Mistaken Lust For Love, I Finally Had Enough Of Your Bull. What You Tryna Pull, Mami? Don't Try Me.

"You knew i was weak for love, so you wrote me love letters sweeter than a peach, you relax me like the beach Shawtyyy! Thoughts got so deep Shawtyyy... I've been gettin cold feet. Even the truth is a lie! The truth is love could be so ruthless. You is so bad, you know your so bad! But you won't be the baddest I've ever had!"
Did I mention I love this song? Did I? Did I? I do! very much so, yes. I do! ♪ ♪ ♪ <3

Another great day! ;D

I've realized that I start most of my posts by describing briefly how my day went; i.e: such a long day, good day, etc. Bleh... I don't get how I'm an English Literature major, even Ms. Q says so! :O She makes fun of some stuff I say or write. Like what, you say? Hmm... Okay, well because I've went to a British school, and she went to an American one her entire life, some of the pronounciations of the words we say may seem different. For example, the way I say the word "says" is completely different than the way she says it! And when I say mine, she'd immitate me with a British accent!!! Shakooo?! :O Humph. What else? Oh, words like: strawberries, croissants, copouns, and others as well, it's like, her ways of entertainment, she enjoys mocking me ;D

T'is okay though, tmoon ;** I just smack her head or get a quick boob grab in public to embaress her, we're like that. And for some reason, all the crazyness come out specially on Mondays and Wednesdays at Gust with us, I mean, we do go crazy on a daily bases. But the extremely high levels of stupidity, absurdity, brainlessness, idiocy, and imprudence manifest during those two days. I'm assuming it's because we spend hours in the afternoon under the sun between my 8 AM and 3.30 PM classes? It's the effect of the sun, damn it. But seriously, don't make fun of my little words here and there :( I loved the school I went to, and I'm so taking my kids there! <3
So yeah, about today! Ms. Q started hers with a date, thank you very much. I'm proud to be the first to announce that she has had one of the greatest first dates ever!
I hope she won't get pissed reading this, I'm just... Too happy for you baby! They went walking and he showed her where he lived with his family, they talked about everything and nothing <3

Oh, and he kissed her cheek goodbye, can he get any wonderful-ler? Ma3ti8id! He's a keeper, agoolaha, keep your claws on him Ms. Q! He's a catch ;D She met him at around 7 AM this morning, and came back to Gust at 10.30? Hmmm... Interesting ;p 3'a9ib ba7rijhaa! ;p She smiled all day <3 We left Gust as soon as she came, I drove to Avenues and she came with me, we had Chocolate Bar! Yum? I had waffles and she had Pasta, breakfast & lunch, hamaj. 5ala9na and we walked around for a while, looking at stores here and there, making mental notes of what to buy next time we're there.
A.T called when we were chilling at one of the million Starbucks branches there, and we decided to meet up at the beach for a walk, all three of us.

He's such a nice guy! Did I say that? Seriously, he's polite and shows so much respect! It's lovely *sniff* and Ms. Q adores him too, great friend ;D Ma 6awalna, saa3a maybe then we had to head back to Gust to we could study for our untouched I.T notes! And guess what?! We so managed to finish studying 20 minutes before class, it was Berfect! And the midterm wasn't that hard as well, we're not dildos after all.
I really hope this week goes really well, you know? We need it, we saw Mz before our midterm W KANAT MAADA BOOZHA! Why? For crying out loud, why? 7aram kserat 5a6ry awal shay, Ms. Q and I both kept asking her if something was wrong, so she'd talk and feel better? She just replied by saying no.

Okay, so you get to have the "I'm in a bad mood, and I wanna stay in a bad mood because I'm a bitch that way and it's non of y'all's business" day, I understand.
I have some of those, up to 6 or 7 seven days a month, it's normal, besides your period. Yup, I understand. But not when we're both having such a good day! I didn't wanna be selfish about it, so we stopped pressuring her into talking and kept her company until we started our midterm, we love her <3

One other thing... Something happened when we went back to Gust in the afternoon, before we started studying and everything. Again, why? :( *tears* Ms. Q and I were both making our way to the library, and it was a little crowded because of the Book Fair thingie? 3ugub ma dasheina, guess who was right infront of me? I even smelled his cologne as I passed by him looking at the ground! Kk... I HATE THE FACT THAT WE GO TO THE SAME UNIVERSITY! Ubey, when I saw him, I just died... Even Ms. Q felt the akwardness! She was like "whoa... That was akward" after we passed him as he walked out of the library. We made eye contact for like a milli second, then I had to look away. It was too painful! I thought maybe the best way to get over him fast is by avoiding Kk for the first few days? Yeah, that didn't work.

And you know what made the whole thing worse? I saw him twice after? Not from far away, but like, super close! Face to face kind of thing! :(
Cry me a river N. -Kk! But really, it just made all that overflow of powerful emotions come back... I'm obviously no where near over him...
Fuck. Make time pass by, yeah? Quick, not so slow, two years kind of quick, so I can graduate and leave Gust as well as Kk behind! Bleh...

I miss him.

Goodnight

N. -Kk

xx

Thank You For Showing Me With One Look What Used To Be & Still Is A Possibility

So again, we're at Starbucks Bidi3, Mama and I; and it's just weird how every time we're there, something odd happens! Like what, you say? Erm… How about the emo couple who were making out the other evening? And today, holy mother of the Gods of Grains! We walked in, and as usual, Mama asks me to go upstairs and reserve our usual spot-the couches at the corner looking out to the window, while she orders our usuals. We're so plain and live in this daily routine, it's not even funny. Same spot, same drinks, same books, and the list goes on! Anywho, I always seem to shift from one subject to another! *Smacks the back of her head to focus again* So yeah, I go upstairs and head to the couches, and what is the first thing I see when I reach there? THE. MOST. DISGUSTING. MOST. GROSS. THING. A human being can witness, at a very young age may I add! I'm nineteen for Fuck's sake!

Hfft, These two girls were sitting at our corner! Wait, hold up yo. That's not the vulgar part. Wait for it… Wait for it. One of them, who Lord have mercy, looked gorgeous, so why the fuck were you wearing what you were wearing? Usually, I don't judge peoples' appearances and their odd wardrobes, la t9adgoon, okay? I always do, I'm shallow and one-dimensional that way. But for real nigga, she was wearing these cotton pink shorts, and a large white t-shirt. Okay, let's start with the shorts, I wanna criticize about one thing, they look amazing if you wore them going to the beach or having a walk on a summer day. Granted, those pair 7adhum yshawgoun! <3 And I wanna buy all the colours they've got in the store law a3aref wein and I'd go home and colour coordinate them right away! But, they were too undersized and showed more skin than material! Sta3'ferellaah. No really? ;p Keifha, but still, it didn’t look civil, shda3wa civil? You think I'm over exaggerating? I swear to God I ain't!

And next, I hearted her shirt, I'd marry that shirt, I'd make babies with that shirt, I'd sleep with that shirt if I could. It looked marvelous!!!!! *clasps her hands and intertwine her fingers while looking at the sky and begs for one* 3aleiha bil 3afia, la tdamer liblouza with her whatever she's drinking drink. Athba7haaaa! Inzein, the I-wanna-hurl-part… Her thighs, man! They were so out there, I purposely halted and stopped jidamha ashkara to show her how shocked I am from what I'm observing! A7san, feel shame biatch! Inzein, enough for the complaining, let's talk about something delightful, yeah? Awesome. Ms. Q met someone today! Halleluiah ;D I've never been happier! Supposedly, I should have met her at Anjafa this morning to go walking before our classes, yeah? I overslept =/ I felt bad, but I pledged to make her have a great day, and she did! Humph, moo miny though. She spotted a guy who was obviously interested in her, by her descriptions, he seemed very yum? Yes, and so amazingly good looking!

She didn't call me or anything, but wanted to deliver the news face to face! She kept pulling and shoving me, grabbing my arm and squeezing me, with butterflies in her stomach and hearts revolving around her head like orbits! Ya7leilha, all I did was smile, laugh, and give occasional "Ay shay!", "OMG!", and "Fuck, he's hot!" terms. They kept texting all morning and afternoon <3 Good for her, thumbs up! Tistahal, I'm just glad she moved on after breaking up with her boyfriend, he was obviously no good for her, and she definitely deserves so much better! This guy seems to meet her criteria, at least I think so, let's just keep our fingers crossed, wait and see ;D What else? Oh, I'm getting fucked by American Politics! Thanks, total rape, yo. Real bad, I lost count of the chapters we've been studying for a few weeks ago? W 8adamt poop in my last quiz, after starting this semester so positively and full of hard work, damn it! But I shall catch up, and I shall get a respectable grade, or I shall fuck him up in his office, that tiny professor, with Ms. Q's help. PartnerInCrime<3 Too gay? I just loB her. I met F. my ex today, so he'd tutor me Algebra? That didn't go well, poor guy. I honestly pitty F., he tried so fucking hard to make me understand. It was a test of patience, and he obviously passed it. I'm such a dildo, a bimbo, a vibrator, and all of those synonyms that go with wei3? Ee. W ba3ad? I was supposed to do my Presentation, yeah? I'm doing it right now! Yaay? 7ada!

