Khaled slowly placed my hand on my thigh. I didn't know what his reaction was exactly. A mixture of emotions; anger, shock, pitty? No. Not pitty. I'd get up, walk away and leave. I hated myself for uncovering so much about my past. It's called my "past" for a reason, so I'd leave it there. I started a new chapter in my life with a person I care so much about; Khaled. He's the only person who was able to help me wipe out the memory of Bader. He's the only one who was capable of getting me out of the hole I was in, with him, I don't need to protect myself. I don't need to lift my guards up.
Nevertheless, I shouldn't have exposed myself in this manner. Now he'll know how weak I am. Now he'll know what kind of a person I am. A girl anyone can fool, a girl who can be taken for granted. When I couldn't stand the silence between us any loner, I faced him and demanded an answer. "Look at me. LOOK at me! Say something, Khaled!" I screamed. But he didn't even lift his face, making no eye-contact with me. Was I such a horrible person to even look at? Does he hate me that much now? Why would he? I didn't do anything wrong, I'm the one who got betrayed, by my boyfriend AND best friend!
No. Not pitty.
I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up to leave, and to my surprise, he didn't do the same. Khaled didn't try to stop me. Despite my efforts in taking my time and walking as slowly as possible, he didn't rush to me. I couldn't believe what was happening. Why isn't he behind me now? I turned around, he was still sitting down, both hands holding his head which was lowered. He looked so sad, so helpless, I wanted to run back and hug him. But why would I do that? I was the one who needed assurance, I was the one who went through those bad times.
It took me nearly an entire year to forget about Jasem, I couldn't eat, pray, sleep, without thinking about him. It seemed that everything I did, everything I saw or heard reminded me of the hurt, of the betrayel. Norah kept calling me for a little over two months, sending all sorts of messages and emails, apologizing. But how could someone accept such an apology? I missed her, that's true. I missed our times together, but nothing she'd say or do now would make me forget that day.
I reached my car and unlocked it. As I sat on the chair and turned on the air conditioner, I looked at Khaled's figure; he was so far away but I wouldn't mistaken him for anyone. It hurts so much, the fact that he's not holding me now and telling me that I deserve better, that I deserve happiness. That's enough, I don't need his words, and I sure as hell don't need anything from him. I quickly reversed and left the parking area, not looking back through my rerview mirror.
It was a little past twelve at night before I reached the house, I couldn't stay out any longer; I hoped to God everyone was asleep. I turned off my phone, and didn't even bother to sign into messenger that night, even though I was certain that Khaled wouldn't call or text. Running to my room, I locked the door and switched off the lights. Tonight was the last night I'd cry over the two most important people who were once in my life; tonight was the last night I'd cry over being so naive and trust worthy.. Too trust worthy.
Khaled...
Khaled was in his car, still driving and trying to comprehend what Danah just said just two hours ago. She looked so weak, so fragile, so...delicate, he was scared to even hold her hand tightly. Seeing her cry broke everything in him, and when he could no longer bear seeing the hurt in her eyes, he looked at the dark sand beneath them. Even though tonight was so beautiful, with its breath taking weather and the black sea with its waves crashing in on the both of them, everything Danah said made the night all the much worse. HE felt hurt, HE felt betrayed, HE felt weak, because he saw all those mixture of emotions flowing through her as she told him the details of her past.
Danah went through hell because of those two, she had to stay strong and overcome her grief, Khaled was positive that she was mad at first, but also knew that she couldn't stay mad forever, and exchanged that feeling with anger. Now he understood what made her give him a very strong impression of who she is, she wanted Khaled to know that no matter what he'd do to her, and no matter how things will go between them, she'd stay as solid as a rock. She wasn't willing to allow anyone else to hurt her ever again. A tear made its way down his cheek. Danah's a bird with broken wings and a broken heart, and he was the one who will heal her.
The phone kept ringing, Khaled mentally counted the number of rings in his mind. One.. Two.. Three.. Four.. Five.. Six.. No reply. He hung up and called again, but this time, the person at the other end of the phone answered right away.
