uggs. Coffee, that's what I needed at the moment, it was too early in the morning to deal with anyone or anything, I should get my Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha before heading to the university, it was 7.15 and I said a little prayer hoping that the traffic wouldn't be so bad. I couldn't be late, especially for that class, my professor closes the attendance system at 8.05 AM exactly. I parked my car right in front of Starbucks and quickly made my way to the counter to order.
''Good morning ma'am'' the employee said with an enthusiastic and welcoming tone that put a smile on my face. ''Good morning, Jeff. How's work been treating you these days?'' I asked, ''Oh just fine, thank you. I haven't seen you here for a while, you know my shifts never change, found a new Starbucks branch you love?'' He asked me, he was teasing and had a mischievous smile that illuminated his face. I liked our usual small conversations, Jeff has been working there for a few months now and he'd always be there every time I went to order. I've become a regular costumer, employees are really good with faces, and that definitely included Jeffery. After saying our goodbyes and me promising that I'd show up more often, I drove away to Mishref. Damn, the Fahaheel was jammed, I knew I'd get myself in this. It was 7.35 now and I was still far away from the university. Think, Danah, think.
I switched on my phone, since I turned it off last night before going to bed, I've developed this bad habit lately where I'd turn it off and ignore every one's calls from 9 PM. It was my time, time for me to relax, and I didn't need anyone taking that away from me. I dialed Deena's number and waited for her to pick up, we both took this Arabic/English Translation class so we'd usually show up at the same time right before class. ''Hala walla! Hala bil 7ub! Hala bizein! Shinu hatha? Danah ma 3'airha daga 3alay?''. Not even a hello, yo, what's jamming. Sarcasm right away, that was Deena, ''Good morning to you too, where you at? I'm still stuck in traffic.'' I replied, ''Oh shit, no way. I'm just about to park my car at North, dude you're gonna be late for our class, you know how the professor hates tardiness.'' She said the last word using a different tone emphasizing how much she hated it when the professor lectures some of the students about being late for class.
''I know...'' Pause. ''I'll be there in a bit, hopefully the traffic will miraculously disappear and I'll be there on time. But do me a favor? Just in case I was late, tell the bitch that I'm stuck in Fahaheel, and that I might be ten minutes late.'' ''Okay, will do. Drive safely, call me as soon as you're here.'' ''You're in class, you dildo. Why would I call?'' ''Shut up and just call me, 9adgeeny mani dasha broo7y!'' ''Inshalla, yalla shway wou9al'' I said just before discussing our lunch plans, where we were going and then I hung up from Deena. After maneuvering between different lanes and passing by cars, and finally driving in the Safe Lane, I was able to get myself out of the traffic and rushed to Mishref. Thank God, I was still five minutes early so I carefully found a parking close to the North door. There was an empty spot right next to Deena's car, and when I started hearing my parking reverse sensor beeping, I stopped the car, grabbed my books and bag, locked the car and made my way to the door.
As soon as I walked in, I looked up at the digital clock ahead of me and saw that I had two minutes left. Deena was walking towards me after leaving the ladies room and I hugged her a good morning, she was wearing her black skinnys with a beige shirt that was obviously not warm for this sort of weather, I always told he off about her wardrobe in the wrong times but I decided to shut up about it since we were getting late for class. We exchanged the ''How are yous?'' as we walked to N2 on the second floor, just as the girls were walking in class, we spotted Ms. H standing and watching eyes closely from far away. ''Eyes of a fucking eagle, those ones. Whys she staring? It's like we ate her babies!'' Deena said in a whisper that was barely heard, even for me. I giggled as I smiled to the Ms. H. knowing that hell would break loose before she'd smile back, all the students who was ever taught by her knows she won't even smirk. It's something everyone got used to, she was strict, demeaning, and yells and all, but Ms. H was also very fair; I've always respected that in a professor.
And my first day of the week starts... With traffic, class at 8 AM with Ms. H and forgetting to add sugar too my coffee, perfect. At least Deena was here with me and I couldn't wait for all my classes to be over so we'd go and have our lunch.
N. Kk
xx
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
How It All Started - Part V
You Keep Your Pride & Get Nothing, Or You Take A Risk & Get Everything...
NEVER FOLLOW THIS MOTTO! I had to learn that the hard way.
