But This Journey, It Was Worth The Fight, To Be With You

One of the worst days... Honest to God. I was not expecting the events of today occuring so rapidly and intensely waking up this morning. So I went to bed at around 7 PM last night, yeah? I didn't even bother to adjust my alarm knowing that I'd wake up in an hour or so.. The last thing I did before sleeping was texting Kk, we've been texting all day and I told him that I'd be talking to him when I wake up. Did I wake up? Yeah, you bet. When? 5 AM this morning, dude.. Who sleeps for that long? It's not normal.. And I had the weirdest feeling too! It was like... Sunny-ish, and for some reason, my clock stopped working, my phone was somewhere on my bed but I didn't bother looking for it. Not knowing what time it was panicked the shit out of me! 'Cause I went to bed when it was already dark and the sun set an hour earlier!
I was standing half a second later and sort of figgiting and hopping in my spot hoping miraciously that a clock would appear! I found my phone and it was 5 AM. I was confused, did I sleep all night 'til the morning? Obviously. Kint mgafla, don't judge me.

I looked at the 4 msgs I've recieved, from friends and nothing from Kk. It wasnt like I was expecting anything from him, still though... So I sent him a msg saying that I slept the whole night. "Msg Pending". His Blackberry was off, ofcourse, it's his signature move, it's off most of the time. Hfft. Even though it wasnt, he wouldnt reply early, akeed nayim. I woke up, had a really cold shower 3ashan a9a79i7, and went to Jabriya's mamsha at around 6.30 AM. As soon as I got back, I had orange juice and a quick bite before washing up and getting ready for Gust. That's when Kk sent a "Mashallah good morning, how was your long sleep?" message. Another long day ahead, I prayed to God nothing bad or drama-ish would happen. My prayer was not answered... I was late for my first class, 20 minutes late and I sent Kitten a msg asking the professor to leave the door of the class open so I could ala7ig. By the time I got there, I was told class was canceled! Al7een 6aayra w 7altee 7aala w I parked in the first spot I found a5rat'ha moo yaay?

Pissed the fuck out of me. Whatever, I saw the girls sitting at the North couches on the first floor and I joined them. Their majesties were being all princess-y, one was applying lotion on her arms and legs, the other was working hard with her BrightPinkNailPolish! They both looked so beautiful <3 I smiled a good morning and squeezed myself between them. We talked for a few, then went to our classes untill 1 PM. During my 12 PM class, I sent Kk a message asking if he was done with his classes. He was, and asked me if I had anything in mind. I did... I replied by asking him to meet me at my favorite spot in the beach, so I left my class, told the girls that I had to run some "errands" and drove there to meet him. I didn't know why I asked him to, honestly I didn't want to really think about it or analyse whatever was going on. I just did it. As soon as I saw him, he was still in his car and we got out and walked in the sand area, he complained about the sand, so adorable ;p

I asked him to stop whining and follow me, he was so surprised of the view. The beach was right there, a few feet away from him. It was so obvious he fell in love with the place, the light breeze sort of completed the perfection of the secluded place. We spotted a couple of men, one had his car all the way in and managed to pass the sand all the way to the tip of the beach, the other was standing far away. We found a comfortable spot of rocks to sit on, he still complained about the sand in his slippers and eventually took them off to be more comfortable.
Finally, he stopped, and to my wonderment, started to appreciate the beauty of the sea infront of him. It looked so clean and pure, aqua blue-hard to believe-I know. The waves were crashing on the rocks, it was all so seductive and breath taking.
He couldnt blame me for calling it my favorite spot; sursprisingly, it wasnt very hot despite the high sun at 1.30 PM.

We talked about university, friends, his experiences back in the States, and other random conversations here and there. We both wanted to get closer to the beach, so we approached it, and while he was dipping his toes in the cold water, I managed to find a couple of big rocks to sit on. As soon as we sat, he put his right arm around my shoulder, squeezed my neck and teased about how skinny I was compared to him. I felt so safe, like I belonged there, like it was my sanctuary. I loved it. We just stayed there, just like that, not talking as much, looking out, there were a few guys jet-skiing, one of them actually waved! Ya7leilhum! ;p Our phones rang, but we didn't bother to pick them up. We recieved messages, but we still didnt grab them. We didn't need any distractions. This was too beautiful for anything or anyone to interfere. Ms. Q was calling me, and even though I knew she was mad for being late, I knew she'd understand once I told her I was with Kk. As we got more quiet, he looked at me, he placed my head gently on his shoulder wanting me to be even more comfortable.