I'm almost done, not really? Just wishful thinking! But I will, I'ma finish it before going to bed. My partner called a while ago, asking how everything was going, and I told her that I'm almost done? White lie? I just didn't wanna upset her, lana she's such a hard worker! So yeah, I'm working on it now. And blogging! <3 I'm just about to finish… Inshalla ;D A.T called, and we talked for a while, we might be walking his dog tomorrow by the beach. But I wanted to wear a dress tomorrow!  I guess I won't. Or maybe change right after? We shall see! I'm making such a biggie out of my wardrobe, madree leish! I don't usually care about the outfit I'ma be wearing the next day. Blehh… Inzein, Shaklee baroo7 anam! I wanna sleeeeeeeb! But A.T's still on the phone, ya7leila! He's nice, suwalfa 7elwa. It's obvious he seems still nervous, cute… 9a7? <3 Ee, so uni at 7 AM tomorrow, class at 8 for the presentation shiziet! Then meeting Ms. Q to print our I.T papers 3ashan nadres i9'eher, then off to mamsha and walk! Yaay! Can't wait ;D Inshala good day, we'll see.

Inzein, 5ana5ali9 shi3'lee now, yeah? And I really hope it's good! It's about Robert Frost, and his poem Mending Wall, dude it's very complicating and to make matters worse, it's at 8 AM! Meaning, my mood's gonna be shitty, so I'm gonna be in desperate need for caffeine!

Aight, good night.

N.-Kk

xx

And By The End Of The Night I'ma Have You So Fucked Up

Song of the day: Paradiso Girls - Patron Tequila

Very unproductive day! Honest to God, I had the intentions of waking up at 9.30 AM and studying my ass off until the minute I'd go to sleep tonight, gilt ba5ali9 my presentation for American Lit. and do my Algebra homework! Did I do any of those? Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zero! So this is how my day started; Ms. Q called and woke me up, saying that she's having lunch with her family and coming over right after. I half expected her to say that, since she can't stand the fact that I'm away from her for more than 48 hours. She loves me. Thanks. Ms. Q, if you're reading this, stop being in denial, you know just as much as I do that you larv me, we're beyond that point in our relationship, it's not my ego speaking, really. You do, end of story! But no worries MyLady, I do as well, so there <3

Ilmuhim, I woke up, washed up, and got dressed while she had her lunch and drove over here. She didn't have to be all formal, call, and tell me she's outside, Ms. Q walked in through the kitchen door, and came up to my room after saying hello to my brothers. I opened the door for her and welcomed her with a "We're going to Starbucks 3dailiya to study." She agreed right away by saying "I knew that!", I laughed, grabbed my laptop, bag, and walked out my room. We drove away our neighbourhood, but before leaving the area, I took her so she'd see the house of one of my neighbours! He lived a few seconds away from us, a corner at the end of the street. I told her how I met him, it happened when I was groccery shopping the other day. Kint tawni 6al3a min Starbucks and I headed to the co-op to grab some last minute stuff dad usually forgets to buy whenever he goes for his weekly groccery shopping routines. I was in the Dairy Products department, when I spotted a guy behind me with his own 3arabaana buying all sorts of things.

It was obvious he was getting food and supplies for a family, 3arabaanta was almost full. It was amusing, I love it when I see young men shopping for their families, but I immediately thought he was married, madree leish. Then why has he been behind me all this time? Coincedence? I didn't wanna seem too confident, so I just continued getting what I needed. Again, still, he was always around, either on the same isles I'm in, adding chocolate bars or at other departments filling up his cart. Eventually, I went to the casheir, a7aasib wamshee, thankfuly, the lady finished her job quickly, and I was able to pay and leave. But just before walking out, I look to my left, and I see the same dude 7aasibing as well, mashaala, perfect timing much? Lol, he was cute, I have to admit, and the whole shopping for his familu thing is some points well scored, let me tell you. I smiled to myself and walked to my car, deliberately taking my time to see when he'd leave the co-op and head to his car. SLutty? No, come on. Innocent until proven guilty, I wasnt obvious at all, kilish *Looks up at her non-existent halo and giggles* Anywho, so I get in my car and wait for a couple of minutes for it to heat up. Who am I kidding? My eyes were glued to the door of the co-op to see when the dude leaves, ma 9aarat, shda3wa shaaree kil ijam3iya? I waited some more, forcing myself to believe that my car needed even more time to warm up.

Bleh... Finally, I reversed and drove out of the parking area. After leaving, I took the first U-turn on my left to head to my place a couple of blocks away. Where suddenly!!!!!!! Yup, you guessed it! I see him! Holy mother of shit... A Tawareq, next to me, about to U-turn as well, I still didn't look who was inside, I don't know why I felt like I had this urge to turn my head to the right and look at the driver of the car, yup, it was him! The irony of the whole situation! I waited for more than five minuted, which seemed so much longer while I was at it, expecting him to get out at any given moment; and when I finally give up, and drive away, he's right there next to me! Ahhh, shoot me. He's too cute! Was it just my imagination? Was I acting too desperate? I barely looked again, not wanting to seem very "out there" and plain transparent. So yeah, I reach the block before mine, and drove in there, realizing he was still behind me. Two options were circling in my head, he either lives close by next to my place, or he's being this really adorable jerk who's following me home? Rude much? Madree...

Fa gelt, let me play this game. Ba7oos wa7oos for a few minutes around the neighbour hoods and we'll see where it will get us, I was sure he'd get bored eventually and drive away. He didn't, I went to the small fer3 in that block and and did as well, he parked his car, walked in and left a minute later. Anyways, one thing led to another, and he had the nerve to come up to me and introduce himself! The balls! If he wasnt cute and super gentleman-ish the whole time, I would've killed him. But no, he was nice, and surprisingly, had a very good sense of humour! So we talked for a while, he told me that he always shops in this co-op since it's close to his house, he turned out to be living a few houses away from me! He laughed at the whole situation, us living next to each other, 3'a9ib neighbours ;p Then I did something completely stupid! We exchanged numbers, I wasn't interested in him that way... Not really, I mean he seemed nice and all, but I just didn't find that thing, that quality I liked in men. Nevertheless, I felt that it would be cool to get to know him, and we'd eventually be good friends.

I never met any of my neighbours after moving in, so this was nice. Hal 7achy 9ar a few days ago, and since then, we'd text and call occasionally to say hello, no biggies, no pressure, he wasn't forward at all, bil 3ags, he seemed extremely friendsly and mature, no cursing and very respectful. Despite the shyness and the I'm-nervous-and-I'm-trying-to-make-conversations vibe, he talked about himself and I got to know him a little better. He'll go by the name A.T, so yeah... Back to today. After leaving 3dailiya, Ms. Q and I felt like going for a walk ib Mamsha il Surra, madree leish, we didn't even know where it was -.- But what the hell, yeah? We'd find it soone or later. As I was driving around looking for it, A.T called, I asked Ms. Q to answer the phone since I was too busy driving and spoting any living creature walking in a training suit and assume that we're there already. We're such dildos, so she answers the phone and they started talking, she immediately got a good first impression of him, ya7leila he was nice and didnt act all formal and akward because a friend of mine answered the phone.

He later on asked where we were, and she told him that we're looking for il mamsha biSurra, and what does he say? No, really... What does he say? "Oh, leish ma geltooly? I wouldve asked you to take H. my dog to walk with you guys, you like dogs, dont you? Ofcourse you do!" and the way he said it, he was so enthusiastic about it, it was cute! She asked me whether or not I fancied the idea, I didn't mind really, I mean.. It's safe, mamsha ya3ni, and he wouldn't kill us. So I agreed, and at that point, Ms. Q was ecstatic! LOL I was just glad she was happy. So I went over to his place, and we took H., his dog. That thing was big, yo! Like... Humongous, not even. Ms. Q was all like :O "Shit, dude he's a bear!" I laughed at her facial expressions and looked at the dog, he really was huge. But in a good way, he seemed very friendly and hearted Ms. Q right away. A.T didnt join us, because he has just gotten home to take a shower, get dressed and head back to his friend in the hospital, since he was looking after him for a few days. Sweet, yeah? 7ada! So we reached our destination, thank Goodness, and started walking. H. was so quiet! It wasnt even funny! He's a big ass dog for crying out loud! Leish may6ali3 wala 9out? Too awesome, I started to like him too. We walked for about half an hour, and it started to get too hot, for us and for H. so we headed back to A.T's place to drop him. The entire ride home, H. was laying down occupying all of the back seats, chilling, while the windows were rolled down and he loved the music we had on! LOL He didn't show it or anything, but he didn't seem to mind the loud music <3 As soon as we got to our neighbourhood, I helped H. out of the car, he seemed so lazy and light headed, might be from the heat, poor guy. A.T thanked us and asked me whether or not we had a good time with his dog, it really was fun, and I definately appreciated the fact that H. didnt drool, pooped, or pissed on my back seats. I didn't tell A.T that, thinking he'd believe I'm moo 9a7ya, so I just told him that we enjoyed his company, and Ms. Q wanted to do it more often.