The only way you can feel what I'm going through exactly is by actually having yourself going through these situations, I know I have people who stand by me, people whom I take advice from and I really do appreciate it, but no. It's very challenging, going through this alone, I mean. It's like, I talk about it to a really good friend of mine, someone I know I could trust with this sort of information. But she/he won't fully understand, all she/he could do is show some support, and give me advices, which sound very neutral and vague during their moments but how could I blame her/him? For me, Ms. Q knows so much detail about this dilemma, about him and what we do, about my feelings, and about his messages. But I try to limit myself from just saying and blaberring everything; after all, there should be some privacy, I'm sure he'd want it that way as well. But him, he talks to his good friend s.H, who knows basically everything, and even though I know he's an amazing friend -whom I respect tremendously- I despise the looks he gives me every now and then, the ''I know it's hard what he's doing to you, I feel so bad'' looks, pity. He feels sorry for me, no.
Moo ma38oola wi9alt lei hal mar7ala, where I had someone feeling sorry for me, I hated it. I don't feel comfortable with showing my weakness, I like to put up a fight and prove that I'm a strong person, I like people knowing that I could pretty much go through a war and end up walking out of it alive. That's the face people see, and that's the face I want to put on forever damn it! Not the ''feel sorry for me'' face. No. Never. You know, writing this part, I feel disgusted with myself, this issue started months ago! It's supposed to be over by now, I'm supposed to move on, and he's supposed to stop looking at me, why is he making things so much harder? I just want to let go... We stopped talking, you saw it coming, didn't you? For this to happen again, us talking then realising that what we're doing is wrong, then stopping.
It's like a circle, you end up at the same point, then when you reach the point where you've started, you go on and on; you do it over again. But this time, we've stopped for good, and every time we stopped talking, we both knew it won't be the last time, we both knew that he'd text or call or do something, and the cycle would start again, but this time it didn't. It's been more than three weeks, almost a month, and nothing. Wow. Is this, whatever it is, really over? Does ''this'' even have a name? If anyone outside the picture looked at what's going on, they'd think that what Kk was doing is cheating on his girlfriend, and sometimes we both know that too. But we're not together, we don't go out on dates, we don't kiss and talk all night; it's just different, complicated. I don't know how to explain it, I could go on and on writing about him, about whatever's going on or whatever's happened in the past, but you won't fully comprehend what I'm trying to interpret to you. Again, it's just complicated.
I don't know if we'll ever talk again, frankly, I don't think we will. I really do believe he loves her, and maybe by having this ''experience'' with me, it only proved to him that SHE'S the one for him, and that we're not right for each other at all, maybe he saw things in her that he knew he won't find in me, and maybe she just loves him so much, who am I to ruin that for her? For the both of them? Some girl he had a ''thing'' for? Someone he turned to whenever he was feeling down? He has friends, plenty. He could talk to anyone of them if he's having problems, his family too. I don't wanna be a part of that mess, he's just too confused, and he's confusing me with him. Leish? Shalla 7aadni? No, I deserve more. But he's the one I want, the one I think about everyday, the one I see my future with. I promise you, this is nothing gay or corny or whatever, it really is how I'm feeling. And it's so personal that I shouldn't even be posting this, but I know that he knows how I feel, even though I never showed him what's inside of me.
Until that night...
The last night we talked, and again, it was just through messages, good. We were talking about this movie he was watching, ''Taken'' who stars Liam Neeson, (a must-watch-movie) and he'd text me whenever a really good part happens and he just had to comment about it! I'd reply enthusiastically showing that I knew how good the movie was, it really was, I was glad he liked it too. While he was watching his movie, I was reading one of my novels, until we were both done, then we just started talking about random things. We were both laid back and relaxed, after having a really long day at school, the whole weekend was ahead of us. Blehh... I wanted to see him at Gust. I just wanted to see him, but of course I didn't mention any of that. Then ''our'' topic came up, I don't remember how it started really, but it did; and it just went downhill from there.
We both got angry and hurt, saying unnecessary things, knowing we'd regret them later, but this is getting way out of hand! There should be some fucking control! And if he won't lead the way and make this, whatever it is, stop FOR GOOD, then I will. I just keep thinking of her! No one else, but I didn't wanna lose him. I was just so sick of all of this... So I knew how to end it, all of it. I'd tell him how I felt and he'd do the rest, he'd have to make a decision, so I did. Ya reitny ma t7acheit, but I can't take back any of it now. I wrote a really long message, asking him to really think about this situation and how to solve it, I also talked about how I felt towards him, and how he completed me in every way. I didn't say that I loved him, I just couldn't. He replied by saying a few things, I don't even wanna remember how it went down, but basically he was tired of relationships, of all the stress at work and Gust.