"Hello?"
"Salam 3aleikum." Khaled said when he realized that the person he was talking to was sleeping.
"W 3aleikum, hala u5ooy.. Minu ma3aay?"
"Nisietny? Ana Khaled."
"Khaled? Minu Khaled?" The person asked, Khaled could hear the tense tone.
"Khaled Al..."
"Oh! Hala Khaled, asef 7abeeby ma 3eraftik! Shlounik? Sha5baarik?" the man asked Khaled with much amusement.
Khaled bit his tongue to prevent himself from speaking what was in his mind.
"Alla ysalmik, b5air daam sima3t 9outik. Balla mu8ademaat w 5alna ndish bil maw9'oo3. Can we skip the introductions? Get dressed. I'll pick you up in fifteen minutes."
"What? Dude, it's twelve in the morning! Can't we do this tomorrow? What's it about anyway?"
"I'll tell you when I see you. Fifteen minutes, or I swear I'll make a scene infront of your God damned house. You know how serious I can get, Jasem. Don't think I'm goofing around." And Khaled hung up.
Back to Danah...
After my long bath, I slipped into my robe and went to bed wearing it. Having no energy to get dressed or even turn on my phone again, I checked my watch. It was nearly 1.30, I needed to sleep. I wondered wether or not Khaled called, or even sent a text message; and for some reason, I didn't really give a damn. It was enough that I exposed my weakness to him today even though I promised myself I wouldn't again for anyone.
But Khaled lifted me up, above everyone, he made me feel important again, worth fighting for, and worth caring for. He'd never love someone like me, with a horrible past like mine. I tried convincing myself that so many people must have went through exactly - if not more - than what I have, and they've held themselves together, finding other people to love eventually. But the truth has caught up to me, I'd never be able to trust someone completely again, not even Khaled.
Soon, I was asleep.
Goodnight
N.-Kk
xx
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud - Part Eleven: There's One Way, One Way's Enough. Just Take The Highway To Love & You'll Be There.
Minutes later, I was on my way to meet Khaled in our usual location. I was nervous that he'd comment about my lime green dress, since it reached mid thigh. But that was the last thing on my mind at the moment. Norah was able to occupy my mind and she was the only person I could think about, memories of that nigth kept haunting me. But it's time to put my foot down, it's time to face her and demand an explanation; she obviously doesn't feel as guilty as she should. How could someone have the heart to do such things? And to not feel any guilt. I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and minutes later, I reached the place. There he was, parked where he always parks and waited until I was next to him, that's why he got out of the car. I still hesitated about the dress, but there's no way out of it now. i slowly got out of the car and locked it, making my way to him.
"Yah.. Yah.. Sh'hazein? Shinu hatha? Kil hal libs wil kash5a 7agee? Ya ba5tee walla!" Khaled said with a little to much exaguration in his tone, he's sweet. I smiled to him and opened my arms as I saw his welcoming me with a hug that promised warmth. I felt slightly better knowing that he'd be my shoulder to cry on and the ear I need to talk my heart out. We talked for a minute or two asking eachother about how our day was, then he grabbed my hand and ushered me to the tip of the beach where we sat. Soft chilly breezes turned into stronger ones and we felt the temperature drop a few degrees. Khaled took his jacket off and placed it on my legs, "I know how cold your legs and feet feel, babe." He said with a smile. I don't recall ever telling him that despite of it being true; I guess he just knows me too well. "Thanks, you're right. It's getting cold." and at that moment he slipped his arm around me and rubbing it upwards and downwards to warm me up. "So tell me, what's bothering you?" I looked at his face questionably. I didn't know if I should tell him, I contemplated about it. This is such a beautiful night, and sitting with him hear is so perfect. Did I want to ruin that? But I'm so tired of Norah and all the problems she's dragging with her into my world.