He replied by saying that he was sure H. loved the walk as well, and he'd love to do it again anytime soon. We said our goodbyes and headed back home after my mother called, we walked in, washed up, and hung out with her for a while. Ms. Q hasnt seen her in days, so they catched up while I finished washing up. We spent the next hour in my room talking about the randomest shit <3 I tried studying after she left, but I seriously wasnt in the mood for any reading or writing. Blehh... I feel guilty for wasting a perfectly good weekend! I decided to skip my Maths quiz, since I was told that it's okay to drop one of them? But F. wouldnt let me! I said that I wouldnt have the time to meet him so he'd tutor me but he wasnt convinced and managed to convince me otherwise. Wei3, I have so much on my plate! I'ma just drop dead tomorrow, and I'm blogging, seriously? I just wanna go to sleep, Ms. Q said she couldn't sleep, tfaker feeny adree. She's so see through! We've decided to meet up tomorrow at 8 AM to walk at the beach, then she'd head to her class while I get ready at home then head to Gust as well. I pray to God I'll be up by then and start the day well. Inshalla, I need this week to be okay and flow well, malee 5ilg drama and chaos! But you know how Gust is, mehh... Keeping my fingers crossed w inshalla 5air.

P.S. F. told me about this must-read novel, it looks great, I've done some research about it and I think I'ma order it from Amazon.com since they don't have it in Kuwait, madree leish. But yeah, I recommend it, the novel's called House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. For those of you whole like reading about Ergodic Literature.
I'm not lame, yeah? I just like reading, a huge fanatic and proud, thanks. Aight, yo.

Good night

N.-Kk

xx

You Don't Say...?

Okay, so I've realized that I really am a pessimistic person, and what's even worse is when someone point blank says it to your face. It's like, shit, I wish the ground would just open and devour me! I didn't appreciate the feeling, nor the fact that that person said it -.- What else? Yes, I really truly feel like it7il6iming about random horse crap, I'm just in that mood. And what better way to let it out than blogging? God bless the person who created this website, oh and let's not forget Ms. Q for introducing me to it, I larv you. Oh, so you Day 26? They have this really good song, actually it's a couple.. "Get Away Girl" and "Truth Is A Lie"! They're so fucking good, it's not even funny! I'm just hooked on the beat, and Ms. Q added them in her CD, which doesnt get out of my car, thanks. Again, I larv you.

I havent seen her today at all, which is weird... Not is a lesbionic kind of way, even though people actually believe that we're dating. Oh well, they can all take their rumours and shove iit up their buttockses or howevere you spell the word. Apparently, I dumped Sn (a friend of mine whom people think that I'm dating) just because I hooked up with Ms. Q! Ya3ni... 5ali9at kil il ishaa3at? For crying out loud, cant two girls spend their whole hours at uni together, skip the same classes to share a Turkey Pannini, go to eachother's houses when we leave Gust, go to the beach before our classes together, pick eachother up, eat KitKat and drink orange juices, talk about our periods, our always-seems-to-be-downhill-relationships, have car accidents together, drink from the same frappuccinos, and study together? Seriously. Savages. Again, not in a lesbionic way, really. Even our mothers started to doubt our so called friendship at some point, un fucking believable!

Anyways, what was I saying? So mom decides to go and do some of our work at Starbucks Bidi3 today, yeah? Just before I parked the car, she asked me to call Ms. Q and see if she'd wanna join us for coffee and maybe study a bit? I didn't think twice about it, I called her and she picked up right away, this is how the conversation went.

Ms. Q: Hellloooooo -said in a I'm singing a hello to you baby kind of hello-
Me: Wainich? -7adee baarda-
Ms. Q: Home?
Me: Meet me at Bidi3 now?
Ms. Q: No?
Me: Why?
Ms. Q: Because I just got back home..
Me: Oh okay. -I'd give her a puppy face and beg if she'd see my face, but no.-
Ms. Q: Yup.
Me: Inzein, yalla injal3ay.
Ms. Q: Bye.
Me:...

And I hang up, 7mara, I missed her today.

So we walked in, yeah? And the way people stare, I mean sheesh, really? What's even gross is that it wasnt just men staring, but women too. Like why??? Kafee il jaw araf, you wanna make my day worse? Do you all organise a meeting and vote for the best day to ruine my mood? ALong with the fucked up weather? No. I don't need it *Spots the first corner, crawls up and positions her self like a fetus, and cries* We got our coffees and headed upstairs, it was empty except for a group of three at one of the corners. They were obviously friends, two guys and a girl, kilhum dressed in black with black eye liner and long black hair. yuck much? Wait, I'm not done, they were all wearing like "We worship the devil" kind of accessories, laughing and talking loudly. Ana 9i3adt gabil umi so I checked out the wa9'3 just before she reached the top floor, 3ala ma staw3abt what the fuck was happening, mom was behind me. Umi la tshoof hal ashkaal! Her first reaction was so out of place and transparent, she scared ME! She was like "Whooaa... Eish hatha?" I didn't respond, and we just stood there, like two children staring at monsters, 3abadat ishaya6een was how my mother referred to them.

During the couple of hours we spent there, we laughed and rolled our eyes at so many things the group would do! Oh, get this! Two of the started making out! Seriously?! Mom was giving them her back, so I couldn't see all of them, bas faj2a while I was facing mom, I noticed two... heads... moving right next to each other sorta and like back and forth in the same direction? I honestly don't know how to describe it to you, but please try to have the same image in your heads. I was weirded out, kint bashoof what in the world was going on. I repositioned myself in the couch to pretend to be more comfortable, and glanced at them, what were they doing?! Yup, exchanging salive and lip locking, TONGUE WAS INVOLVED LET ME TELL YOU! Ana 9ar feeny :O :O :O but I couldn't tell mama 'cause she'd most probably say something like "Sta3'ferellah! Ita8oo Allah! What Dizz??" so I stayed quiet, just screamed inside.

That, I will never forget; it was exteremely disturbing, get a fucking emo room! Shit, okay I respect the fact that you guys are obviously together, but making out infront of your friend who I'm sure felt like a third wheel 'cause he was quiet most of the time, really? Or how you're not respecting the culture you're in, make out.. Keifkum! It's a free country after all, just not in public like that, 3aib... W gabilha bishway, a middle aged couple came to the same floor to have their coffees, w shafouhum and looked at me. ANA ste7ait! Walla fashla, ya3ni 7aram inshalla moo ashkara chithy! Hfft, I don't wanna sound rediculiously old fashioned and extreme, but for real yo, that's just plain wrong. 7amdella, they left a few minutes later and I had teh liberty to dish to mama all about it, she didn't let it pass by, talking about how it's disrespectful, I don't blame her in all honesty.

And the jaw is hfft-ish, did I mention that earlier?

What else? My cosine's having her birthday party today witha bunch of her friends, she invited me and a couple of my friends, but non of us went, both are obviously not interested, I'm not entirely surprised, that person is such a "I love you when I want something and I don't believe that you exist when you dont benefit me in any way possible?" You know those people? Yeah, she changed so much, even her mother noticed, alla yahdeeha, I miss the old her. So let me tell you about this Starbucks guy, yeah? Kila aroo7 Starbucks Jabreya whenever I feel like studying alone, so about a week ago, I took my laptop, text books, and the rest of my belongings and made my way to a table at the corner. 7a6eit a3'ra9'ee w ge3adt alone after grabbing my coffee. I noticed this guy, not old, not young, about my age or older in a few, sitting alone as well and studying. It's just so adorable when I see a guy sitting alone at Starbucks and reading, law inshalla jareeda, moo ila studying, I bit a smile and opened my books.

Kil shhway, when I look up, ashoofa and he'd be looking at me, but as soon as I'd spot it, he'd turn away or look down at his books? He had a good body, and was very good looking, not exteremely hot, but the sort of face ilee artaa7la, you just know that he seems like he's a good person. Il muhim, we both continued studying and having on going coffee fixes. Idmaan! Radeit il beit laman 5ala9t, the next day after I left Gust and headed to Starbucks, he was there as well, and the next, and the next. Shfeeh hatha? Ashkara he noticed that I'm doing the same thing and is most probably asking himself the same question, shtaby? It's my branch! Go away! Kalb, you're cute. Fa ilmuhim, tara ma 3andee salfa, I'm just blabbering again ;D

Abee Ms. Q tiyee bacher, but I don't wanna tell her, bashoof itha tdig w ta3zim roo7ha, just like the old days <3

Oh, and about me being a pessimist, okay. Ms. Q says I'm the queen of sarcasm, when F my ex and I talk on the phone, he says that I don't laugh anymore, and that I've apparently "changed". A few people say inee amed boozy bijam3a, and mama says I act like a forty year old? As opposed to the nineteen year old I really am? Wei3, why do people say these things? I'm a very happy person, thank you. I might have a dry sense of humor where I joke around and not laugh so much, but that doesnt mean I'm grumpy and messed up in the head! Where's a cliff when you need one, damn it? 7adee day5a, I really need some sleep, 3andee so much for next Monday. American Lit. presentation about Robert Frost, a Maths quiz, and an Computer midterm, might as well just grab a baseball bat and beat myself up. I'ma die on Monday, nevertheless, I shall be wearing a skirt, so I can die looking semi-pretty? I hope. Stitch, you better spot me, 'cause I never, ever wore a dress at Gust! You can't get more obvious than that!