And I didn't reply to that, I didn't wanna ''show my support and be there for him'' because that's all I've been doing, enough is enough. He's a man. Then it was all over, we stopped talking about it, we stopped talking for good. It was all over, and I could breathe again, knowing that I'm completely free, and that I wouldn't have to think about him anymore... And until today, we never said anything to one another, I barely looked at him. And it was obvious he was avoiding me as well, I didn't give two shits. 5ala9. Ti3abt... I don't want him to ever know that I fell for him, I lost interest in everyone else, I didn't have the capacity nor the will to meet someone else, I wanted him. And now that I know I can't have him, and know that he'd be spending the rest of his life with her, I could only pray that he'd be happy, and make her happy as well. Abeeh bas yathkirny bil 5air, whether he saw me as a friend or not, I just want that.
It feels like fire stones are being burnt against my skin when he passes by, I wish we could just smile and make it all ''OK'' but we both know it won't be that easy. It never will. I just can't wait to leave Gust, ma bega shay, then I could start over; not just being away from him, but all the drama and problems that come from that one campus and the people in it. It gets overwhelming sometimes, and you just want to leave and forget. I will leave and forget, just as soon as I graduate. He'll be a part of my past, he'll be a part of my ''University years'' and nothing more. I've made peace with that. I'm a free soul...
This is the end of Kk.
Goodnight
N. Kk
xx
NEVER FOLLOW THIS MOTTO! I had to learn that the hard way.
The only way you can feel what I'm going through exactly is by actually having yourself going through these situations, I know I have people who stand by me, people whom I take advice from and I really do appreciate it, but no. It's very challenging, going through this alone, I mean. It's like, I talk about it to a really good friend of mine, someone I know I could trust with this sort of information. But she/he won't fully understand, all she/he could do is show some support, and give me advices, which sound very neutral and vague during their moments but how could I blame her/him? For me, Ms. Q knows so much detail about this dilemma, about him and what we do, about my feelings, and about his messages. But I try to limit myself from just saying and blaberring everything; after all, there should be some privacy, I'm sure he'd want it that way as well. But him, he talks to his good friend s.H, who knows basically everything, and even though I know he's an amazing friend -whom I respect tremendously- I despise the looks he gives me every now and then, the ''I know it's hard what he's doing to you, I feel so bad'' looks, pity. He feels sorry for me, no.
Moo ma38oola wi9alt lei hal mar7ala, where I had someone feeling sorry for me, I hated it. I don't feel comfortable with showing my weakness, I like to put up a fight and prove that I'm a strong person, I like people knowing that I could pretty much go through a war and end up walking out of it alive. That's the face people see, and that's the face I want to put on forever damn it! Not the ''feel sorry for me'' face. No. Never. You know, writing this part, I feel disgusted with myself, this issue started months ago! It's supposed to be over by now, I'm supposed to move on, and he's supposed to stop looking at me, why is he making things so much harder? I just want to let go... We stopped talking, you saw it coming, didn't you? For this to happen again, us talking then realising that what we're doing is wrong, then stopping.
It's like a circle, you end up at the same point, then when you reach the point where you've started, you go on and on; you do it over again. But this time, we've stopped for good, and every time we stopped talking, we both knew it won't be the last time, we both knew that he'd text or call or do something, and the cycle would start again, but this time it didn't. It's been more than three weeks, almost a month, and nothing. Wow. Is this, whatever it is, really over? Does ''this'' even have a name? If anyone outside the picture looked at what's going on, they'd think that what Kk was doing is cheating on his girlfriend, and sometimes we both know that too. But we're not together, we don't go out on dates, we don't kiss and talk all night; it's just different, complicated. I don't know how to explain it, I could go on and on writing about him, about whatever's going on or whatever's happened in the past, but you won't fully comprehend what I'm trying to interpret to you. Again, it's just complicated.
I don't know if we'll ever talk again, frankly, I don't think we will. I really do believe he loves her, and maybe by having this ''experience'' with me, it only proved to him that SHE'S the one for him, and that we're not right for each other at all, maybe he saw things in her that he knew he won't find in me, and maybe she just loves him so much, who am I to ruin that for her? For the both of them? Some girl he had a ''thing'' for? Someone he turned to whenever he was feeling down? He has friends, plenty. He could talk to anyone of them if he's having problems, his family too. I don't wanna be a part of that mess, he's just too confused, and he's confusing me with him. Leish? Shalla 7aadni? No, I deserve more. But he's the one I want, the one I think about everyday, the one I see my future with. I promise you, this is nothing gay or corny or whatever, it really is how I'm feeling. And it's so personal that I shouldn't even be posting this, but I know that he knows how I feel, even though I never showed him what's inside of me.
