So I've been hooked on a couple of songs the last few days... I hate it when that happens. Honest to God, I was not able to focus during my English Lit. midterm today because of the songs! First off, who the fuck has midterms on a Saturday afternoon? Seriously? No. Unacceptable. But did I have a choice? Hell no. The songs are "Ooh Aah" by Colby O'Donis and "Put Your Records On" By Corinne Bailey Rae. I love her, she's so talented, and the simplicity of her music is so breath taking <3 So yeah, let me tell you the sort of fucked day I've had. Goes to show you karma's a bitch, but I didn't do ANYTHING WRONG! I DON'T THINK I DID! Hfft. Ms. Q and I decide to meet up at Gust at 9.30 sharp, yeah? No. Her car was messed up w t2a5erat, but just for a few minutes, I was determined to not let anything ruine my day. She showed up, not at Gust though, at Mishref Co-op, and from there, we drive to Gust seperately after grabbing Breakfast Take out.
We drive all the way over there, and guess what happens? No guess, no *giggles* guess! Shit, you suck. I have a flat tyre, no really. Wei3, yeah? And the way it happened, shit I got scared shitless, but the good thing is, it happened 3and soor Gust so I managed to stop the car for a few seconds, then drove in to park next to Ms. Q! She opens her door and gets out, looks at my car with a :O Face. Thanks, I didn't need that, just to make things worse, yup. Nope. I didn't know what to do, so I decided for the meantime, I woulnd't think about my baby car and just head into Gust to study for our midterms. We did. I called L., my friend and asked for advice on what to do, I didn't know how to act ya3ni! Don't look at me like that, I don't have balls, thanks. So what does he do? He rushes to Gust from his Shalet <3 What a sweetheart, 7ada Mr. 3ajeeb! He called me as soon as he got to the West parking, and I got out to meet him wawareeh my car. He saw it w 9'i7ak 3alay :( I felt stupid, and quite little. Yeah. Then, and only then did I start paniking! I wanted to cry, but he said he'd take care of it, Ms. Q went in to do her midterm while I sat on the floor of parking while looking at L. replace the fucked up tyre with the temporary one in my trunk. Guess who passes by, no guess *giggles* Kk!
Moo nag9a, he saw me standing and leaning on one of the poles that hold up the umbrellas bil parking or whatever they call them? But he didnt see L.! Did he come over? Nope, he went straight inside the door to the campus, whatever. So yeah, it was time for my class, I took L.'s keys to warn him not to escape after I head in and leave half of the work undone ;p I'm such an ass. But he laughed and didnt mind, as soon as I was done with class, I went out to him, he was done and was waiting for me. I thanked him, Ms. Q was with me, he started joking around and we were laughing like hell. That boy is hilarious, I tell you! Ms. Q was rolling on the floor laughing, and its the first time they meet eachother ;p So yeah, he asks me to "Amsa7 ra8ma and never call him again" and thanked me for wa9i5ing his clothes? 7mar a7iba <3 He called a few minutes later to see if the car's okay ;p One dilemna taken care of, I had my midterm in less than an hour, sawieta, and it was so long!
Paragraph answers, seven pages, I managed to finish in an hour and headed out to West and see Ms. Q waiting for me, we went to our cars, and it was raining... Bullocks. Bas 5afeef, so it was cool I guess. So what does Ms. Q decide to do? She wanted to go to this tailor ib Keifan, leish Keifan? Madri. Ask her, she's just Ms. Q that way, but what the hell? We had nothing better to do, fa getlaha to drive infront of me and I'd follow lei Keifan. We drive, and on the way she realises that she doesnt know HOW to get there! Thoula? ;p Shloun tsoogeen and not knowing where you're going? Hfft. A7ibha hal insaana 3'abiya <3 We get lost, yeah? Oh Oh! And what's even better is that I lose HER! So basically, she's somewhere, and I'm in another place. I ended up following all the signs that said Messila, and she was on the phone with me the entire time, we complained about the idiots and idiotas driving in this country, we were shocked for seeing new buildings in this country, and how it was the first time we saw signs like these, ashkara 9'ay3een!