If only he knew how amazing this felt for me, I didn't wanna say anything, he might get scared and the moment will just be ruined. As if he was reading my mind, he asked how I was feeling. I just smiled and looked at him, he knew how incredible this all was. And for a few moments, we were able to forget about everything, Gust, friends, familes, responsibilities, I dind't want it to end. Just then, he bent in and kissed my forehead and cheek. My heart melted right there, in my spot, this man is killing me, he held me tighter and played with my fingers. As if he got the green light, he got a little closer and kissed me, so soft and fast, it felt very natural, I didn't comment, did I have a choice? I couldn't talk. It was so mesmerizing that I was completely speechless, I quickly looked down not being able to meet his gaze.
Moo 3an sti7eit or anything, I just didn't know what to say so I felt like the best thing to do is to shut up and look down. He laughed at me, jackass <3

And then came the unexpected...

"You know what's so wrong about this?" He asked me, it was definetely a retorical question so I stayed quiet looking up at him. He took a few moments, with a very serious face as if trying to find the exact right words to continue.. Oh boy, I knew we'd have to talk about it sooner or later. I just hoped it would be later... And not here. Not in my favorite place, but I couldnt interupt Kk and ask him to be quiet. "Its that I lecture her and yell whenever she stays up all night outside the house or the going to places I dont like, or whatever, and here I am." I gave him a questionable look, asking him to go on. "With another person doing tthe things I don't like her doing, being a complete hypocrate. Who does that? 9ij 7ayawan, I don't know what I'm doing..." I hated him for cussing himself, I didn't want him to feel the way he's feeling, he's too much of a good person to feel this way.

Without saying anything, he went on saying how confused he is, and what sort of a place he got all three of us in. He hated it, it was pretty obvious. Kk didn't need to write it down for me, he was lost, I was lost, and his girlfriend does not know what's going on. We always ended up in this situation, realizing that we're doing the wrong thing, he wasn't faithful, and I was definetely not helping him. I'm just so selfish, why am I making things worse? Why can't I just accept the fact that Kk and I will never be together? That he belongs with someone else? Things shouldnt be like this, if things go bad between them because of whatever's happening right now, I won't be able to live with it. With the fact that I was responsible for this innocent girl to become so miserable and upset because of this... Whatever it is... We're back in square one.

After talking for a few days, and everything was okay, we go back to where we started; doubt, guilt, and so much more. I felt my eyes burning, I couldnt fence in the tears, I didn't wanna cry infront of him. It won't make things easier for neither of us. He decided on doing something that's completely ludecrious."I want you to promise me something, I want you to not be upset, to make everything okay after I do this, when you see me at Gust, dont show that you're sad." I was quiet, too scared to hear more of this... "When you leave here, don't drive fast to your class, don't do anything stupid or drastic." Shit. What the fuck is he planning on doing? "Don't worry, I'm not doing anything stupid." That was a relief to me, I breathed out. "What are you planning on doing?" I finally asked. He bent and got behind me to grab his keys on the rock. As if I read his thoughts, I jumped as a quick reflex. "You're not serious... Moo min 9ijik, just like that...?" I asked him. He wanted to leave... Just like that... No goodbye, no closure, no nothing, just leaving me... In my favorite spot in the world.

I yelled his name out loud and he just stood there. He got closer and held my hand. "It's the only way. I can just leave and you'll forget about it." Fuck no, this is not ending the way it is! 3'ala6! How the fuck are we supposed to get closure like this? 9a7ee? I wanted to drop my hand from his and scream to his face, I wanted to hit him so hard so he'd feel the effect of his harsh words. I wanted to hug him and never let him go, I wanted him to understand how it feels being me... I was so glad I didn't cry, strength and stability was the image I wanted to give to him right then, I wanted him to know I was strong enough. He looked at me. "3ayal shtabeeny asawee?! How the hell am I supposed to act? 3a6eeny i8tiraa7, ay shay! Anything that make sense!" he yelled back. I was so scared, not from his loud voice, no. But because I knew where this was going... I had to give him up, I had to, for her... "Dont just leave like this, atleast have some respect and curtosy to finish what you've started, you wanna end whatever is going on, do it right, damn it." I said.