Until that night...
The last night we talked, and again, it was just through messages, good. We were talking about this movie he was watching, ''Taken'' who stars Liam Neeson, (a must-watch-movie) and he'd text me whenever a really good part happens and he just had to comment about it! I'd reply enthusiastically showing that I knew how good the movie was, it really was, I was glad he liked it too. While he was watching his movie, I was reading one of my novels, until we were both done, then we just started talking about random things. We were both laid back and relaxed, after having a really long day at school, the whole weekend was ahead of us. Blehh... I wanted to see him at Gust. I just wanted to see him, but of course I didn't mention any of that. Then ''our'' topic came up, I don't remember how it started really, but it did; and it just went downhill from there.
We both got angry and hurt, saying unnecessary things, knowing we'd regret them later, but this is getting way out of hand! There should be some fucking control! And if he won't lead the way and make this, whatever it is, stop FOR GOOD, then I will. I just keep thinking of her! No one else, but I didn't wanna lose him. I was just so sick of all of this... So I knew how to end it, all of it. I'd tell him how I felt and he'd do the rest, he'd have to make a decision, so I did. Ya reitny ma t7acheit, but I can't take back any of it now. I wrote a really long message, asking him to really think about this situation and how to solve it, I also talked about how I felt towards him, and how he completed me in every way. I didn't say that I loved him, I just couldn't. He replied by saying a few things, I don't even wanna remember how it went down, but basically he was tired of relationships, of all the stress at work and Gust.
And I didn't reply to that, I didn't wanna ''show my support and be there for him'' because that's all I've been doing, enough is enough. He's a man. Then it was all over, we stopped talking about it, we stopped talking for good. It was all over, and I could breathe again, knowing that I'm completely free, and that I wouldn't have to think about him anymore... And until today, we never said anything to one another, I barely looked at him. And it was obvious he was avoiding me as well, I didn't give two shits. 5ala9. Ti3abt... I don't want him to ever know that I fell for him, I lost interest in everyone else, I didn't have the capacity nor the will to meet someone else, I wanted him. And now that I know I can't have him, and know that he'd be spending the rest of his life with her, I could only pray that he'd be happy, and make her happy as well. Abeeh bas yathkirny bil 5air, whether he saw me as a friend or not, I just want that.
It feels like fire stones are being burnt against my skin when he passes by, I wish we could just smile and make it all ''OK'' but we both know it won't be that easy. It never will. I just can't wait to leave Gust, ma bega shay, then I could start over; not just being away from him, but all the drama and problems that come from that one campus and the people in it. It gets overwhelming sometimes, and you just want to leave and forget. I will leave and forget, just as soon as I graduate. He'll be a part of my past, he'll be a part of my ''University years'' and nothing more. I've made peace with that. I'm a free soul...
This is the end of Kk.
Goodnight
N. Kk
xx
Monday, March 16, 2009
How It All Started - Part IV
Another Monday morning, usually I meet up with Aj an hour before my 8 AM class to have coffee and grab a quick bite at Gust. We'd go in through the West Wing door, and say our Good mornings to the only people there - the security guards and the cleaning ladies. They'd welcome us with warm and welcome smiles, our day just started, we'd know it would be long since our last class ends at 5. Every time we go to Gust this early, I'd remember one specific thing, him. Him. Kk. They got back together, apparently she tried talking to him, and since he was still crazy and in love with her, they made it work again. I was happy for him, because that old smile came back, it was amazing, and you could see how his attitude and behavior changed back to the way they were.
He was happy again. Period, it didn't matter how I felt about it, it didn't matter that maybe, just maybe, in time, things could have worked between us. I admit, I did have that little glimmer of hope in me, hope that I saw whenever we talked and whenever he smiled, but the smile... It wasn't the same, and I knew it all along. I guess I was just in denial, thinking that he'd get over it soon, and things would be okay. That was very selfish of me. I'm not like that, I care about peoples' feelings, I care about the fact that he got his heart broken quite a few times by this girl, but I have to also respect the fact that he still loves her. And she still loves him. They belonged together, and in a picture, only two people should fit; so what did I do after he told me? I wished him the best of luck, that I'd pray for their relationship to work and walked away.
