To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes. Tonight I wanna cry.

I have so much to talk about, it's not even funny. I like how I type it all here, it really is like therapy. Even better, no? Yes. I haven't posted anything in days simply because I didn't have any energy, even though I've been reading plenty. The beautiful world of blogging. I really do respect all my fellow bloggers and bloggeretes, and reading their constant posts is starting to become a daily ritual. I've been introduced to this website around a month ago, and it's been so enticing ever since. I'm getting way out of the road here; I wanted to talk about stuff, yes. Stuff. My somewhat crazy life has taken a completely different turn and now it's just ludicrous! Humph, it can get extremely exhausting at times; I'm not saying I'm the fucking president with a very rich and busy life, no. But believe you me, sometimes I feel like escaping from all the craziness. Maala da3i, you know? Sometimes, you just need a break. I'd love one, law youmein... Under the sun, the beach ahead of me, and the warm sand. Oh Lord <3 so yeah, what's been going on?

Awal shay, F. I shall start talking about him. Ya rabbi, ta3abny hal insaan. A few posts ago, I've written about him and what he did, the whole phone call at night? The I-want-you-back conversation? Yeah, that... So two nights ago, at around 10 PM, I was lying down tucked in bed with green tea (I do that before bed sometimes, tea.) and glaring at the screen of my laptop, just finished with my assignments and was ready to go to bed. I had such an OK day that I just wanted to sleep early for the sake of not having anything ruin it, I needed it to be perfect. I was still online, talking to friends and ignoring others when suddenly he signs in, F. So what? Yeah? It didn't matter really, so I continued what I was doing aimlessly, kil ma agool yalla bagoom anam I just don't. For some reason, I just felt like I had to stay there... Faj2a!! I was just scanning my list and seeing who's online, I looked at F.'s personal message and it said ''I Love You.'' that was like a fucking slap on my face. Feeny 3aib, I always afaser 3ala keify and go way too deep into analyzing what the personal message means. With F. though, it was plain and simple. The whole ''3 words, 8 letters, say them and I'm yours'' thing. I Love You. Shinu ya3ni?! I was so curious to find out who he was referring to, it killed me. Why does he have it there? Isn't he the same person who called me two nights ago asking to have me back? Asking for a chance to start something so beautiful? And as soon as I sort of refused, he just I don't know what I'm saying? Wei3, inzein? Wei3. What does N.-Kk do? Bad N.-Kk. She starts this conversation with Mz, a mutual friend who knows me as well as F.! I asked her to start talking to him and pretend like everything's fine and NOT to mention me. ''Si2leeh 3an his personal message! And let me know right away.'' I asked. She did. She didn't just do that, she also copy and pasted what he said. I luf her! Mental note, buy something pretty for her. Yup. He tells her stuff like I wanna get married with 28366399 LOL's! Ga3ed yit3'ashmar wala shfeeh? The more she brought to me, the more I felt sad and bitter for some reason. A5er shay yegoolaha the I Love You is not for anyone, I just have it there. When she said that ana 9aar feeny... Whoa... Is he serious? Mother Effer much? Definitely. I just got so pissed faj2a! Not because he didnt have it there for a reason, la2.. Keifa. But the fact that I got mad and curious about it. Like why should I? It's none of my business awal shay, thany shay madree shinu thany shay. I honestly was not thinking straight! ;/ *Grabs knife and stabs herself* Wei3, inzein? Wei3. Seriously! Try to put yourself in my shoes, the feeling's so madri shloun! But I felt like wei3... I signed out without saying good night to anyone and turned my phone off. Bad habit, I always do that whenever my mood's fucked up. Well he fucked it up for me ya3ni! I needed a breather. I read Lilo & Stitch's happy posts. They made me feel a teeny wit better :( Hfft. A couple of hours later just before going to bed, I switched my phone back on just because I wanted to a7i6 my alarm for class in the morning. And I get the missed calls msg thing. Mz called as well as other people whom I most definitely will not call back. So I decided to call Mz. She answered right away telling me that F. was talking to her about me, saying he still wants me back and that he tried and ''did his all'' to have me back but I just wouldn't give him the time of day. Seriously? Ilmaw9'oo3 beiny w beinik, why drag Mz or anyone for that matter into this? Shit. I wasn't mad or anything.. I didnt react or anything. I said my good nights and went to bed after switching my phone off again. I just needed sleep. So much for having a perfect day, ey? Whatever.