Mm... So okay. I'ma sleeB now, yeah? Long day tomorrow, I'ma try to do the presentation and go over the Computer poop. 3ashan af9'a for Maths on Sunday, F. is tutoring me, I hope that goes well, ya36eeh alf 3afia ;D

P.S. I had this delicious fruit salad at Paul, Avenues this morning, w 7adee mishtahya more now? Yum? 7ada <3

Good night

N.-Kk

xx

Goodbye...

Last night, just after posting about how it all ended with Kk, I did something completely stupid. I still dont know what on earth was I thinking... Why the fuck did I do what I did? Madree, I'm just an ass that way, who's completely head over heels for this guy! I copy and pasted the post and sent it to him as an email? With an extra paragraph showing how I only wished him the best, and I'll pray for him to stay happy and safe. It just broke my heart... I didnt expect a reply, I actually asked him not to for the sake of just letting it be, so it could just end... But he did, he replied less than an hour later. This is what he said:

"I have to !! You brought my tears down like never before :) Don't reply, please please don't. Just, Tears!! Good bye."

I saw him in the West parking lot today as soon as I arived at Gust, he was leaving with his friend. It killed me, reading that is so hard. If only things were different... That's all. No long post tonight :)

Goodnight

N.-Kk

xx

But This Journey, It Was Worth The Fight, To Be With You

One of the worst days... Honest to God. I was not expecting the events of today occuring so rapidly and intensely waking up this morning. So I went to bed at around 7 PM last night, yeah? I didn't even bother to adjust my alarm knowing that I'd wake up in an hour or so.. The last thing I did before sleeping was texting Kk, we've been texting all day and I told him that I'd be talking to him when I wake up. Did I wake up? Yeah, you bet. When? 5 AM this morning, dude.. Who sleeps for that long? It's not normal.. And I had the weirdest feeling too! It was like... Sunny-ish, and for some reason, my clock stopped working, my phone was somewhere on my bed but I didn't bother looking for it. Not knowing what time it was panicked the shit out of me! 'Cause I went to bed when it was already dark and the sun set an hour earlier!
I was standing half a second later and sort of figgiting and hopping in my spot hoping miraciously that a clock would appear! I found my phone and it was 5 AM. I was confused, did I sleep all night 'til the morning? Obviously. Kint mgafla, don't judge me.

I looked at the 4 msgs I've recieved, from friends and nothing from Kk. It wasnt like I was expecting anything from him, still though... So I sent him a msg saying that I slept the whole night. "Msg Pending". His Blackberry was off, ofcourse, it's his signature move, it's off most of the time. Hfft. Even though it wasnt, he wouldnt reply early, akeed nayim. I woke up, had a really cold shower 3ashan a9a79i7, and went to Jabriya's mamsha at around 6.30 AM. As soon as I got back, I had orange juice and a quick bite before washing up and getting ready for Gust. That's when Kk sent a "Mashallah good morning, how was your long sleep?" message. Another long day ahead, I prayed to God nothing bad or drama-ish would happen. My prayer was not answered... I was late for my first class, 20 minutes late and I sent Kitten a msg asking the professor to leave the door of the class open so I could ala7ig. By the time I got there, I was told class was canceled! Al7een 6aayra w 7altee 7aala w I parked in the first spot I found a5rat'ha moo yaay?

Pissed the fuck out of me. Whatever, I saw the girls sitting at the North couches on the first floor and I joined them. Their majesties were being all princess-y, one was applying lotion on her arms and legs, the other was working hard with her BrightPinkNailPolish! They both looked so beautiful <3 I smiled a good morning and squeezed myself between them. We talked for a few, then went to our classes untill 1 PM. During my 12 PM class, I sent Kk a message asking if he was done with his classes. He was, and asked me if I had anything in mind. I did... I replied by asking him to meet me at my favorite spot in the beach, so I left my class, told the girls that I had to run some "errands" and drove there to meet him. I didn't know why I asked him to, honestly I didn't want to really think about it or analyse whatever was going on. I just did it. As soon as I saw him, he was still in his car and we got out and walked in the sand area, he complained about the sand, so adorable ;p

I asked him to stop whining and follow me, he was so surprised of the view. The beach was right there, a few feet away from him. It was so obvious he fell in love with the place, the light breeze sort of completed the perfection of the secluded place. We spotted a couple of men, one had his car all the way in and managed to pass the sand all the way to the tip of the beach, the other was standing far away. We found a comfortable spot of rocks to sit on, he still complained about the sand in his slippers and eventually took them off to be more comfortable.
Finally, he stopped, and to my wonderment, started to appreciate the beauty of the sea infront of him. It looked so clean and pure, aqua blue-hard to believe-I know. The waves were crashing on the rocks, it was all so seductive and breath taking.
He couldnt blame me for calling it my favorite spot; sursprisingly, it wasnt very hot despite the high sun at 1.30 PM.

We talked about university, friends, his experiences back in the States, and other random conversations here and there. We both wanted to get closer to the beach, so we approached it, and while he was dipping his toes in the cold water, I managed to find a couple of big rocks to sit on. As soon as we sat, he put his right arm around my shoulder, squeezed my neck and teased about how skinny I was compared to him. I felt so safe, like I belonged there, like it was my sanctuary. I loved it. We just stayed there, just like that, not talking as much, looking out, there were a few guys jet-skiing, one of them actually waved! Ya7leilhum! ;p Our phones rang, but we didn't bother to pick them up. We recieved messages, but we still didnt grab them. We didn't need any distractions. This was too beautiful for anything or anyone to interfere. Ms. Q was calling me, and even though I knew she was mad for being late, I knew she'd understand once I told her I was with Kk. As we got more quiet, he looked at me, he placed my head gently on his shoulder wanting me to be even more comfortable.

If only he knew how amazing this felt for me, I didn't wanna say anything, he might get scared and the moment will just be ruined. As if he was reading my mind, he asked how I was feeling. I just smiled and looked at him, he knew how incredible this all was. And for a few moments, we were able to forget about everything, Gust, friends, familes, responsibilities, I dind't want it to end. Just then, he bent in and kissed my forehead and cheek. My heart melted right there, in my spot, this man is killing me, he held me tighter and played with my fingers. As if he got the green light, he got a little closer and kissed me, so soft and fast, it felt very natural, I didn't comment, did I have a choice? I couldn't talk. It was so mesmerizing that I was completely speechless, I quickly looked down not being able to meet his gaze.
Moo 3an sti7eit or anything, I just didn't know what to say so I felt like the best thing to do is to shut up and look down. He laughed at me, jackass <3

And then came the unexpected...

"You know what's so wrong about this?" He asked me, it was definetely a retorical question so I stayed quiet looking up at him. He took a few moments, with a very serious face as if trying to find the exact right words to continue.. Oh boy, I knew we'd have to talk about it sooner or later. I just hoped it would be later... And not here. Not in my favorite place, but I couldnt interupt Kk and ask him to be quiet. "Its that I lecture her and yell whenever she stays up all night outside the house or the going to places I dont like, or whatever, and here I am." I gave him a questionable look, asking him to go on. "With another person doing tthe things I don't like her doing, being a complete hypocrate. Who does that? 9ij 7ayawan, I don't know what I'm doing..." I hated him for cussing himself, I didn't want him to feel the way he's feeling, he's too much of a good person to feel this way.

Without saying anything, he went on saying how confused he is, and what sort of a place he got all three of us in. He hated it, it was pretty obvious. Kk didn't need to write it down for me, he was lost, I was lost, and his girlfriend does not know what's going on. We always ended up in this situation, realizing that we're doing the wrong thing, he wasn't faithful, and I was definetely not helping him. I'm just so selfish, why am I making things worse? Why can't I just accept the fact that Kk and I will never be together? That he belongs with someone else? Things shouldnt be like this, if things go bad between them because of whatever's happening right now, I won't be able to live with it. With the fact that I was responsible for this innocent girl to become so miserable and upset because of this... Whatever it is... We're back in square one.