He knew me, he knew that that wasn't the end of the story, MY heart was broken this time, it was MY heart, and no one broke it but me. Because I've always hoped that maybe something might happen. I could see him in my future, I could imagine him being a part of my life later on. Obviously it was just the dreams of a foolish girl who didn't know better. I just wanted to spot and crawl to the first corner, wrap my arms around my legs, and just die... Again, emo. I know. Shut up, it's just a figure of speech, but you know what I mean. He tried making me feel better, he'd say things like "You're beautiful, you're smart, and you're just amazing. I know you'll find someone who's worth all of that and more, just like you deserve so much more than this, than dealing with a guy who's so confused and isn't sure of what he wants.'' Mehh...
Usually, when I see this sort of scenario between two people, I'd automatically think that ''Oh, he's just bullshitting her, obviously he wanted to have fun and get laid before going back to his girl, might as well just write it down on his forehead. I. Want. To. Do. You. Then. Dump. You. Might as well.'' But no, I knew he was different, I could feel it, in every way. His behavior, his words, his actions, all of it. He was a man of his word, and when he promised that he'd stay with her forever, he wanted to keep that promise. You see, I don't get this whole "Promise" deal. Seriously? I mean, how could you promise someone that you'd love her and want to be with her forever? How? Even if all your arguments and grudges started piling up? Even if you got hitched and had a really bad marriage? That's just selfish, think about your children, growing up with parents who can't even stand each other, no wait. It's okay, because many years ago, your daddy promised your mommy that he'd stick with her for life. Awesome.
Okay, I know I sound bitchy at the moment, but I'm sorry I think it's a shitty idea. People shouldn't make promises they can't/won't/SHOULDN'T keep. It's just not healthy. Period. I see it, I see that he goes through hell, and even after getting back together, he'd call occasionally and just ''let it out'', he talks about how sometimes he feels like people don't understand him, and about how he just wants to ''let go'', whatever that means. And I'd be there for him, 'cause I'm a dumb ass that way. Thanks. Ms. Q, my close friends would be like ''Intay min 9ijich? How do you stand this? Obviously he has feelings for you, she stares all day at Gust, he texts and calls you, he wants to have YOU as the person he turns to when he's feeling down, why won't he leave her?''. Shit, it's not that simple, it just isn't. He loves her. He has ''feelings'' for me, feelings go away eventually, whether this was just a crush or lust or whatever shit they call it, it'll go away.
But love, that's the sort of thing that lasts forever, and he felt that way towards her, not me. Her. End of story, yeah? No. As usuall, I'd avoid eye contact whenever he's around, he'd still stare! I don't understand, I mean, why stare? 5ala9! Isalfa 5ali9at, so just stop, but he doesn't, and his close friend would be like ''Stop staring, you're so obvious.'' but he just doesn't care. 3ugub fatra, a couple of weeks or so, I got a message in the evening, I had a really long day youmha, w makan le 5ilg anything that would contemplate into making my day any more fucked up than it already was. Two of my friends were home with him, Aj and Ms. Q, we were just relaxing on my bed, all three of us. Kil wa7da minding her own business after having a really late lunch, wa7da on the laptop. No, wait.
Both were on the laptop, and I was just lying down wanting to take a nap, but I couldn't since both of them were typing away and the noise. Was. Just. Unbelievable. Wagt'ha, 'cause I was tired and in a shitty mood, usually I wouldn't mind it, so I stayed quiet and closed my eyes. I was thinking of him. Of what he was doing at that very moment. Then the message, I got a message, and not in a million years did I expect one from Kk, we weren't ''talking'' and I was JUST THINKING ABOUT HIM, DAMN IT! How fucking random was that? Shay mu 6abee3i. Thanks. And since I didn't think HE'D be sending the message, ma ba6alta 3ala 6ool, figured whoever sent it can wait. No one's dying. 7atan my phone makan ley 5ilga. 7a6eita silent w dozed off into Lala Land... A couple of hours later, I woke up to the noise of someone knocking on my door and walking in - mama.
The girls have left already, they took their stuff and closed the lights just before leaving, 3'a6ouny with a blanket and drove away to their homes. Sweet <3> ma trideen 3ala telephonich? A couple of your friends called il beit asking about you.'' Mom said. She opened the lights and just when my eyes started adjusting to the brightness, I saw the light going on and off min telephony. ''I'm up, al7een I call them, thanks maa..'' ''So what's for dinner? Tabeen shay mu3ayan?'' This meant my dad and all our brothers aren't at home, so usually we'd order Chinese takeout and chill in front the T.V watching ''trying to stay alive and kicking' series, preferably, Desperate Housewives. I smiled, ''Don't we always get the same thing?'' She smiled back, I'll make the order, get your butt up and call your friends.'' She answered back. Again, sweet <3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_62">ugub idawam, wei3, yeah? I know. Missed calls, 2 from Aj, 2 from Kitten, and 5 from K. my brother, shit. Shfeehum?