Knowing that Khaled wouldn't just give up and let go of it, I started speaking. "There are a few things I need to tell you, you're not going to like them, I assure you. But it's time you know something important about my past, Khaled. You can stop me whenever you want to, but I'd rather you wouldn't because talking to you about this is going to be hard. I'm scared you're going to judge me because of what I've done and maybe lose what we have, but I believe that honesty is the most imortant factor in a relationship so you'll have to listen and-" Khaled interupted me. "Danah, Danah... You're scaring me. OK? Just say what you need to say already, I promise I won't do any judging and I'll be patient until you're done. Just talk to me baby, let it out." he answered as he rubbed the back of my neck with his hand reassuring me. My mind went into a trance, and all of a sudden, I was back...
Ten Months Ago
I recieved a text message from Jasem that morning asking me to meet him at his chalet. After buying a few movies and junk food, he said that we had the entire day for ourselves. I've been with Jasem for three years and he never disrespected me or my honour in any way. Regardless of the fact that he's open minded and that he'd been physical with his past girlfriends, he never tried pushing me to that direction and I appreciated his effort. I always beleived that sex is an experience you share with a husband, as opposed to a boyfriend. It's the most intimate thing you may have with someone that you love, and I knew I loved Jasem and trusted him with my life. But I made the decision and promised myself to wait until we plan our lives together and get married. Driving to his chalet, I stopped and filled my tank with gas. That's when I got another message from Norah, one of my best friends.
"Hey babe. Look, I need a huge favor! I wouldn't ask if it wasn't so urgent. Can you pass by my house? There's a blue jumpsuit on my bed that I need. I'm in Ghala's beach house."
She can't be serious... Being her best friend, I felt like I had to take the next U-Turn and drive to her house. I'd be mad with her later since she ruined my plans with my boyfriend. I dialed Jasem's number to ask him that I'd be a little late. He understood and asked me to take as much time as I needed, he'd be waiting for me.
"So while you're doing that, I'm going to swim for a while, I'm leaving my phone in the house, la wi9altay just come in. Maku a7ad."
So just like Norah asked me, I went over to her place and up her room since no one was in the house but the servants, grabbed her jumpsuit and ran down to my car again. By the time I left Norah's neighbourhood, she sent me a msg asking where I was. Radeit 3aleiha..
"Omw to Ghala's.. Bgara I hate you, I made plans with Badoor! You OWE me, hoe!"
And a minute later she replied saying how much she loved me. I smiled at her msg and right then, my phone switched off. Great. Perfect timing. After dropping Norah's clothes at Ghala's, I started driving to the chalet again, by that time, 7adee ti3abt and I needed to rest, but I'd do that when I arrive at the chalet. Ghala's house was empty, so I quickly assumed that she and Norah were still out and haven't arrived yet, Norah's car was parked in Ghala's spot. I huffed and puffed thinking about the long drive to the chalet, but remembering that Jasem was waiting for me made me feel better. I loved this man so much, his ambition in working hard and trying to become financially stable made me proud of him. He brings up marriage and having ten kids only every single time I talk to him, Jasem isn't scared of commitment, because he believes that once you find the right person, you're going to want to be with him or her for the rest of your life. Finally, I arrived. I unlocked the car, got out and stepped on the sand and made my way to the door.
As I opened it, I noticed that towels and swimming shorts were scattered on the floor down the hall way. He must've had his friends over last night or something, I thought. Then I noticed something else, something small with srtings. Something red. Something that belonged to a female. My mind started thinking of as many explanations to what I'm seeing, but nothing rational made me feel at ease. I felt perspiration soaking my shirt and I realized how nervous I am. I heard a voice upstairs, I breathed in a long and steady breath, and started going up to the first floor. First room to my right. Just a few steps away. I walked, growing even more nervous with each step. The door was partially open, I grabbed the handle and pushed it to walk in the room. I saw the person the red bikini downstairs belonged to, and I saw the person my heart belonged to.
Jasem was on top of someone. A woman. Jasem was having sex with someone.
"Jasem..." I heard my voice. It was barely a whisper.
Jasem drew back from her and turned to look at me, lifting the sheets to cover himself.