We both started yelling and screaming and beating ourselves up mentally for itfilsifing and trying to go to a tailor in Keifan! Eventually, we meet up bil bidi3 madree shloun! And decide to fuck the whole tailor thing and just have lunch at Chillis. Such a long day, we just needed good food, our ice tea and Strawberry Lemonade and good conversations. Light and funny. 5ala9na in about 45 minutes, and I offered a ga3da 3al ba7ar 'cause we're gay and we do that sometimes. Thanks. She agreed, we got into my car and left hers to come back to it when we're done. Did we end up in the beach? Nope. We just drove and drove and listened to good music! She's crazy, she was singing along and dancing her little adorable ghetto moves! I wanted to take pictures but she hated it, maynoona. Ms. Q wouldnt stop saying "What Dizz?" for no apparent reason? She's just Ms. Q that way, and I'd die lauging 'cause she'd say it with an accent. She wanted me to just laugh and lose control over the wheel and end up dead somewhere, thats her master plan.
Kalba, lazim t9'a7iknee! Laman maleina, we went back to her car bil bidi3, I dropped her and promised to see her tomorrow. She thanked me for the ride, and said something like "This is what I do with guys, they pick me up after I park then drop me off when we're done, I'm such a whore."... 5ibla? Eee! Don't you love her?! I laughed, and we said our goodbyes. On my way home, L. calls and asks me to get him McDs take out and drop it off to his place since he lives a block away from my place. Wi9alt beit'hum and he was waiting outside, salamt 3aleih and gave him his lunch, we talked for a few minutes and then I had to go back home 'cause mama was worried! She's always like that... Wayed t7aty! ;/ Specially after that last incident at ACK, ilee twafa from an over dose, poor guy, it's just so sad... I mean, his family, how could they hear that sort of news from the college? So mom just freaks out, radeit il beit, 7a6eit rasee, w nimt 3ugub ma 9aleit il ma3'arb. It was such a long day, all I wanted was to relax, no phones, no nothing. Just quiet. Did I get that? Nope.
F. calls and we talked for a few minutes, he was hyper, it was cute. He called me yesterday too, 3ashan shinu? He wanted me to listen to "our song", I dedicated it to him a few weeks after being his girlfriend, almost two years ago, and its amazing how even after our break up, he does that. Anyways, I'm getting way off topic, we talked for a while and he had to go to the gym. Madree 3an Ms. Q tonight, she didn't call or text me, moo min 3ewayedha... So apparently, Stitch will be wearing yellow tomorrow! Yaay! I might identify that cute person <3 She'll think I'm this crazy chick who fancies her! ;p T'is okay, I tend to act in a stupid manner at Gust on a daily bases anyways, so ma fregat. Kk won't be coming to university tomorrow, wei3... But he will on Monday morning, so that's good. He had a midterm ilyoum too, well duhh? I just said I saw him bil parking.
I wanna sleeBB! Gotta hit the garage before my class at 9 tomorrow with my brother K. and check my tyre. I can't believe I drove around kil Likwait ilyoum with the temp one, is that even safe? Madri. So yeah... Long post, long day. I haven't blogged in a while now, I don't know why, I'm just not in the mood? Madri, but I have been reading! Don't worry, N.-Kk's a loyal reader to y'all ;*
Toodles *gay*
N.-Kk
xx
Showing posts with label Gust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gust. Show all posts
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
How It All Started - Part V
You Keep Your Pride & Get Nothing, Or You Take A Risk & Get Everything...
NEVER FOLLOW THIS MOTTO! I had to learn that the hard way.