3 messages, I checked the last two I received, 1 from Kitten demanding I call her back when I read this, and another from Ms. Q asking me to pick her up from her place on my way to school. And then, his message. His message. Why God? Whhyyyyyyy? Lol. -Sarcasm- ''I'm proud of you.'' was what he sent. Really? Shagool? I just wanted to scroll into my parents' bed and tuck myself in next to mama and just talk... Her and I, we're cool, we talk about everything, but I didn't know if I should tell her about Kk, I always talk to her about guys and stuff, she knows that I'm very honest min hana7ya, so she felt something was wrong. But I just wasn't ready... Not yet. I was still in my bed, was very hesitant, ared? Marid? Madri. I did. Fuck me, why did I? ''Why?'' A minute later, I received another message, I knew it would be him, and I was right.
''You seem happy, you smile. When I'm close by, you hold it in, you don't show any emotions, not even any facial expressions, and I know it's just an act. You know why? Because I also see you from far away, I see you laughing with your friends, when you smile, you're smile is beautiful.'' Fuck. I could make a decision right now, to reply, and go on and on with the messages knowing that it won't take us anywhere, or I could just NOT text back. To just ignore... I didn't know what to do, I miss him. His warm voice, his everything... But I couldn't be selfish, it was obvious he was having a bad day, that he needed to talk to someone, and I knew that an hour of texting, he'd most probably start talking about whatever's bothering him. But what about her? His girlfriend, I hate this. Being the ''other girl'' who would affect such a strong relationship, I didn't wanna be that, because I've been in her situation in the past, and I hated myself when I realised that I was so ignorant, not knowing there were ''other girls'' in my last relationship. I just didn't wanna be the ''other girl''. Period.
But no, we kept on texting... And the next few days were unbelievable. Now, scrolling up, I wrote that going to Gust at 7 AM reminded me of him, shma3na hal wagt? We DO GO to the same university ya3ni, bas shma3na 7 AM? I woke up at 6 AM a few mornings after that random message, according to my schedule, I have class at 8 AM, two hours, what to do 'till then? Aj wouldn't be coming until she has class 'cause she had family issues, and Kitten would never - I repeat - never come before 8 AM! I decided to wear shorts and a shirt to go walking for half an hour, come back and have a shower, then go to my class. Things didn't go according to plan; I was just about to get dressed to go walking, when I got a message from him, asking to meet me at Gust so we'd sit and catch up before class, without thinking, I sent a message back agreeing and asking to wait for 20 minutes to get dressed and head to Gust, which was a 4 minute drive itha kint 6aayra. I'd a6eer for him...
I ordered my usual Americano just before getting a message from him asking me to head upstairs, our spot. I went, it's very private, no one around. Just him and I. And we'd talk, as soon as I headed towards him, he smiled, that smile... Grabbed my black coffee and sipped carefully before handing it back to me, he kissed my forehead as a hello. I loved those moments, we said our good mornings and sat on the stairs, we talked for more than half an hour, nothing specific really, just enjoyed the flowing conversations. Just before getting up and heading to class, which was at the other end of the building, meaning I had to run so I wouldn't be late, he took hold of my hand and asked to wait for a minute. He picked up my books and bag, -what a gentleman- and gave me a big hug, the sort of hug that says -Please don't let go- written all of it, I could just feel him in me. His cologne, his aftershave, all of him... It was a done deal. I'm in love with this person.
Part V will be up soon, hopefully you're liking what you're reading. I wanna add that some of the events in this story are fiction, but mostly, everything is true. Real life shit. Yeah, thanks.
Okay then, off to bed.
Class from 10 tomorrow, goodnight.
N. Kk
xx
He was happy again. Period, it didn't matter how I felt about it, it didn't matter that maybe, just maybe, in time, things could have worked between us. I admit, I did have that little glimmer of hope in me, hope that I saw whenever we talked and whenever he smiled, but the smile... It wasn't the same, and I knew it all along. I guess I was just in denial, thinking that he'd get over it soon, and things would be okay. That was very selfish of me. I'm not like that, I care about peoples' feelings, I care about the fact that he got his heart broken quite a few times by this girl, but I have to also respect the fact that he still loves her. And she still loves him. They belonged together, and in a picture, only two people should fit; so what did I do after he told me? I wished him the best of luck, that I'd pray for their relationship to work and walked away.