That's when I saw who he was sharing his bed with.
I couldn't believe what I saw. Could this really be happening? My boyfriend, I started screaming her name, surprising myself that I had more rage and anger towards her than towards Jasem. She quickly pulled up the white sheets to cover her naked body as well. I grabbed her by her hair and pulled her out of the bed, not caring that there was noting covering her now. I pushed her as she screamed saying how sorry she is, I looked back and Jasem was still in bed, not moving, the shock covering his face. He couldn't even say a word. I reached to the necklace he bought me two years ago and ripped it from around my neck, throwing it at him. She saw what I did and started crying, "I didn't know... I didn't... Danah I'm so sorry-" I stopped her with a slap on her face, I just couldn't tolerate anymore. She fell back, and knocked her head on the wall. It was fast, and it was hard. Her eyes were closed now.
I ran to my car, ignoring Jasem's loud calls. I started the ignition and reversed, leaving his chalet. I was never going to come here again. Driving back home, not a single tear fell down my face, I held myself strong and managed to control my emotions. I was hurt, so hurt and betrayed that I was in no state to shed a tear, which was very surprising to me. Three years of being commited to Jasem, a fraud, a lying scum bag. How could someone be so heartless?
How could Norah be so heartless?
Carpe Diem, this is for you!
Goodnight
N.-Kk
"Yah.. Yah.. Sh'hazein? Shinu hatha? Kil hal libs wil kash5a 7agee? Ya ba5tee walla!" Khaled said with a little to much exaguration in his tone, he's sweet. I smiled to him and opened my arms as I saw his welcoming me with a hug that promised warmth. I felt slightly better knowing that he'd be my shoulder to cry on and the ear I need to talk my heart out. We talked for a minute or two asking eachother about how our day was, then he grabbed my hand and ushered me to the tip of the beach where we sat. Soft chilly breezes turned into stronger ones and we felt the temperature drop a few degrees. Khaled took his jacket off and placed it on my legs, "I know how cold your legs and feet feel, babe." He said with a smile. I don't recall ever telling him that despite of it being true; I guess he just knows me too well. "Thanks, you're right. It's getting cold." and at that moment he slipped his arm around me and rubbing it upwards and downwards to warm me up. "So tell me, what's bothering you?" I looked at his face questionably. I didn't know if I should tell him, I contemplated about it. This is such a beautiful night, and sitting with him hear is so perfect. Did I want to ruin that? But I'm so tired of Norah and all the problems she's dragging with her into my world.
Knowing that Khaled wouldn't just give up and let go of it, I started speaking. "There are a few things I need to tell you, you're not going to like them, I assure you. But it's time you know something important about my past, Khaled. You can stop me whenever you want to, but I'd rather you wouldn't because talking to you about this is going to be hard. I'm scared you're going to judge me because of what I've done and maybe lose what we have, but I believe that honesty is the most imortant factor in a relationship so you'll have to listen and-" Khaled interupted me. "Danah, Danah... You're scaring me. OK? Just say what you need to say already, I promise I won't do any judging and I'll be patient until you're done. Just talk to me baby, let it out." he answered as he rubbed the back of my neck with his hand reassuring me. My mind went into a trance, and all of a sudden, I was back...
Ten Months Ago
I recieved a text message from Jasem that morning asking me to meet him at his chalet. After buying a few movies and junk food, he said that we had the entire day for ourselves. I've been with Jasem for three years and he never disrespected me or my honour in any way. Regardless of the fact that he's open minded and that he'd been physical with his past girlfriends, he never tried pushing me to that direction and I appreciated his effort. I always beleived that sex is an experience you share with a husband, as opposed to a boyfriend. It's the most intimate thing you may have with someone that you love, and I knew I loved Jasem and trusted him with my life. But I made the decision and promised myself to wait until we plan our lives together and get married. Driving to his chalet, I stopped and filled my tank with gas. That's when I got another message from Norah, one of my best friends.