The only way you can feel what I'm going through exactly is by actually having yourself going through these situations, I know I have people who stand by me, people whom I take advice from and I really do appreciate it, but no. It's very challenging, going through this alone, I mean. It's like, I talk about it to a really good friend of mine, someone I know I could trust with this sort of information. But she/he won't fully understand, all she/he could do is show some support, and give me advices, which sound very neutral and vague during their moments but how could I blame her/him? For me, Ms. Q knows so much detail about this dilemma, about him and what we do, about my feelings, and about his messages. But I try to limit myself from just saying and blaberring everything; after all, there should be some privacy, I'm sure he'd want it that way as well. But him, he talks to his good friend s.H, who knows basically everything, and even though I know he's an amazing friend -whom I respect tremendously- I despise the looks he gives me every now and then, the ''I know it's hard what he's doing to you, I feel so bad'' looks, pity. He feels sorry for me, no.
Moo ma38oola wi9alt lei hal mar7ala, where I had someone feeling sorry for me, I hated it. I don't feel comfortable with showing my weakness, I like to put up a fight and prove that I'm a strong person, I like people knowing that I could pretty much go through a war and end up walking out of it alive. That's the face people see, and that's the face I want to put on forever damn it! Not the ''feel sorry for me'' face. No. Never. You know, writing this part, I feel disgusted with myself, this issue started months ago! It's supposed to be over by now, I'm supposed to move on, and he's supposed to stop looking at me, why is he making things so much harder? I just want to let go... We stopped talking, you saw it coming, didn't you? For this to happen again, us talking then realising that what we're doing is wrong, then stopping.
It's like a circle, you end up at the same point, then when you reach the point where you've started, you go on and on; you do it over again. But this time, we've stopped for good, and every time we stopped talking, we both knew it won't be the last time, we both knew that he'd text or call or do something, and the cycle would start again, but this time it didn't. It's been more than three weeks, almost a month, and nothing. Wow. Is this, whatever it is, really over? Does ''this'' even have a name? If anyone outside the picture looked at what's going on, they'd think that what Kk was doing is cheating on his girlfriend, and sometimes we both know that too. But we're not together, we don't go out on dates, we don't kiss and talk all night; it's just different, complicated. I don't know how to explain it, I could go on and on writing about him, about whatever's going on or whatever's happened in the past, but you won't fully comprehend what I'm trying to interpret to you. Again, it's just complicated.
I don't know if we'll ever talk again, frankly, I don't think we will. I really do believe he loves her, and maybe by having this ''experience'' with me, it only proved to him that SHE'S the one for him, and that we're not right for each other at all, maybe he saw things in her that he knew he won't find in me, and maybe she just loves him so much, who am I to ruin that for her? For the both of them? Some girl he had a ''thing'' for? Someone he turned to whenever he was feeling down? He has friends, plenty. He could talk to anyone of them if he's having problems, his family too. I don't wanna be a part of that mess, he's just too confused, and he's confusing me with him. Leish? Shalla 7aadni? No, I deserve more. But he's the one I want, the one I think about everyday, the one I see my future with. I promise you, this is nothing gay or corny or whatever, it really is how I'm feeling. And it's so personal that I shouldn't even be posting this, but I know that he knows how I feel, even though I never showed him what's inside of me.
Until that night...
The last night we talked, and again, it was just through messages, good. We were talking about this movie he was watching, ''Taken'' who stars Liam Neeson, (a must-watch-movie) and he'd text me whenever a really good part happens and he just had to comment about it! I'd reply enthusiastically showing that I knew how good the movie was, it really was, I was glad he liked it too. While he was watching his movie, I was reading one of my novels, until we were both done, then we just started talking about random things. We were both laid back and relaxed, after having a really long day at school, the whole weekend was ahead of us. Blehh... I wanted to see him at Gust. I just wanted to see him, but of course I didn't mention any of that. Then ''our'' topic came up, I don't remember how it started really, but it did; and it just went downhill from there.