After talking for a few days, and everything was okay, we go back to where we started; doubt, guilt, and so much more. I felt my eyes burning, I couldnt fence in the tears, I didn't wanna cry infront of him. It won't make things easier for neither of us. He decided on doing something that's completely ludecrious."I want you to promise me something, I want you to not be upset, to make everything okay after I do this, when you see me at Gust, dont show that you're sad." I was quiet, too scared to hear more of this... "When you leave here, don't drive fast to your class, don't do anything stupid or drastic." Shit. What the fuck is he planning on doing? "Don't worry, I'm not doing anything stupid." That was a relief to me, I breathed out. "What are you planning on doing?" I finally asked. He bent and got behind me to grab his keys on the rock. As if I read his thoughts, I jumped as a quick reflex. "You're not serious... Moo min 9ijik, just like that...?" I asked him. He wanted to leave... Just like that... No goodbye, no closure, no nothing, just leaving me... In my favorite spot in the world.

I yelled his name out loud and he just stood there. He got closer and held my hand. "It's the only way. I can just leave and you'll forget about it." Fuck no, this is not ending the way it is! 3'ala6! How the fuck are we supposed to get closure like this? 9a7ee? I wanted to drop my hand from his and scream to his face, I wanted to hit him so hard so he'd feel the effect of his harsh words. I wanted to hug him and never let him go, I wanted him to understand how it feels being me... I was so glad I didn't cry, strength and stability was the image I wanted to give to him right then, I wanted him to know I was strong enough. He looked at me. "3ayal shtabeeny asawee?! How the hell am I supposed to act? 3a6eeny i8tiraa7, ay shay! Anything that make sense!" he yelled back. I was so scared, not from his loud voice, no. But because I knew where this was going... I had to give him up, I had to, for her... "Dont just leave like this, atleast have some respect and curtosy to finish what you've started, you wanna end whatever is going on, do it right, damn it." I said.

He didn't move an inch, just looked away at the sea. "Look at me." I continued, it was barely a whisper, but loud enough for him to face me again. He was so close I could hear his breaths on me, I'm gonna miss this... Kk is one in a million, I didn't wanna look at someone else when he's around me. He's me. That's how I wanted it to be, forever. But it's just not possible, we had to face it, deal with it, and end it. He offered to walk me to my car, I looked at him so blankly, no expressions that said anything on my face. I managed to pull of a cold face. Without another word, I picked up my keys and cell phone from the same rock he had his belongings and walked away to my car. He queitly managed to catch up to me... "Don't be angry, don't be like this." he said as he walked right next to me.

"Mu m3a9baaaaaaa Kk!" I answered. Shit, I didn't wanna be that loud, it was disrespectful, I hated being rude to him! "Yeah you are, shiftay shloun you picked up your keys and walked away from me? Shiftay shloun ga3da t9ar5een?" He asked.
"Ee ya3ni how do you expect me to react? You wanted to just leave me there!" I pointed to the spot we've spent the past hour and a half in. We stopped walking and turned back to looked at the beach. I stayed quiet, "This was it, this was it..." I thought in my head. I noticed a guy approaching our direction, he held a bag, maybe coming to fish, that made me continue walking. We got to the parking area, it was just our cars there, no one elses. "This was it, this was it..." I thought again.
After unlocking my car a few feet away, Kk rushed to open my door for me, I got in and turned the car, he still didn' close the door. Kk just stood there looking at me, I didn't say anything, I just didn't know what I had to do, was this really happening? I wish I'd take it back, asking to meet him here, if we didn't meet up today, this wouldnt be happening. Who was I kidding? It was bound to happen... He got closer and bent towards me, "So what now?" I asked.

"Now is it, we just stop." I don't understand how he could just say that, without even looking at me. "How could you?" I asked in my head. I didn't say it out loud because I knew it would hurt him.
He hated the fact that I always think he's cold and doesnt care about my feelings, I knew otherwise, but sometimes I just say it. I don't remember how we said our goodbyes... But we did. He smiled, it was such a beautiful smile, so carefree, mashallah 3aleih hal insaan. The way he's stable, so kept together, it was incredible. I felt like shit compared to him, having my tears fighting to roll down my cheeks, and my heart beating so fast. What's wrong with me? Leish chithy? Why do I get so emotional? I shouldnt... Not even for him. I asked him to get even closer, I wanted to smell him for the last time, to hold him and feel him, Kk bent even more and I put my arms around his neck. "You're gonna be alright, yeah? Okay?" he asked as I held him tighter and tighter. I wanted to take a picture of this image, for it to last forever. I couldnt. I didn't answer him, just nodded my head. I let go of Kk... "Goodbye" he said. I just looked at him, "This was it, this was it... It's for her." I said to myself for the last time. I pulled the door handle and managed to close the door with his help, I didn't even have the energy to close it myself, whats wrong with me?

I wore my seatbelt and stared at the sand, while he got into his car w sha3'alha. One tear fell down my eye, I prayed to God he didn't see it.
So I reversed and rushed out of the parking reaching the traffic light to take a U-Turn to go back to Gust before he left the parking. I turned the AC on, no music though, I wasn't in that mood at all. Ms. Q called me again, the last thing I wanted to do was to talk to someone right now. But I had to, I owed her that much, already mit2a5ra 3aleiha 45 minutes. "I'm on my way." I said with no hellos or introductions. I got to Gust 15 minutes later because of za7mat Salwa, and managed to find a good parking spot after entering the West Gate. Ms. Q and Mz were waiting for me by the couches on the first floor at West, I faked a smile and said hello, they knew something was wrong. Sub7anallah y7esoon, but stayed quiet and didn't ask me any questions respecting the space and time I needed. Ms. Q gave me the "we'll-talk-about-it-later" look. I nodded, and the day went on, I didn't go to my English Literature class, adree mara7 arakiz and I just wasnt in the mood really.

So we ordered Subway after dropping Mz to her class, we took our sandwhiches and orange juices and headed back to the West couches. We talked about it, I just had to let it off my chest, she didn't comment, I didnt want her to, I just wanted her to listen. So that's what she did. I was driving back home at around 5.30 when F. called me, I answered and we talked for a few minutes. I was focusing on the road rather than listening to him, he also felt something wrong and asked me if everything was okay. I replied saying yes. The last person I needed to talk to about having feelings for Kk is my ex, it was just wrong. I got back home and closed the phone saying that I'll talk to him later on today.

That's the end of him... I dont know how its gonna be from tomorrow.
What if I bump into Kk at Gust?
What if someday I see him somewhere?
What if I missed him too much?

I fell in love with this person, and I didn't say it to him. I couldn't.... And that's that.

Good night

N.-Kk

xx

We’re Holding Time In Our Hands & It Stops When We Say.. And We Ain’t Stopping ’Til The Morning Light!

So get this, I have an American Lit. midterm tomorrow, and I didn't touch shit. Yeah? Nothing, naada. Ma medany! Such a crazy day... And to top all of it, the midterm is at 8, so I won't have time to cover everything! But the good thing is, I rarely skip that class, maybe twice this course, and I memorize just about everything the professor talks about in class, so I think I'm safe? Score? I hope. Inshalla 5air.

What else?

Today was chilled during the afternoon, Kitten and I decided to go to Starbucks bil bidi3 during our break at one to study, and it was pouring cats and dogs while we were walking in! I loved the smell of the rain <3 Gi3adna saa3a, then we had to head back after getting gas 3and Liblajat. Kitten was saying hello to the guy who was filling up the tank, she asked him what his name was, madree leish m6ay7a il miyana, guess what he told her! Oh my Goodness, you'll never know! He's like... "3abood :D" Ana hnee 9ar feeny... "You've gotta be shitting me!" Mdale3 nafsaaaaa! Holy mother of shit! Who does that? LOL It was too funny, Kitten was laughing like crazy!

Oh and I've noticed something, I don't know why, but any person who sits on the passenger's seat dances in my car! How dare you think I'm a liar? :O I'm dead serious! First, it was Ms. Q, then Kitten this afternoon, the Fz my best friend tonight! Oh and my brother K. this morning on our way to Gust! It's crazy! They're either all psycho and loco, or there's something wrong with the seat, goving off Dance Vibes. I don't know. What else? I'm blaberring... Oh Oh! Stitch! Dude, everyone was wearing yellow today! So many girls, and most had their hair covered, so I wasn't able to identify you! Hfft. This sucks tomatoes -.- Kk didn't come to Gust today, he had plans with a few of his team members, we kept texting most of the day though, things are cool.. I guess we're adjusting to the "just being friends" part. I don't know, it's still not clear enough...

I took Fz to this place at the beach when we finished having lunch at Maki in Marina Waves! Dude, the beach was awesome! You have to check it out, you know that new restaurant awal il Blajaat that's called 9anawbar chena? The big grey one? Yeah, go in their parking but like turn left, and there's this huge area of mountains of sand! There's a beach behind it, I managed to park my car a few feet from the sea! It was amazing, and the sun was setting, so gorgeous! We just sat there for a few minutes before heading home, 7maara I wanted to study for my midterm that I'm having tomorrow, but she was craving for Maki's salad and I just couldnt say no <3 The food was good too! I usually hate Sushi, but I have no idea what that woman ordered, I ate so much, yimkin lanee kint you3ana and I just had two cups of coffee since I woke up. Madree..