"Hey babe. Look, I need a huge favor! I wouldn't ask if it wasn't so urgent. Can you pass by my house? There's a blue jumpsuit on my bed that I need. I'm in Ghala's beach house."
She can't be serious... Being her best friend, I felt like I had to take the next U-Turn and drive to her house. I'd be mad with her later since she ruined my plans with my boyfriend. I dialed Jasem's number to ask him that I'd be a little late. He understood and asked me to take as much time as I needed, he'd be waiting for me.
"So while you're doing that, I'm going to swim for a while, I'm leaving my phone in the house, la wi9altay just come in. Maku a7ad."
So just like Norah asked me, I went over to her place and up her room since no one was in the house but the servants, grabbed her jumpsuit and ran down to my car again. By the time I left Norah's neighbourhood, she sent me a msg asking where I was. Radeit 3aleiha..
"Omw to Ghala's.. Bgara I hate you, I made plans with Badoor! You OWE me, hoe!"
And a minute later she replied saying how much she loved me. I smiled at her msg and right then, my phone switched off. Great. Perfect timing. After dropping Norah's clothes at Ghala's, I started driving to the chalet again, by that time, 7adee ti3abt and I needed to rest, but I'd do that when I arrive at the chalet. Ghala's house was empty, so I quickly assumed that she and Norah were still out and haven't arrived yet, Norah's car was parked in Ghala's spot. I huffed and puffed thinking about the long drive to the chalet, but remembering that Jasem was waiting for me made me feel better. I loved this man so much, his ambition in working hard and trying to become financially stable made me proud of him. He brings up marriage and having ten kids only every single time I talk to him, Jasem isn't scared of commitment, because he believes that once you find the right person, you're going to want to be with him or her for the rest of your life. Finally, I arrived. I unlocked the car, got out and stepped on the sand and made my way to the door.
As I opened it, I noticed that towels and swimming shorts were scattered on the floor down the hall way. He must've had his friends over last night or something, I thought. Then I noticed something else, something small with srtings. Something red. Something that belonged to a female. My mind started thinking of as many explanations to what I'm seeing, but nothing rational made me feel at ease. I felt perspiration soaking my shirt and I realized how nervous I am. I heard a voice upstairs, I breathed in a long and steady breath, and started going up to the first floor. First room to my right. Just a few steps away. I walked, growing even more nervous with each step. The door was partially open, I grabbed the handle and pushed it to walk in the room. I saw the person the red bikini downstairs belonged to, and I saw the person my heart belonged to.
Jasem was on top of someone. A woman. Jasem was having sex with someone.
"Jasem..." I heard my voice. It was barely a whisper.
Jasem drew back from her and turned to look at me, lifting the sheets to cover himself.
That's when I saw who he was sharing his bed with.
I couldn't believe what I saw. Could this really be happening? My boyfriend, I started screaming her name, surprising myself that I had more rage and anger towards her than towards Jasem. She quickly pulled up the white sheets to cover her naked body as well. I grabbed her by her hair and pulled her out of the bed, not caring that there was noting covering her now. I pushed her as she screamed saying how sorry she is, I looked back and Jasem was still in bed, not moving, the shock covering his face. He couldn't even say a word. I reached to the necklace he bought me two years ago and ripped it from around my neck, throwing it at him. She saw what I did and started crying, "I didn't know... I didn't... Danah I'm so sorry-" I stopped her with a slap on her face, I just couldn't tolerate anymore. She fell back, and knocked her head on the wall. It was fast, and it was hard. Her eyes were closed now.
I ran to my car, ignoring Jasem's loud calls. I started the ignition and reversed, leaving his chalet. I was never going to come here again. Driving back home, not a single tear fell down my face, I held myself strong and managed to control my emotions. I was hurt, so hurt and betrayed that I was in no state to shed a tear, which was very surprising to me. Three years of being commited to Jasem, a fraud, a lying scum bag. How could someone be so heartless?
How could Norah be so heartless?
Carpe Diem, this is for you!
Goodnight
N.-Kk
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