The night right after.

I sign in, and what happens 3ala 6ool? Dash 3alay, F. bas the thing is, yisoulif 3ady china moo 9ayer shay. I didn't wanna act like an annoying kid fa radeit 3ady bidoon ma anafes, maala da3ee, you know? So I was helping him out with something and I kept it very madree shloun, moo barda but like formal, you know? No emots and everyone knows I love emots. No LOLs or anything like that, but I was ''nice''. Yes. So when we were done and I was about to leave, he opened il maw9'oo3... And we just started talking about it for the next hour. I do miss him, and I do love him... But it's just not the same anymore. I moved on. And frankly, I don't know if I should go back to that place anymore. I'm just scared I guess. So we didnt exactly solve anything, leil7een mit3algeen. I do miss him though...

But Kk.

I don't know.

I hate being me at the moment, it's just so complicated. How can someone have feelings for two people? I feel 3'ala6, you know? Oh! What happens on the same day?! 3ashan tshoofoon shloun il wa9'3 (N)! I was at Starbucks ib Gust, yeah? Just standing and about to order. Ma kan fee a7ad, it was just me and some dude at the far end of Starbucks ready to grab his drink. Lama7t and I saw that it was Kk. Shit. I didn't give him wayh kilish, I ordered my usual w faj2a Kk tells the employee ''La ta36eeha shay.'' in a joking kind of way. Ana 9ar feeny... Wtf? Shaybi? Don't mess around when I still didnt have my morning coffee, damn it. Death wish? Wei3. I didnt say anything though. The dirty look from the employee was enough to make him feel tiny. I love him! Lol so I move to the far end to get my ready coffee, w yaaya ba5tha but Kk tells the other guy ''Don't give her anything'' shyabi hatha?!!!!!!! Stop with the 3'ashmara, who the fuck do you think you are? We're not friends, we're not together, we ''don't know each other''. Supposedly. I missed his voice... Pssh. When he said that, 3a6eita 9'ahry w misheit. The nerve. The balls.

So basically, it was a very busy day, F. and Kk. Shinu hatha?! Why, God? Why? I swear I'm not being dramatic, it's just that it's too much. Ya3ni dealing with one of them is too exhausting. And now I have to manage both? Shalla 7aadny? No. I didn't need this. But I didnt know what to do! The next day, you all know how the weather was; in the early morning it was super chilly! I loved it <3 I love winter :( So I head to Gust, yeah? And make my way to our usual table to put my shit and get Aj from the library. Who's sitting next to MY TABLE? Him. With his group. Kk. Leish? *cries* So I put my books and bag, and go to the library, grab Aj and head back. keifa. It's a free country, if he wants to sit there even though he know that I'm always at my table, let him sit there. I can't force him to leave. Ms. Q is still not at Gust, so she can't do embarrassing and hilarious stuff for him to leave. I wanted her :( A while 3ugub, Aj goes to madree wein to print I don't know what. I was alone at the table giving Kk my back, yeah? Reading. Suddenly he's behind me, and places a sheet of paper on the table and says ''Here you go'' and heads back to his table. Oh my God! My heart immediately stopped beating! I didnt open it right away, I slid it shwaya b3eed 3any just to seem like I didn't give two shitts what was written in it. I WAS DYING! I had to read it! He was still there five minutes later, so I opened and read what it said.

IM SORRY ABOUT YESTERDAY. I wrote this note because I know you don't wanna talk to me.