We drove around after sitting at the beach, w laman wi9alna dewar il Bidi3, just before I turned, we had our windows down because of the beautiful weather, and this dude told Fz "Waaaay law ag3ad b7i9'nich bas!" Who says that?!!! Min 9eja?! LMAO! I died laughing, madree shloun I was able to drive after that! Fz was obviously very disturbed and violated! Her face turned red! LOL We had fun today, her and I <3 Aham shay leil7een moo nayma, it's 11.30 and I have to wake up at 4 AM to revise! Bullocks, alla yaster bas. Mishtahya Fries... Then maybe a Brownie with vanilla icecream? Nice combo, ey? I know, I'm gross that way. But they're both so delicious! My weakness... <3 Inzein, ma 3andee salfa. I really should continue "Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud"! Inshalla, a5ali9 from these midterms bas, 'cause I want the next part to be really good! Hmm... Inshalla. Alrighty then, I'm off to bed.

P.S: F. called about an hour ago, and said that I'm confusing him lately, sending mixed signals, sometimes I show that I'm agreeing on starting over, and other times, I'm this cold N.-Kk he can't identify. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose, and it's been really chaotic a5er fatra, so I can't deal with fixing anything right now, I just want him to get that, I hope he did after tonight.

Goodnight

N.-Kk

xx

Karma's A Bitch

So I've been hooked on a couple of songs the last few days... I hate it when that happens. Honest to God, I was not able to focus during my English Lit. midterm today because of the songs! First off, who the fuck has midterms on a Saturday afternoon? Seriously? No. Unacceptable. But did I have a choice? Hell no. The songs are "Ooh Aah" by Colby O'Donis and "Put Your Records On" By Corinne Bailey Rae. I love her, she's so talented, and the simplicity of her music is so breath taking <3 So yeah, let me tell you the sort of fucked day I've had. Goes to show you karma's a bitch, but I didn't do ANYTHING WRONG! I DON'T THINK I DID! Hfft. Ms. Q and I decide to meet up at Gust at 9.30 sharp, yeah? No. Her car was messed up w t2a5erat, but just for a few minutes, I was determined to not let anything ruine my day. She showed up, not at Gust though, at Mishref Co-op, and from there, we drive to Gust seperately after grabbing Breakfast Take out.

We drive all the way over there, and guess what happens? No guess, no *giggles* guess! Shit, you suck. I have a flat tyre, no really. Wei3, yeah? And the way it happened, shit I got scared shitless, but the good thing is, it happened 3and soor Gust so I managed to stop the car for a few seconds, then drove in to park next to Ms. Q! She opens her door and gets out, looks at my car with a :O Face. Thanks, I didn't need that, just to make things worse, yup. Nope. I didn't know what to do, so I decided for the meantime, I woulnd't think about my baby car and just head into Gust to study for our midterms. We did. I called L., my friend and asked for advice on what to do, I didn't know how to act ya3ni! Don't look at me like that, I don't have balls, thanks. So what does he do? He rushes to Gust from his Shalet <3 What a sweetheart, 7ada Mr. 3ajeeb! He called me as soon as he got to the West parking, and I got out to meet him wawareeh my car. He saw it w 9'i7ak 3alay :( I felt stupid, and quite little. Yeah. Then, and only then did I start paniking! I wanted to cry, but he said he'd take care of it, Ms. Q went in to do her midterm while I sat on the floor of parking while looking at L. replace the fucked up tyre with the temporary one in my trunk. Guess who passes by, no guess *giggles* Kk!

Moo nag9a, he saw me standing and leaning on one of the poles that hold up the umbrellas bil parking or whatever they call them? But he didnt see L.! Did he come over? Nope, he went straight inside the door to the campus, whatever. So yeah, it was time for my class, I took L.'s keys to warn him not to escape after I head in and leave half of the work undone ;p I'm such an ass. But he laughed and didnt mind, as soon as I was done with class, I went out to him, he was done and was waiting for me. I thanked him, Ms. Q was with me, he started joking around and we were laughing like hell. That boy is hilarious, I tell you! Ms. Q was rolling on the floor laughing, and its the first time they meet eachother ;p So yeah, he asks me to "Amsa7 ra8ma and never call him again" and thanked me for wa9i5ing his clothes? 7mar a7iba <3 He called a few minutes later to see if the car's okay ;p One dilemna taken care of, I had my midterm in less than an hour, sawieta, and it was so long!

Paragraph answers, seven pages, I managed to finish in an hour and headed out to West and see Ms. Q waiting for me, we went to our cars, and it was raining... Bullocks. Bas 5afeef, so it was cool I guess. So what does Ms. Q decide to do? She wanted to go to this tailor ib Keifan, leish Keifan? Madri. Ask her, she's just Ms. Q that way, but what the hell? We had nothing better to do, fa getlaha to drive infront of me and I'd follow lei Keifan. We drive, and on the way she realises that she doesnt know HOW to get there! Thoula? ;p Shloun tsoogeen and not knowing where you're going? Hfft. A7ibha hal insaana 3'abiya <3 We get lost, yeah? Oh Oh! And what's even better is that I lose HER! So basically, she's somewhere, and I'm in another place. I ended up following all the signs that said Messila, and she was on the phone with me the entire time, we complained about the idiots and idiotas driving in this country, we were shocked for seeing new buildings in this country, and how it was the first time we saw signs like these, ashkara 9'ay3een!

We both started yelling and screaming and beating ourselves up mentally for itfilsifing and trying to go to a tailor in Keifan! Eventually, we meet up bil bidi3 madree shloun! And decide to fuck the whole tailor thing and just have lunch at Chillis. Such a long day, we just needed good food, our ice tea and Strawberry Lemonade and good conversations. Light and funny. 5ala9na in about 45 minutes, and I offered a ga3da 3al ba7ar 'cause we're gay and we do that sometimes. Thanks. She agreed, we got into my car and left hers to come back to it when we're done. Did we end up in the beach? Nope. We just drove and drove and listened to good music! She's crazy, she was singing along and dancing her little adorable ghetto moves! I wanted to take pictures but she hated it, maynoona. Ms. Q wouldnt stop saying "What Dizz?" for no apparent reason? She's just Ms. Q that way, and I'd die lauging 'cause she'd say it with an accent. She wanted me to just laugh and lose control over the wheel and end up dead somewhere, thats her master plan.

Kalba, lazim t9'a7iknee! Laman maleina, we went back to her car bil bidi3, I dropped her and promised to see her tomorrow. She thanked me for the ride, and said something like "This is what I do with guys, they pick me up after I park then drop me off when we're done, I'm such a whore."... 5ibla? Eee! Don't you love her?! I laughed, and we said our goodbyes. On my way home, L. calls and asks me to get him McDs take out and drop it off to his place since he lives a block away from my place. Wi9alt beit'hum and he was waiting outside, salamt 3aleih and gave him his lunch, we talked for a few minutes and then I had to go back home 'cause mama was worried! She's always like that... Wayed t7aty! ;/ Specially after that last incident at ACK, ilee twafa from an over dose, poor guy, it's just so sad... I mean, his family, how could they hear that sort of news from the college? So mom just freaks out, radeit il beit, 7a6eit rasee, w nimt 3ugub ma 9aleit il ma3'arb. It was such a long day, all I wanted was to relax, no phones, no nothing. Just quiet. Did I get that? Nope.

F. calls and we talked for a few minutes, he was hyper, it was cute. He called me yesterday too, 3ashan shinu? He wanted me to listen to "our song", I dedicated it to him a few weeks after being his girlfriend, almost two years ago, and its amazing how even after our break up, he does that. Anyways, I'm getting way off topic, we talked for a while and he had to go to the gym. Madree 3an Ms. Q tonight, she didn't call or text me, moo min 3ewayedha... So apparently, Stitch will be wearing yellow tomorrow! Yaay! I might identify that cute person <3 She'll think I'm this crazy chick who fancies her! ;p T'is okay, I tend to act in a stupid manner at Gust on a daily bases anyways, so ma fregat. Kk won't be coming to university tomorrow, wei3... But he will on Monday morning, so that's good. He had a midterm ilyoum too, well duhh? I just said I saw him bil parking.

I wanna sleeBB! Gotta hit the garage before my class at 9 tomorrow with my brother K. and check my tyre. I can't believe I drove around kil Likwait ilyoum with the temp one, is that even safe? Madri. So yeah... Long post, long day. I haven't blogged in a while now, I don't know why, I'm just not in the mood? Madri, but I have been reading! Don't worry, N.-Kk's a loyal reader to y'all ;*

Toodles *gay*

N.-Kk

xx

Hold Heart, Don't Beat So Loud - Part Five: The Spell Of The Sea From Its Whispers

I wish he stayed quiet... He should have stayed quiet...