He knew me, he knew that that wasn't the end of the story, MY heart was broken this time, it was MY heart, and no one broke it but me. Because I've always hoped that maybe something might happen. I could see him in my future, I could imagine him being a part of my life later on. Obviously it was just the dreams of a foolish girl who didn't know better. I just wanted to spot and crawl to the first corner, wrap my arms around my legs, and just die... Again, emo. I know. Shut up, it's just a figure of speech, but you know what I mean. He tried making me feel better, he'd say things like "You're beautiful, you're smart, and you're just amazing. I know you'll find someone who's worth all of that and more, just like you deserve so much more than this, than dealing with a guy who's so confused and isn't sure of what he wants.'' Mehh...
Usually, when I see this sort of scenario between two people, I'd automatically think that ''Oh, he's just bullshitting her, obviously he wanted to have fun and get laid before going back to his girl, might as well just write it down on his forehead. I. Want. To. Do. You. Then. Dump. You. Might as well.'' But no, I knew he was different, I could feel it, in every way. His behavior, his words, his actions, all of it. He was a man of his word, and when he promised that he'd stay with her forever, he wanted to keep that promise. You see, I don't get this whole "Promise" deal. Seriously? I mean, how could you promise someone that you'd love her and want to be with her forever? How? Even if all your arguments and grudges started piling up? Even if you got hitched and had a really bad marriage? That's just selfish, think about your children, growing up with parents who can't even stand each other, no wait. It's okay, because many years ago, your daddy promised your mommy that he'd stick with her for life. Awesome.
Okay, I know I sound bitchy at the moment, but I'm sorry I think it's a shitty idea. People shouldn't make promises they can't/won't/SHOULDN'T keep. It's just not healthy. Period. I see it, I see that he goes through hell, and even after getting back together, he'd call occasionally and just ''let it out'', he talks about how sometimes he feels like people don't understand him, and about how he just wants to ''let go'', whatever that means. And I'd be there for him, 'cause I'm a dumb ass that way. Thanks. Ms. Q, my close friends would be like ''Intay min 9ijich? How do you stand this? Obviously he has feelings for you, she stares all day at Gust, he texts and calls you, he wants to have YOU as the person he turns to when he's feeling down, why won't he leave her?''. Shit, it's not that simple, it just isn't. He loves her. He has ''feelings'' for me, feelings go away eventually, whether this was just a crush or lust or whatever shit they call it, it'll go away.
But love, that's the sort of thing that lasts forever, and he felt that way towards her, not me. Her. End of story, yeah? No. As usuall, I'd avoid eye contact whenever he's around, he'd still stare! I don't understand, I mean, why stare? 5ala9! Isalfa 5ali9at, so just stop, but he doesn't, and his close friend would be like ''Stop staring, you're so obvious.'' but he just doesn't care. 3ugub fatra, a couple of weeks or so, I got a message in the evening, I had a really long day youmha, w makan le 5ilg anything that would contemplate into making my day any more fucked up than it already was. Two of my friends were home with him, Aj and Ms. Q, we were just relaxing on my bed, all three of us. Kil wa7da minding her own business after having a really late lunch, wa7da on the laptop. No, wait.
Both were on the laptop, and I was just lying down wanting to take a nap, but I couldn't since both of them were typing away and the noise. Was. Just. Unbelievable. Wagt'ha, 'cause I was tired and in a shitty mood, usually I wouldn't mind it, so I stayed quiet and closed my eyes. I was thinking of him. Of what he was doing at that very moment. Then the message, I got a message, and not in a million years did I expect one from Kk, we weren't ''talking'' and I was JUST THINKING ABOUT HIM, DAMN IT! How fucking random was that? Shay mu 6abee3i. Thanks. And since I didn't think HE'D be sending the message, ma ba6alta 3ala 6ool, figured whoever sent it can wait. No one's dying. 7atan my phone makan ley 5ilga. 7a6eita silent w dozed off into Lala Land... A couple of hours later, I woke up to the noise of someone knocking on my door and walking in - mama.