He was referring to what he did at Starbucks. Good. I wanted him to feel like the ass he was. Mission accomplished. So what do I do? I write back and say ''It's okay, don't apologize. And why would you think that I don't wanna talk to you? Bil 3ags, I miss you.''

Right?

No!

Haha. Lame. No, I didn't do that. I folded the paper and just slid it between my papers, showing that it didn't matter whether or not he apologized, he's nothing to me. That's the message I wanted to deliver. He saw what I did. Aj was back, thank Goodness she didn't see any of that. 3'ayart my position now, I gave him my side, facing Aj and the wall. Bas ma rafa3t rasee, I kept on reading but lifted my head up kil shway when I was talking to Aj, and every time I did, I took a sneak peak at him, he was LOOKING AT ME. He was looking 6ool il wagt! Wtf? :( Ayam gabil... 7arakata, what he used to do last course. Damn him
It was the afternoon, Kitten, Aj and I decide to go to MacD's ib Mishref, we had our lunch and left. Awal ma 6ila3na bida il jaw madree shfee happened! It was freaky, but beautiful in the same way. First, the clouds were dark as fuck. Then it started raining, ba3dein nizal bredy! DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT? We were in the Tahoe looking out the windows, Kitten was taking pictures, she loved the weather. We then decide to go back to uni, having another hour to spare before class, what does N.-Kk do? Bad N.-Kk. She texts F. and asks him to be careful driving back home, ana shakoo?! :O Wei3, inzein? Wei3. He texts back a few seconds later saying that he'll be okay and I shouldn't worry, and that he wanted to enjoy the beautiful weather ''with me ;-)''. Okay. Okay. *cries some more* Bottom line, we meet up for half an hour. We drive around in Mishref, talking about nothing really, it was nice. Comfortable. Sweet. Very so marriage-ish, you know? Damn it.

He then drops me in time for class, and we didnt stop texting until the evening when he left the gym. It wasn't lovey dovey messages, but like casual random things. Again, I tried to not flirt and act all girly, cheny I was talking to a friend. Yes, a friend. That night I was online again, and I was talking to JO, a friend of mine who was with me in school and now at Gust. We were talking and madree how yibna i6aree, we started talking about Kk. He knows about him, I trusted JO so I felt comfortable telling him about what I went through, funny thing is, he's friends with him. JO's part of that group. He tells me that Kk's leaving for a week to travel 3ashan he had a tournament. Wow. A whole weak, I then beg JO to tell me NOT to text Kk and say troo7 witrid bisalama, he did. Did I isma3 il kalam? No. Why? Because I'm an ass that way. just before going to bed, I send the message ''Trou7 witrid bisalama inshalla..'' and the moment it was sent, I regretted what I've done. I've been strong all this time, I was strong... And now, I send him a message. That just about killed me right there. The message wasn't delivered, his phone was off. 7a6eit rasee w nimt. Yesterday when I woke up at 6 AM, I see four messages and a couple of missed calls. I looked at the messages first, two from Kk. TWO! Aaah. Shoot me <3 First said that he was shocked that I sent him a message and that he guess this meant that I forgave him, shay chithy with the (;p) and alla ysalimnee. The second said Thank you, and to let him know if I needed anything min hnaak.

It's starting again, I could feel it. He was coming back again, into my life, for a while. Again. I suddenly felt so guilty, what the hell was I doing? But I was smiling. F., shit... But we weren't together, were we? I wasn't obligated to do or not do anything, but why?!!! Why did I send him a message?! I swear I should just break this phone w 5ala9.

Now, I'm even more lost, F and I have been talking online, again about normal things. Kk is away, and I'm just... Lost. I keep getting myself into these situations. Madree leish. Now, I don't know what to do, I just don't know how to control my emotions anymore, I really cannot. It's so scary, this feeling... And not knowing what the hell is going to happen in the future is even scarier.

Good night

N. Kk

xx