The first thing I did after hearing what he had to say was just stop my hands from fidgeting, stared at him for a few seconds, then turned around to give him my back. I didn't know what to say... ''I've seen you before, at Gust. I went there the other day and I just had to ask about who you are.'' Wow. Yesterday wasn't the first time he's seen me, he's been in my university! How was I supposed to react? ''Really? You asked about me? Who did you talk to?'' I asked. ''Does it matter? You looked so beautiful, so kind. I asked a few of my friends there w they all answered in a good way, they'd say things like mashalah 3aleiha mit2adba and I loved it. Rta7t lich without even knowing you. And when I saw you, 7imadt raby... 3ashan chithy tana7t! I just knew it was meant to be, I had to talk to you.'' I went quiet. So quiet I could hear his breath, slow, steady, and constant. He wasn't nervous, he felt comfortable being this honest. Anyone in my place would be freaked out if not scared, who does that? Asks about me, sees how I am, ya7mid raba that he saw me again? These sorts of things don't happen to me, a girl who's so ordinary, but he didn't make me feel ordinary, I was special.

I backed away a few steps and looked around to make sure no one was looking. I could still hear the waves crashing on the rocks, the gulf looked far away, melting hazily into the black of the horizon. The moon was high, and the breeze soft and languorous, charged with the seductive odor of the sea. The voice of the sea is so seductive, whispering and murmuring forcing you to lose yourself in mazes of inward contemplation. This was so peaceful, it felt so real, the surroundings, his voice, what he's saying... All of it. It felt so real. I was still quiet, and he felt the uneasiness. What uneasiness? I love it, whatever this is. ''I'm sorry, I know I might seem so forward, but just know that what I'm saying is coming from my heart, moo ga3ed al3ab walla-'' I interrupted saying ''Don't apologize, bil 3ags, I appreciate your honesty, thank you.'' I said with a big smile. I could see how his face turned from being worried to relaxed of what I've said, he smiled back to me, and that smile was genuine. He looked so handsome under the moonlight.

''I better get going. It's getting late.'' I said a few seconds after the silence. I didn't want to go though, I wanted to stay until the sun appeared again, but I had to, my mother would be calling any second now and I couldn't be so late heading back home. Rawan and mom were expecting me. He agreed and held the door for me 3ashan I step inside, he didn't close it, shaafny asha3'il isayara and tilting the rearview mirror a little to the left. Perfect. ''Okay, tamer 3ala shay Khaled?'' I asked. I didn't know what else to say feeling silly for asking him that question. That smile again... ''Salamtich Danah. Just drive safely, and text me when you're back home, will you?'' I rolled down the window as he closed the door. He cares, I could feel it in me, it was real, ''Min 3yooni.'' ''Tislamlee 3yoonich.'' He answered and kissed my hands so gently. I felt myself blushing hoping it wasn't very obvious in the dark. From his facial expressions, it was. Great. After saying our goodbyes, I drove away. 20 minutes later, I was in my room, I quickly took my Jimmy Choo's sandals and got undressed. Surprisingly, my mother was already sleeping in her bedroom, and Rawan dozed off in front of the television. I didn't want to wake her up, she just seemed so relaxed, and she must have been tired from all the work in the hospital. I grabbed a warm blanket from the opposite couch and covered her up, just before heading to my bedroom. I needed a shower, but I was too lazy. Usher was singing, Deena was calling me, and I picked up. We talked for a few minutes about what happened, she listened the entire time and gave her usual aaww's and yaaay's every time she thought Khaled did something cute. She obviously felt good about this, we then made our plans for tomorrow and said our good nights and love yous.

I rested my head on my pillow remembering everything that happened today. It has been such a good day; no stress, no worrying, no tension, the sensuality of weightlessness that I wanted to last forever. Just as I held my phone to send Khaled a message, I received one from him. ''You home baby? You didn't text me, so I thought I'd ask.'' was what he said. I replied, ''I'm home, sorry I didn't text you earlier, Deena called ;p going to go to bed now, so I'll talk to you tomorrow inshalla ;* good night, you.'' and I slept immediately not reading what he wrote back.

The next few days were slightly normal, no drama - thank Goodness, and my midterms were coming up at Gust, I had to study hard, Deena, another few girls and I frequently met up and studied together in coffee places; mostly in Coffee Republic. That's where we felt comfortable, the environment there really helped us focus, and we were all quiet, kil wa7da tadris in her own world. In three or four hours, we were able to cover most of the work we needed to study for; Deena and I would usually text each other complaining how boring it was and giggling without the girls knowing anything. I really do love this girl. Khaled and I have been talking on a daily bases, he'd call and we'd stay on the phone for hours sometimes talking about anything we thought of, I was starting to get to know his personality; and every time he said something about him, I was more and more impressed. He was a hard worker, and that was most probably the most important characteristic I loved in a man, he respected hard labor and always, always seemed to be doing something that would benefit him instead of wasting his time. Mostly, he'd be in his usual dewaniyas at nights, and during the day, Khaled would either be with members of his family, in the gym, or studying in his university.

He sent me messages about random things such as how beautiful the weather was and how much he wanted to enjoy it with me, he constantly asks about how I'm doing, if I'm tired, if I'm hungry, if I craved for something in particular but couldn't leave the house because it was too late. The other night, I was having extreme back pain and I couldn't sleep properly even though I was so tired from studying all day. He called and sensed that something was wrong, after asking and nagging for a while, I had to tell him. Right away, he left his dewaniya and rushed to the nearest pharmacy for Voltaren pills, he then dropped them at the door step of my house and called me to get them. He was such a sweetheart, not just with the little things he wouldn't stop doing, but he expresses his feelings and always remained honest with me. He knew for a fact, that honesty was the most important element in a relationship for me, and Khaled never neglected to show me that.

What more could I want from this person? It's been a month, but it felt like a whole life time of good memories. Khaled showed nothing but respect, gratitude and caring. I showed exactly that, and nothing less. Deena would frequently tease us, complaining about the many phone calls and text messages in between. She seemed very happy for me, I was happy... I haven't felt this way for a very long time, and right now, I didn't care about anything else. I just wanted to enjoy this fresh and raw feeling, I wanted to take full advantage of it, breathing in every little piece of heaven he offered to me. I wanted things to stay this simple forever... I prayed that it would. But I knew that things sooner or later would get complicated as our relationship got more serious, all relationships go through that. The ups and downs, the arguments, the yelling and shouting, the cursing and regretting ever saying such harsh things to the person you're with. But I also knew that we'd always figure our problems out, solve every little thing one at a time until we'd reach to an understanding and get through to the other end, every time. I had faith in him, and he had faith in me.

I hoped I wasn't mistaken...

N.-Kk

xx

To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes. Tonight I wanna cry.

I have so much to talk about, it's not even funny. I like how I type it all here, it really is like therapy. Even better, no? Yes. I haven't posted anything in days simply because I didn't have any energy, even though I've been reading plenty. The beautiful world of blogging. I really do respect all my fellow bloggers and bloggeretes, and reading their constant posts is starting to become a daily ritual. I've been introduced to this website around a month ago, and it's been so enticing ever since. I'm getting way out of the road here; I wanted to talk about stuff, yes. Stuff. My somewhat crazy life has taken a completely different turn and now it's just ludicrous! Humph, it can get extremely exhausting at times; I'm not saying I'm the fucking president with a very rich and busy life, no. But believe you me, sometimes I feel like escaping from all the craziness. Maala da3i, you know? Sometimes, you just need a break. I'd love one, law youmein... Under the sun, the beach ahead of me, and the warm sand. Oh Lord <3 so yeah, what's been going on?