We both got angry and hurt, saying unnecessary things, knowing we'd regret them later, but this is getting way out of hand! There should be some fucking control! And if he won't lead the way and make this, whatever it is, stop FOR GOOD, then I will. I just keep thinking of her! No one else, but I didn't wanna lose him. I was just so sick of all of this... So I knew how to end it, all of it. I'd tell him how I felt and he'd do the rest, he'd have to make a decision, so I did. Ya reitny ma t7acheit, but I can't take back any of it now. I wrote a really long message, asking him to really think about this situation and how to solve it, I also talked about how I felt towards him, and how he completed me in every way. I didn't say that I loved him, I just couldn't. He replied by saying a few things, I don't even wanna remember how it went down, but basically he was tired of relationships, of all the stress at work and Gust.
And I didn't reply to that, I didn't wanna ''show my support and be there for him'' because that's all I've been doing, enough is enough. He's a man. Then it was all over, we stopped talking about it, we stopped talking for good. It was all over, and I could breathe again, knowing that I'm completely free, and that I wouldn't have to think about him anymore... And until today, we never said anything to one another, I barely looked at him. And it was obvious he was avoiding me as well, I didn't give two shits. 5ala9. Ti3abt... I don't want him to ever know that I fell for him, I lost interest in everyone else, I didn't have the capacity nor the will to meet someone else, I wanted him. And now that I know I can't have him, and know that he'd be spending the rest of his life with her, I could only pray that he'd be happy, and make her happy as well. Abeeh bas yathkirny bil 5air, whether he saw me as a friend or not, I just want that.
It feels like fire stones are being burnt against my skin when he passes by, I wish we could just smile and make it all ''OK'' but we both know it won't be that easy. It never will. I just can't wait to leave Gust, ma bega shay, then I could start over; not just being away from him, but all the drama and problems that come from that one campus and the people in it. It gets overwhelming sometimes, and you just want to leave and forget. I will leave and forget, just as soon as I graduate. He'll be a part of my past, he'll be a part of my ''University years'' and nothing more. I've made peace with that. I'm a free soul...
This is the end of Kk.
Goodnight
N. Kk
xx
NEVER FOLLOW THIS MOTTO! I had to learn that the hard way.
The only way you can feel what I'm going through exactly is by actually having yourself going through these situations, I know I have people who stand by me, people whom I take advice from and I really do appreciate it, but no. It's very challenging, going through this alone, I mean. It's like, I talk about it to a really good friend of mine, someone I know I could trust with this sort of information. But she/he won't fully understand, all she/he could do is show some support, and give me advices, which sound very neutral and vague during their moments but how could I blame her/him? For me, Ms. Q knows so much detail about this dilemma, about him and what we do, about my feelings, and about his messages. But I try to limit myself from just saying and blaberring everything; after all, there should be some privacy, I'm sure he'd want it that way as well. But him, he talks to his good friend s.H, who knows basically everything, and even though I know he's an amazing friend -whom I respect tremendously- I despise the looks he gives me every now and then, the ''I know it's hard what he's doing to you, I feel so bad'' looks, pity. He feels sorry for me, no.
Moo ma38oola wi9alt lei hal mar7ala, where I had someone feeling sorry for me, I hated it. I don't feel comfortable with showing my weakness, I like to put up a fight and prove that I'm a strong person, I like people knowing that I could pretty much go through a war and end up walking out of it alive. That's the face people see, and that's the face I want to put on forever damn it! Not the ''feel sorry for me'' face. No. Never. You know, writing this part, I feel disgusted with myself, this issue started months ago! It's supposed to be over by now, I'm supposed to move on, and he's supposed to stop looking at me, why is he making things so much harder? I just want to let go... We stopped talking, you saw it coming, didn't you? For this to happen again, us talking then realising that what we're doing is wrong, then stopping.
It's like a circle, you end up at the same point, then when you reach the point where you've started, you go on and on; you do it over again. But this time, we've stopped for good, and every time we stopped talking, we both knew it won't be the last time, we both knew that he'd text or call or do something, and the cycle would start again, but this time it didn't. It's been more than three weeks, almost a month, and nothing. Wow. Is this, whatever it is, really over? Does ''this'' even have a name? If anyone outside the picture looked at what's going on, they'd think that what Kk was doing is cheating on his girlfriend, and sometimes we both know that too. But we're not together, we don't go out on dates, we don't kiss and talk all night; it's just different, complicated. I don't know how to explain it, I could go on and on writing about him, about whatever's going on or whatever's happened in the past, but you won't fully comprehend what I'm trying to interpret to you. Again, it's just complicated.