The girls have left already, they took their stuff and closed the lights just before leaving, 3'a6ouny with a blanket and drove away to their homes. Sweet <3> ma trideen 3ala telephonich? A couple of your friends called il beit asking about you.'' Mom said. She opened the lights and just when my eyes started adjusting to the brightness, I saw the light going on and off min telephony. ''I'm up, al7een I call them, thanks maa..'' ''So what's for dinner? Tabeen shay mu3ayan?'' This meant my dad and all our brothers aren't at home, so usually we'd order Chinese takeout and chill in front the T.V watching ''trying to stay alive and kicking' series, preferably, Desperate Housewives. I smiled, ''Don't we always get the same thing?'' She smiled back, I'll make the order, get your butt up and call your friends.'' She answered back. Again, sweet <3 class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_62">ugub idawam, wei3, yeah? I know. Missed calls, 2 from Aj, 2 from Kitten, and 5 from K. my brother, shit. Shfeehum?
3 messages, I checked the last two I received, 1 from Kitten demanding I call her back when I read this, and another from Ms. Q asking me to pick her up from her place on my way to school. And then, his message. His message. Why God? Whhyyyyyyy? Lol. -Sarcasm- ''I'm proud of you.'' was what he sent. Really? Shagool? I just wanted to scroll into my parents' bed and tuck myself in next to mama and just talk... Her and I, we're cool, we talk about everything, but I didn't know if I should tell her about Kk, I always talk to her about guys and stuff, she knows that I'm very honest min hana7ya, so she felt something was wrong. But I just wasn't ready... Not yet. I was still in my bed, was very hesitant, ared? Marid? Madri. I did. Fuck me, why did I? ''Why?'' A minute later, I received another message, I knew it would be him, and I was right.
''You seem happy, you smile. When I'm close by, you hold it in, you don't show any emotions, not even any facial expressions, and I know it's just an act. You know why? Because I also see you from far away, I see you laughing with your friends, when you smile, you're smile is beautiful.'' Fuck. I could make a decision right now, to reply, and go on and on with the messages knowing that it won't take us anywhere, or I could just NOT text back. To just ignore... I didn't know what to do, I miss him. His warm voice, his everything... But I couldn't be selfish, it was obvious he was having a bad day, that he needed to talk to someone, and I knew that an hour of texting, he'd most probably start talking about whatever's bothering him. But what about her? His girlfriend, I hate this. Being the ''other girl'' who would affect such a strong relationship, I didn't wanna be that, because I've been in her situation in the past, and I hated myself when I realised that I was so ignorant, not knowing there were ''other girls'' in my last relationship. I just didn't wanna be the ''other girl''. Period.
But no, we kept on texting... And the next few days were unbelievable. Now, scrolling up, I wrote that going to Gust at 7 AM reminded me of him, shma3na hal wagt? We DO GO to the same university ya3ni, bas shma3na 7 AM? I woke up at 6 AM a few mornings after that random message, according to my schedule, I have class at 8 AM, two hours, what to do 'till then? Aj wouldn't be coming until she has class 'cause she had family issues, and Kitten would never - I repeat - never come before 8 AM! I decided to wear shorts and a shirt to go walking for half an hour, come back and have a shower, then go to my class. Things didn't go according to plan; I was just about to get dressed to go walking, when I got a message from him, asking to meet me at Gust so we'd sit and catch up before class, without thinking, I sent a message back agreeing and asking to wait for 20 minutes to get dressed and head to Gust, which was a 4 minute drive itha kint 6aayra. I'd a6eer for him...
I ordered my usual Americano just before getting a message from him asking me to head upstairs, our spot. I went, it's very private, no one around. Just him and I. And we'd talk, as soon as I headed towards him, he smiled, that smile... Grabbed my black coffee and sipped carefully before handing it back to me, he kissed my forehead as a hello. I loved those moments, we said our good mornings and sat on the stairs, we talked for more than half an hour, nothing specific really, just enjoyed the flowing conversations. Just before getting up and heading to class, which was at the other end of the building, meaning I had to run so I wouldn't be late, he took hold of my hand and asked to wait for a minute. He picked up my books and bag, -what a gentleman- and gave me a big hug, the sort of hug that says -Please don't let go- written all of it, I could just feel him in me. His cologne, his aftershave, all of him... It was a done deal. I'm in love with this person.
Part V will be up soon, hopefully you're liking what you're reading. I wanna add that some of the events in this story are fiction, but mostly, everything is true. Real life shit. Yeah, thanks.
Okay then, off to bed.
Class from 10 tomorrow, goodnight.
N. Kk
xx
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