Awal shay, F. I shall start talking about him. Ya rabbi, ta3abny hal insaan. A few posts ago, I've written about him and what he did, the whole phone call at night? The I-want-you-back conversation? Yeah, that... So two nights ago, at around 10 PM, I was lying down tucked in bed with green tea (I do that before bed sometimes, tea.) and glaring at the screen of my laptop, just finished with my assignments and was ready to go to bed. I had such an OK day that I just wanted to sleep early for the sake of not having anything ruin it, I needed it to be perfect. I was still online, talking to friends and ignoring others when suddenly he signs in, F. So what? Yeah? It didn't matter really, so I continued what I was doing aimlessly, kil ma agool yalla bagoom anam I just don't. For some reason, I just felt like I had to stay there... Faj2a!! I was just scanning my list and seeing who's online, I looked at F.'s personal message and it said ''I Love You.'' that was like a fucking slap on my face. Feeny 3aib, I always afaser 3ala keify and go way too deep into analyzing what the personal message means. With F. though, it was plain and simple. The whole ''3 words, 8 letters, say them and I'm yours'' thing. I Love You. Shinu ya3ni?! I was so curious to find out who he was referring to, it killed me. Why does he have it there? Isn't he the same person who called me two nights ago asking to have me back? Asking for a chance to start something so beautiful? And as soon as I sort of refused, he just I don't know what I'm saying? Wei3, inzein? Wei3. What does N.-Kk do? Bad N.-Kk. She starts this conversation with Mz, a mutual friend who knows me as well as F.! I asked her to start talking to him and pretend like everything's fine and NOT to mention me. ''Si2leeh 3an his personal message! And let me know right away.'' I asked. She did. She didn't just do that, she also copy and pasted what he said. I luf her! Mental note, buy something pretty for her. Yup. He tells her stuff like I wanna get married with 28366399 LOL's! Ga3ed yit3'ashmar wala shfeeh? The more she brought to me, the more I felt sad and bitter for some reason. A5er shay yegoolaha the I Love You is not for anyone, I just have it there. When she said that ana 9aar feeny... Whoa... Is he serious? Mother Effer much? Definitely. I just got so pissed faj2a! Not because he didnt have it there for a reason, la2.. Keifa. But the fact that I got mad and curious about it. Like why should I? It's none of my business awal shay, thany shay madree shinu thany shay. I honestly was not thinking straight! ;/ *Grabs knife and stabs herself* Wei3, inzein? Wei3. Seriously! Try to put yourself in my shoes, the feeling's so madri shloun! But I felt like wei3... I signed out without saying good night to anyone and turned my phone off. Bad habit, I always do that whenever my mood's fucked up. Well he fucked it up for me ya3ni! I needed a breather. I read Lilo & Stitch's happy posts. They made me feel a teeny wit better :( Hfft. A couple of hours later just before going to bed, I switched my phone back on just because I wanted to a7i6 my alarm for class in the morning. And I get the missed calls msg thing. Mz called as well as other people whom I most definitely will not call back. So I decided to call Mz. She answered right away telling me that F. was talking to her about me, saying he still wants me back and that he tried and ''did his all'' to have me back but I just wouldn't give him the time of day. Seriously? Ilmaw9'oo3 beiny w beinik, why drag Mz or anyone for that matter into this? Shit. I wasn't mad or anything.. I didnt react or anything. I said my good nights and went to bed after switching my phone off again. I just needed sleep. So much for having a perfect day, ey? Whatever.

The night right after.

I sign in, and what happens 3ala 6ool? Dash 3alay, F. bas the thing is, yisoulif 3ady china moo 9ayer shay. I didn't wanna act like an annoying kid fa radeit 3ady bidoon ma anafes, maala da3ee, you know? So I was helping him out with something and I kept it very madree shloun, moo barda but like formal, you know? No emots and everyone knows I love emots. No LOLs or anything like that, but I was ''nice''. Yes. So when we were done and I was about to leave, he opened il maw9'oo3... And we just started talking about it for the next hour. I do miss him, and I do love him... But it's just not the same anymore. I moved on. And frankly, I don't know if I should go back to that place anymore. I'm just scared I guess. So we didnt exactly solve anything, leil7een mit3algeen. I do miss him though...

But Kk.

I don't know.

I hate being me at the moment, it's just so complicated. How can someone have feelings for two people? I feel 3'ala6, you know? Oh! What happens on the same day?! 3ashan tshoofoon shloun il wa9'3 (N)! I was at Starbucks ib Gust, yeah? Just standing and about to order. Ma kan fee a7ad, it was just me and some dude at the far end of Starbucks ready to grab his drink. Lama7t and I saw that it was Kk. Shit. I didn't give him wayh kilish, I ordered my usual w faj2a Kk tells the employee ''La ta36eeha shay.'' in a joking kind of way. Ana 9ar feeny... Wtf? Shaybi? Don't mess around when I still didnt have my morning coffee, damn it. Death wish? Wei3. I didnt say anything though. The dirty look from the employee was enough to make him feel tiny. I love him! Lol so I move to the far end to get my ready coffee, w yaaya ba5tha but Kk tells the other guy ''Don't give her anything'' shyabi hatha?!!!!!!! Stop with the 3'ashmara, who the fuck do you think you are? We're not friends, we're not together, we ''don't know each other''. Supposedly. I missed his voice... Pssh. When he said that, 3a6eita 9'ahry w misheit. The nerve. The balls.

So basically, it was a very busy day, F. and Kk. Shinu hatha?! Why, God? Why? I swear I'm not being dramatic, it's just that it's too much. Ya3ni dealing with one of them is too exhausting. And now I have to manage both? Shalla 7aadny? No. I didn't need this. But I didnt know what to do! The next day, you all know how the weather was; in the early morning it was super chilly! I loved it <3 I love winter :( So I head to Gust, yeah? And make my way to our usual table to put my shit and get Aj from the library. Who's sitting next to MY TABLE? Him. With his group. Kk. Leish? *cries* So I put my books and bag, and go to the library, grab Aj and head back. keifa. It's a free country, if he wants to sit there even though he know that I'm always at my table, let him sit there. I can't force him to leave. Ms. Q is still not at Gust, so she can't do embarrassing and hilarious stuff for him to leave. I wanted her :( A while 3ugub, Aj goes to madree wein to print I don't know what. I was alone at the table giving Kk my back, yeah? Reading. Suddenly he's behind me, and places a sheet of paper on the table and says ''Here you go'' and heads back to his table. Oh my God! My heart immediately stopped beating! I didnt open it right away, I slid it shwaya b3eed 3any just to seem like I didn't give two shitts what was written in it. I WAS DYING! I had to read it! He was still there five minutes later, so I opened and read what it said.

IM SORRY ABOUT YESTERDAY. I wrote this note because I know you don't wanna talk to me.

He was referring to what he did at Starbucks. Good. I wanted him to feel like the ass he was. Mission accomplished. So what do I do? I write back and say ''It's okay, don't apologize. And why would you think that I don't wanna talk to you? Bil 3ags, I miss you.''

Right?

No!

Haha. Lame. No, I didn't do that. I folded the paper and just slid it between my papers, showing that it didn't matter whether or not he apologized, he's nothing to me. That's the message I wanted to deliver. He saw what I did. Aj was back, thank Goodness she didn't see any of that. 3'ayart my position now, I gave him my side, facing Aj and the wall. Bas ma rafa3t rasee, I kept on reading but lifted my head up kil shway when I was talking to Aj, and every time I did, I took a sneak peak at him, he was LOOKING AT ME. He was looking 6ool il wagt! Wtf? :( Ayam gabil... 7arakata, what he used to do last course. Damn him
It was the afternoon, Kitten, Aj and I decide to go to MacD's ib Mishref, we had our lunch and left. Awal ma 6ila3na bida il jaw madree shfee happened! It was freaky, but beautiful in the same way. First, the clouds were dark as fuck. Then it started raining, ba3dein nizal bredy! DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT? We were in the Tahoe looking out the windows, Kitten was taking pictures, she loved the weather. We then decide to go back to uni, having another hour to spare before class, what does N.-Kk do? Bad N.-Kk. She texts F. and asks him to be careful driving back home, ana shakoo?! :O Wei3, inzein? Wei3. He texts back a few seconds later saying that he'll be okay and I shouldn't worry, and that he wanted to enjoy the beautiful weather ''with me ;-)''. Okay. Okay. *cries some more* Bottom line, we meet up for half an hour. We drive around in Mishref, talking about nothing really, it was nice. Comfortable. Sweet. Very so marriage-ish, you know? Damn it.

He then drops me in time for class, and we didnt stop texting until the evening when he left the gym. It wasn't lovey dovey messages, but like casual random things. Again, I tried to not flirt and act all girly, cheny I was talking to a friend. Yes, a friend. That night I was online again, and I was talking to JO, a friend of mine who was with me in school and now at Gust. We were talking and madree how yibna i6aree, we started talking about Kk. He knows about him, I trusted JO so I felt comfortable telling him about what I went through, funny thing is, he's friends with him. JO's part of that group. He tells me that Kk's leaving for a week to travel 3ashan he had a tournament. Wow. A whole weak, I then beg JO to tell me NOT to text Kk and say troo7 witrid bisalama, he did. Did I isma3 il kalam? No. Why? Because I'm an ass that way. just before going to bed, I send the message ''Trou7 witrid bisalama inshalla..'' and the moment it was sent, I regretted what I've done. I've been strong all this time, I was strong... And now, I send him a message. That just about killed me right there. The message wasn't delivered, his phone was off. 7a6eit rasee w nimt. Yesterday when I woke up at 6 AM, I see four messages and a couple of missed calls. I looked at the messages first, two from Kk. TWO! Aaah. Shoot me <3 First said that he was shocked that I sent him a message and that he guess this meant that I forgave him, shay chithy with the (;p) and alla ysalimnee. The second said Thank you, and to let him know if I needed anything min hnaak.

It's starting again, I could feel it. He was coming back again, into my life, for a while. Again. I suddenly felt so guilty, what the hell was I doing? But I was smiling. F., shit... But we weren't together, were we? I wasn't obligated to do or not do anything, but why?!!! Why did I send him a message?! I swear I should just break this phone w 5ala9.

Now, I'm even more lost, F and I have been talking online, again about normal things. Kk is away, and I'm just... Lost. I keep getting myself into these situations. Madree leish. Now, I don't know what to do, I just don't know how to control my emotions anymore, I really cannot. It's so scary, this feeling... And not knowing what the hell is going to happen in the future is even scarier.

Good night

N. Kk

xx