I don't know if we'll ever talk again, frankly, I don't think we will. I really do believe he loves her, and maybe by having this ''experience'' with me, it only proved to him that SHE'S the one for him, and that we're not right for each other at all, maybe he saw things in her that he knew he won't find in me, and maybe she just loves him so much, who am I to ruin that for her? For the both of them? Some girl he had a ''thing'' for? Someone he turned to whenever he was feeling down? He has friends, plenty. He could talk to anyone of them if he's having problems, his family too. I don't wanna be a part of that mess, he's just too confused, and he's confusing me with him. Leish? Shalla 7aadni? No, I deserve more. But he's the one I want, the one I think about everyday, the one I see my future with. I promise you, this is nothing gay or corny or whatever, it really is how I'm feeling. And it's so personal that I shouldn't even be posting this, but I know that he knows how I feel, even though I never showed him what's inside of me.
Until that night...
The last night we talked, and again, it was just through messages, good. We were talking about this movie he was watching, ''Taken'' who stars Liam Neeson, (a must-watch-movie) and he'd text me whenever a really good part happens and he just had to comment about it! I'd reply enthusiastically showing that I knew how good the movie was, it really was, I was glad he liked it too. While he was watching his movie, I was reading one of my novels, until we were both done, then we just started talking about random things. We were both laid back and relaxed, after having a really long day at school, the whole weekend was ahead of us. Blehh... I wanted to see him at Gust. I just wanted to see him, but of course I didn't mention any of that. Then ''our'' topic came up, I don't remember how it started really, but it did; and it just went downhill from there.
We both got angry and hurt, saying unnecessary things, knowing we'd regret them later, but this is getting way out of hand! There should be some fucking control! And if he won't lead the way and make this, whatever it is, stop FOR GOOD, then I will. I just keep thinking of her! No one else, but I didn't wanna lose him. I was just so sick of all of this... So I knew how to end it, all of it. I'd tell him how I felt and he'd do the rest, he'd have to make a decision, so I did. Ya reitny ma t7acheit, but I can't take back any of it now. I wrote a really long message, asking him to really think about this situation and how to solve it, I also talked about how I felt towards him, and how he completed me in every way. I didn't say that I loved him, I just couldn't. He replied by saying a few things, I don't even wanna remember how it went down, but basically he was tired of relationships, of all the stress at work and Gust.
And I didn't reply to that, I didn't wanna ''show my support and be there for him'' because that's all I've been doing, enough is enough. He's a man. Then it was all over, we stopped talking about it, we stopped talking for good. It was all over, and I could breathe again, knowing that I'm completely free, and that I wouldn't have to think about him anymore... And until today, we never said anything to one another, I barely looked at him. And it was obvious he was avoiding me as well, I didn't give two shits. 5ala9. Ti3abt... I don't want him to ever know that I fell for him, I lost interest in everyone else, I didn't have the capacity nor the will to meet someone else, I wanted him. And now that I know I can't have him, and know that he'd be spending the rest of his life with her, I could only pray that he'd be happy, and make her happy as well. Abeeh bas yathkirny bil 5air, whether he saw me as a friend or not, I just want that.
It feels like fire stones are being burnt against my skin when he passes by, I wish we could just smile and make it all ''OK'' but we both know it won't be that easy. It never will. I just can't wait to leave Gust, ma bega shay, then I could start over; not just being away from him, but all the drama and problems that come from that one campus and the people in it. It gets overwhelming sometimes, and you just want to leave and forget. I will leave and forget, just as soon as I graduate. He'll be a part of my past, he'll be a part of my ''University years'' and nothing more. I've made peace with that. I'm a free soul...
This is the end of Kk.
Goodnight
N. Kk
xx
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