He didn't move an inch, just looked away at the sea. "Look at me." I continued, it was barely a whisper, but loud enough for him to face me again. He was so close I could hear his breaths on me, I'm gonna miss this... Kk is one in a million, I didn't wanna look at someone else when he's around me. He's me. That's how I wanted it to be, forever. But it's just not possible, we had to face it, deal with it, and end it. He offered to walk me to my car, I looked at him so blankly, no expressions that said anything on my face. I managed to pull of a cold face. Without another word, I picked up my keys and cell phone from the same rock he had his belongings and walked away to my car. He queitly managed to catch up to me... "Don't be angry, don't be like this." he said as he walked right next to me.

"Mu m3a9baaaaaaa Kk!" I answered. Shit, I didn't wanna be that loud, it was disrespectful, I hated being rude to him! "Yeah you are, shiftay shloun you picked up your keys and walked away from me? Shiftay shloun ga3da t9ar5een?" He asked.
"Ee ya3ni how do you expect me to react? You wanted to just leave me there!" I pointed to the spot we've spent the past hour and a half in. We stopped walking and turned back to looked at the beach. I stayed quiet, "This was it, this was it..." I thought in my head. I noticed a guy approaching our direction, he held a bag, maybe coming to fish, that made me continue walking. We got to the parking area, it was just our cars there, no one elses. "This was it, this was it..." I thought again.
After unlocking my car a few feet away, Kk rushed to open my door for me, I got in and turned the car, he still didn' close the door. Kk just stood there looking at me, I didn't say anything, I just didn't know what I had to do, was this really happening? I wish I'd take it back, asking to meet him here, if we didn't meet up today, this wouldnt be happening. Who was I kidding? It was bound to happen... He got closer and bent towards me, "So what now?" I asked.

"Now is it, we just stop." I don't understand how he could just say that, without even looking at me. "How could you?" I asked in my head. I didn't say it out loud because I knew it would hurt him.
He hated the fact that I always think he's cold and doesnt care about my feelings, I knew otherwise, but sometimes I just say it. I don't remember how we said our goodbyes... But we did. He smiled, it was such a beautiful smile, so carefree, mashallah 3aleih hal insaan. The way he's stable, so kept together, it was incredible. I felt like shit compared to him, having my tears fighting to roll down my cheeks, and my heart beating so fast. What's wrong with me? Leish chithy? Why do I get so emotional? I shouldnt... Not even for him. I asked him to get even closer, I wanted to smell him for the last time, to hold him and feel him, Kk bent even more and I put my arms around his neck. "You're gonna be alright, yeah? Okay?" he asked as I held him tighter and tighter. I wanted to take a picture of this image, for it to last forever. I couldnt. I didn't answer him, just nodded my head. I let go of Kk... "Goodbye" he said. I just looked at him, "This was it, this was it... It's for her." I said to myself for the last time. I pulled the door handle and managed to close the door with his help, I didn't even have the energy to close it myself, whats wrong with me?

I wore my seatbelt and stared at the sand, while he got into his car w sha3'alha. One tear fell down my eye, I prayed to God he didn't see it.
So I reversed and rushed out of the parking reaching the traffic light to take a U-Turn to go back to Gust before he left the parking. I turned the AC on, no music though, I wasn't in that mood at all. Ms. Q called me again, the last thing I wanted to do was to talk to someone right now. But I had to, I owed her that much, already mit2a5ra 3aleiha 45 minutes. "I'm on my way." I said with no hellos or introductions. I got to Gust 15 minutes later because of za7mat Salwa, and managed to find a good parking spot after entering the West Gate. Ms. Q and Mz were waiting for me by the couches on the first floor at West, I faked a smile and said hello, they knew something was wrong. Sub7anallah y7esoon, but stayed quiet and didn't ask me any questions respecting the space and time I needed. Ms. Q gave me the "we'll-talk-about-it-later" look. I nodded, and the day went on, I didn't go to my English Literature class, adree mara7 arakiz and I just wasnt in the mood really.

So we ordered Subway after dropping Mz to her class, we took our sandwhiches and orange juices and headed back to the West couches. We talked about it, I just had to let it off my chest, she didn't comment, I didnt want her to, I just wanted her to listen. So that's what she did. I was driving back home at around 5.30 when F. called me, I answered and we talked for a few minutes. I was focusing on the road rather than listening to him, he also felt something wrong and asked me if everything was okay. I replied saying yes. The last person I needed to talk to about having feelings for Kk is my ex, it was just wrong. I got back home and closed the phone saying that I'll talk to him later on today.

That's the end of him... I dont know how its gonna be from tomorrow.
What if I bump into Kk at Gust?
What if someday I see him somewhere?
What if I missed him too much?

I fell in love with this person, and I didn't say it to him. I couldn't.... And that's that.

Good night

N.-Kk

xx